Mean gym lady made me feel like shit

[TheBlueKoala]

Need help from you women who know how to be bitchy affirm boundaries. I go regularly to a gym and had a little dispute with a woman there my age (40s) and first I need to know if I'm unreasonable. If not then I need help to "tell her off". People pleaser who can only affirm boundaries when it's something to do with my children- for myself I'm completely useless. My two good friends who are very different told me to "tell her to shut the fuck up" and "just go to another room and wait for her to finish". None of those advice appeal to me.

So there are two different places to stretch/do pushups etc. One is fairly small but got a sort of ladder to stretch out your back/legs etc. Normally you always see two People sharing that space. One woman likes to put herself in the middle as to prevent someone else using the space. There is still room but you have to go further to the side which I did. Plenty of room still- she couldn't touch me while stretching all over. So she told me to go to the other room because she was there first. Like a mug I just said sorry and did. I just wanted to do 20 pushups then use the ladder/bar that was there.

I felt so humiliated afterwards that I let her just decide where I should go because she wanted to be on her own. I need something to say that is almost rude but yet dignified and makes her feel eembarrassed for bossing me around. Any advice?

"Ah. I think you must not be aware that this area is set up for two people to share so both can use the ladder to stretch. Come to think of it, I think you're the only person I've seen who spreads themselves across both areas. Anyway, the other room doesn't have a leg stretcher so I'll use the other side of this until you're done with the leg stretcher."

No tinkly laugh necessary but a clear reason why she's in the wrong and you'll be standing your ground now, and on future occasions.

I'd make sure I had headphones on and make out I can't hear her, then continue to use the space whether she likes it or not.

Thank you all for your replies. She did say that she wanted to have room to stretch out but she said that while having her legs all stretched out towards me and there was plenty of space still. Unless I would have started to stretch out my legs towards her- then our feet would have met.

Tbh if she would have asked nicely I wouldn't have given it a second thought. It was the commandeering tone and my wet lettuce respons to it that made me feel like shit. She's often there the same time as me so I will def run into her again. Oh, she did say that she went to another space when I was there last time (which I don't care about- I hadn't asked her). I do get that you don't want people too close but this is not the case here. And I'm fairly quick so don't want to bother going to the other room (where all the men doing heavy lifting can watch you stretch).

I think I will just stare at her like she's crazy next time and disingeniously say "don't worry, there is plenty of space for me to do my workout". If she says it's bothering her then I will tell her that she's free to leave. She's not unhinged just very sure of herself. I think she's French so I might add a "zut alors" for good form.😅

I've started doing this, or pausing before I reply because sometimes they rush to fill the silence and end up having to backtrack because their request or statement is ridiculous.

I used to always either back down or immediately defend myself (so sort of on the back foot). The making them explain themselves works so well.

Tbh I'd just sort of stay dead pan and barely look at her and say "no" in a casual "don't care" tone. Nothing like a dead end, and can't imagine how she could come back from that without majorly escalating, in which case you can put in a complaint.

Oh I had headphones she started to gesture infront of me so I couldn't ignore her. That gave me an idea..I will get down and start my workout with eyes closed so that she has to touch me in order to talk to me. She seems strongwilled and probably will and then I will scream loudly. People will def look at us and I hope it will make her cringe.

Thank you all again ! I feel more confident with your (albeit anonymous) support. Promise to keep you informed about how it plays out..funny but just the thought of coming back to keep you informed gives me all the courage I need to stand my ground.

Why go in for all this convoluted stuff and try to make her cringe? Just politely and assertively decline to move if she asks.

If you see her again I would say ‘oh I checked with management after the last time you told me to go elsewhere and they confirmed it’s a shared space so I’m going to stay and do my workout over here, if that’s a problem for you then I suggest you take it up with the management’
Headphones back on, resting bitch face firmly in place and do not engage any further

Probably best to avoid & ignore her, hard to do when you feel like getting her by the throat & slamming her against the wall.

“We have to share the this space and it’s meant for two. If we both make room for each other I won’t be in your way.”

Chat to & befriend others in the gym, she's less likely to try & intimidate you if you have 'backup'.
She's a twit & not worth engaging with.

