To realise I'm a "pick me girl" and to ask how to change?

[ReSaPaLo]

I've watched a bunch of insta reels that focus on "pick me girls" over the last few years and I've come to realise that it applies to me. I'm a feminist, I was so grossed out by the idea of pick me girls, and it struck me last night when thinking about how I relate to my male colleagues, I still seem to crave their attention and approval. These men are my age, in our mid 40s, all of us partnered up or married, a lovely workplace culture etc. Led by a woman and lots of female colleagues too, I am not feeling competitive with any other women, absolutely the opposite and very secure in my capabilities. But still I find myself fixating on the approval of these men, trying to be their mates and a potential sexual interest, its ridiculous.

Does anyone have advice on fixing that mindset? I am in no way proud of it and am definitely concerned about how it appears to my female colleagues who undoubtedly would see it and judge heavily (rightly so).

Thanks!

I suppose it's essentially about valuing yourself for who you are and your characteristics, and not for your attractiveness in the eyes of men. It must stem from some kind of deep insecurity that you need external validation from men. Maybe some counselling would help you get to bottom of it.

I always thought a “pick me girl” had to put other girls down to make herself seem more attractive. “I’m not like other girls” “I don’t like ballet I like football, girls are lame, boys are more fun, I love boys etc. etc.”
if you don’t do that then you’re not a pick me.
Complimenting other women, boosting other women’s confidence, admiring other women whether they’re feminine or not, not trying to be better even subtly is how you stop being a “pick me”.
it’s ok to prefer men’s company if that’s how you really feel but don’t brag about it like it’s a great quality to have as a woman. Ideally you’d be better if you could be friends with men and women but not everyone is wired the same. Just keep it to yourself and get along with the men as you do, but not at anyone else’s expense.

Why do women continue to use such derogatory language about themselves?
The very term " pick me girls" is just gross.

Yes I recognise the problem of seeking male approval. But surely the first step in addressing this is by accepting women over 18 are no longer girls but are actually adults? And perhaps by accepting they are adults it be a first step in realising they don't need approval from random men.

The longer women buy into society labelling them as children - as they do by calling themselves girls- the longer it perpetuates their treatment of them as such.

You don’t need approval from women any more than you need it from men. Sounds from this like you’re jus switching your approval seeking from your male colleagues to your female ones. I think you need to stop seeking external validation full stop. Try counselling?

The term ‘pick me girl’, like ‘cool wife’, is just more misogynist bollocks made up to make women feel shit about themselves.

Eh? Do you hate other women, struggle with female friendships, lean into the guys at the expense of forming connections with other women?

I can't really see anything "pick me" about what you wrote. Being mildly flirty/enjoying banter does not a pick me make.

Also f that phrase. It's so dumb.

Stop getting your ‘psychology’ from Instagram, OP. I guarantee you it will massively improve your life.

I personally think that anybody using derogatory misogynistic insults like "pick me girls" and all the "hand maiden " and "aunt Lydia" shit you see on the FWR board here can't actually call themselves feminists. They're just a different flavour of misogynists who think a woman only deserves respect if she agrees with them otherwise they are a "useful idiot" or "getting on their knees for the patriarchy". Disgusting language and definitely not respectful of women or feminist in any way whatsoever.

Get off Instagram.

It’s about as useful a label as “ boomer” and “ Karen”. It’s just one more lazy ‘ let’s be vile about fellow humans’ meme.

I’m like this, but I am not trying to fix it. I think it’s perfectly fine for a red-blooded heterosexual woman in her 30s (as I am) to thrive off attention from attractive heterosexual men. Life would be pretty dull if we only sought attention from our husbands.

It’s pretty dull either way if this is how get your kicks.

Never heard of this phrase can someone explain it

Absolutely this. I can’t bear grown women being called girls - stop infantilising us.

I’m 50, a professional woman with two children. I am no one’s girl

So. Much. This.

See also the supposed feminists who assume every poster who doesn’t agree with them on all things, especially anything related to sex and relationships, must be a man.

I don't think that's really being a 'pick me' girl. It's just basic human nature, isn't it?

This
Well said

I don't know how you can fix it. Many of us were taught to please men from childhood by our behaviour and appearance, and if we're going to be completely honest here, the rewards, while superficial, can be good.
Its hard not to enjoy the attention, the interest, being treated nicely and kindly and pandered around. And even if you know full well that its only happening because you're looking the part and saying the lines, it can still feel a whole lot more pleasant than being treated badly or ignored.
I think all you can really do is know you're doing it and why you're doing it. And, (vitally) vow you will never do it at the expense of other women. So never try to win approval by putting other women down and showing them how much 'better' you are at being what they want. Never join in when they belittle other women. Never court their attention while overlooking other women or allowing them to be sidelined. Make a conscious effort to prioritise engaging with women when you've the choice.
That way you can be a 'pick me' in the privacy of your head, but you'll not hurt anyone by it.

You don’t sound like the stereotypical pick me girl, that sort of woman puts other women down to make herself more attractive to men.

being a flirt with men who have partners when you also have a partner yourself is not a good look however. I don’t know how you change that if you are a naturally flirty person though

Irrelevant of title wanting men to approve of you and fancy you screams of deep seated insecurity and low self esteem.

so I’d focus on that, what’s caused it, and try to improve it/

Totally agree with this. Don't criticise yourself OP. You're developing your self - awareness which is good but you don't need to change if you aren't hurting anyone. We're all at the mercy of the way we've been socialised, to some extent at least

Get some self respect and stop doing it.

Yep. Helped along by the likes of insta and the rest.