To realise I'm a "pick me girl" and to ask how to change?

[ReSaPaLo]

I've watched a bunch of insta reels that focus on "pick me girls" over the last few years and I've come to realise that it applies to me. I'm a feminist, I was so grossed out by the idea of pick me girls, and it struck me last night when thinking about how I relate to my male colleagues, I still seem to crave their attention and approval. These men are my age, in our mid 40s, all of us partnered up or married, a lovely workplace culture etc. Led by a woman and lots of female colleagues too, I am not feeling competitive with any other women, absolutely the opposite and very secure in my capabilities. But still I find myself fixating on the approval of these men, trying to be their mates and a potential sexual interest, its ridiculous.

Does anyone have advice on fixing that mindset? I am in no way proud of it and am definitely concerned about how it appears to my female colleagues who undoubtedly would see it and judge heavily (rightly so).

Thanks!

I've only heard it used by women often to put down other women, 'Stop being such a pick me girl'; 'she's such a pick me girl.'

I always find all these social media terms infantile and idiotic. But I guess they have always existed as I remember reading articles like these in Cosmopolitan when I was younger, written by women often telling women how they should / should not behave. It really pisses me off, women who generalise and suddenly set themselves up as an advocate for us (nobody asked them to). We are all different and there is nothing wrong with that.

'Aunt Lydia' - mainly used by feminists as I can't imagine many men having read The Handmaid's Tale. I've never heard it used by men.

Menopause fixes this.

I agree the term is gross and using anything like it in the context of a society where it is encouraged in women and girls to view other women and girls as competition for male approval isn't surprising. But the fact we all understand it as shorthand to refer to a woman who puts other women down to gain the approval of men suggests it, or something else, is useful to an extent. Unfortunately I think anything like that is bound to be twisted and soaked in judgement.

Also gross is the fact that it is a term in general use in my daughter's primary school and has been adapted by boys to put down bright girls who participate enthusiastically in their own school lives and learning.

Not quite the same but I overcame being a people pleaser by becoming a silent people critic. I swapped desperately hoping people liked me and would include me to wondering if I liked them and whether I wanted to include them in my life.
It was surprisingly easy and effective.

Maybe you could do that with these colleagues. Just quietly, instead of 'pick me' keenness, quietly assess whether they deserve your undivided attention and your surplus energy at any given moment or whether you want to keep some of that in reserve for your partner, family, female colleagues, clients etc.

I was thinking along these lines, are you perhaps doing some mild flirting rather than anything worse? Some people flirt like they breathe and mean nothing by it. Maybe be kinder to yourself and try a bit of social flattery with your female colleagues too if it is a skill you have, then you won’t feel bad.

You care way too much about what others think about you. Who cares if they judge you, it says more about them than you.

I naturally find it easier to talk to men because I find they’re less likely to be over sensitive or bitch, they also don’t tend to be passive aggressive and have a sense of humour. So at work I find it easier to talk to them, I wouldn’t call myself a ‘pick me girl’ though and really couldn’t care less what the women in the office think. Although I don’t deliberately try to get their attention sexually though. But still, if it’s harmless and giving you a boost, stop worrying about what people on the internet say

It’s not ridiculous.People like to be liked.

don't be ridiculous. sometimes someone calling you a handmaiden is just because you are behaving like a handmaiden, not because they're a different flavour of misogynist. another woman disagreeing with you is not misogyny just because you are a woman

Of course women disagreeing with other women is not misogyny. Why do you think using derisive language designed to put women down (the very definition of misogynistic insult) is merely a disagreement between women?

When women behave like a bitch feminists scream misogyny if you actually call them a bitch, so why is calling a woman a handmaid any different even if your honk she's acting like one? Putting women down using insults that only apply to women is misogyny. Sorry you don't like that pointing out to you!

See how I disagreed with you there without using a misogynistic insult? It's almost like misogyny and women disagreeing are two different things!

Thanks for all your replies. I do not put down other women as it seems is a common "pick me girl" trait, which i agree is a stupid term.
Also not flirty, just like, friendly?

Deep seated insecurity might be closer to the truth!

And I like the idea of the silent people critic. That might balance it out for me!

Appreciate all the discussion here

I’ve definitely become less interested in keeping men happy now I’ve hit menopause.

I Also worried I was too amenable and friendly with the men in the office, but I sometimes think it’s something many of us do to make our careers as smooth as possible.

Lol, if you think a woman who doesn't like being called female specific insults by aggressive women who don't like their opinions is the same as an incel bot then there really is no point in discussing anything of this with you.

Several women on this thread have agreed with me by the way, we're not all incel bots, we are real women who recognise that women who insult, degrade and put other women down are not feminists and can keep their insults to themselves. I will certainly not be teaching my daughter it's not misogyny to be degraded for her actions as a woman as long as it comes from another woman who proclaims herself a feminist 🙄

Oh, btw, ofc handmaiden is rooted in hatred of women, the posts calling women handmaids are dripping with hatred of the women you and others feel deserve the title and often littered with other insults such as traitors, getting on your knees for the patriarchy which is particularly disgusting to come from one woman to another. You'll find that the majority of women who refuse to use this language against other women find it misogynistic and the ones that use it don't and will argue black is blue that it's not misogynistic to insult, degrade and deride women this way. The latter are the minority in my opinion.

Please stop using misogynistic phrases and please stop watching stupid social media telling you how to be a better woman and new ways to denigrate other women. Maybe you are ok exactly as you are? Maybe you have better things to do with your time and can make a better contribution to society by focusing on your work and family and telling all these media 'influencers' to go to fuck.

I wonder what your relationship with your parents was like when you were little?

So there are no women effectively supporting the patriarchy and throwing other women under the bus? Come on, we all know there are.
A choice or view isn't automatically correct and feminist because a woman makes or holds it.

Of course there are. But it is not feminist to invest derogatory slurs for groups of women either. Both actions are misogynistic. You can disagree with how a group of women behave without creating slurs for them you know.