It's too late now but in future, ignore her.

I had a gym twat approach me when I was on a machine, asked me how many sets I had left (perfectly reasonable question). I replied 'One'. He asked if I could get off as he was 'doing supersets' and was using the machine before me 🤨 Stood there and glared at me. I told him I didn't care if he was training for the fucking Olympics, he could wait 30 seconds until I'd finished.

Just laugh at her and carry on. ...

“I was here first”. 🤣How old is she? 8.

“So there are two different places to stretch/do pushups etc. One is fairly small but got a sort of ladder to stretch out your back/legs etc. Normally you always see two People sharing that space. One woman likes to put herself in the middle as to prevent someone else using the space. There is still room but you have to go further to the side which I did. Plenty of room still- she couldn't touch me while stretching all over.

“Unless I would have started to stretch out my legs towards her- then our feet would have met.”

“Oh, she did say that she went to another space when I was there last time (which I don't care about- I hadn't asked her). I do get that you don't want people too close but this is not the case here. And I'm fairly quick so don't want to bother going to the other room (where all the men doing heavy lifting can watch you stretch).”

First you say the room is small. Then you say she couldn’t touch you. You later go on to say that if you are stretching in a particular position than your feet would have met. But then you will also go onto to say that is not the case here when talking about people being too close. Which one is it? Because I would suggest that if anybody is stretching and they could touch me then by default they are standing too close.

How big is this room? Because from your comments it seems pretty small.

There are also assumptions here about the other person being in the wrong. Just because you have seen two people fit in the space, it doesn’t mean that that is suitable for everybody. The other person was in there first, they have placed themselves so they can do their own stretches, I can’t see that taking a long time. Why could you not have just waited? You are more than capable of going to another room, but you chose not to because it made you feel uncomfortable. That is understandable. But have you stopped to think that maybe you were making the other person feel uncomfortable? They have placed themselves in a way to avoid company. You could either go in another space or wait. But instead you felt entitled to use that space at the same time regardless of the other person’s need for space. And now you want to start an argument about it.

Why can’t you just wait your turn?

In this situation I would just not attempt to use the space when she is. She might have reasons for not wanting to be too physically close to other people. I think I'd respect that and wait.
Im not a people pleaser btw.

@1HappyTraveller Why can’t you just wait your turn?

She had been there for about 20 minutes when I came. She was still there when I left (after having been to the other room).

There is absolutely room for atleast 2 people. Sometimes there are 3. So it's only her thinking that the space is for one person. I can't see where I have contradicted myself on this.

“I can’t see where I have contradicted myself on this”

Now you are saying there are 3 people who use the room after saying that you’ve only seen 2. This is after saying that if you were in a certain position when stretching that you could have touched them.

Exactly!

You don’t have to be a people pleaser in order to respect other people’s space and boundaries.

It's kind of beside the point if there's room or not, it's her shitty attitude towards you

Next time I'd say just 'no, it's fine'. Death stare.

If she persists I'd be tempted to tell her to get to fuck.

Fully ignoring someone is also an opinion. Possibly no need to engage with her at all.

Firstly, the term people pleaser is sometimes seen in a negative light, however I bet youre the person that brightens someone’s day, encourages them and is popular. Don’t let people buff your shine. However there is of course a balance.

Sometimes people just need a nudge in being told not to be such a cow and this is one of those times.

Liked the manoeuvre, next time say “oh 2 people use this all the time you need to move over”. Follow this up and get someone who works there to put a sign up it is for two people.

mIf is probably someone who feels uncomfortable being close in a small room with a stranger, amd probably sounds like a bit of a moody …..

If you want to be non confrontational you can affirm your boundaries by just saying something like , I am only doing 20 pressups and will be done in a minute, then just carry on. If you want to noise her up , call her princess, she will be livid and you won't have been sweary or vulgar.

I think you’re over thinking it, there was no little dispute or anything, there could be reasons she wanted to be alone, and if you’re happy to move, what difference does it make, she explained she wanted to stretch out, she clearly felt uncomfortable with the physical proximity, just let it go. Give her space next time,