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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to stick to the court order?

40 replies

carah27 · 20/03/2026 20:29

My child’s father took me to court after being absent from their life for a prolonged period.

There is an interim court order for a set number of sessions in a contact centre, on a set day every week, supervised, pending Cafcass report and further hearing…

After 1 session, child’s father has advised he is unable to make a third of the remaining sessions… quite a chunk.

He says it is due to work, and wants those sessions moved so he can still see our child.

He picked the contact centre and the dates. I was very flexible when this was being hashed out in court as he’s accused me of making contact difficult before.

From my side, contact broke down previously because he was unreliable with times and dates.

AIBU to want to stick to the court order and say no?

OP posts:
Vaxtable · 20/03/2026 20:40

If he chose the dates he can go back and get them changed, as long as you can do them

RandomMess · 20/03/2026 20:41

I would stick to the court order else it seems likely he will push and push.

Thelongestcovid · 20/03/2026 20:45

Yes hold the boundary. If he wants to dick about with dates he can do that in court. Make it clear to the contact centre that you are willing and ready to make DC available at each date in the court order. Get a paper trail of everything.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 20/03/2026 20:49

He picked the contact centre and the dates

Make sure you turn up at the appropriate dates and have proof eg signature from the staff. Then you’ve got even more proof…..

he’s accused me of making contact difficult before

…..that it isn’t you making things difficult.

I would also look into using one of those texting apps that I’ve seen recommended, rather than texting which I imagine can be selectively deleted.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/03/2026 20:50

See what the CAFCASS officer suggests. It’s important they don’t think you’re obstructive.

INeedAnotherName · 20/03/2026 20:51

You stick to the court order. Otherwise you could risk being in contempt and/or upsetting the judge and that is something you really don't want to be doing. If he wants to change that court order then he needs to go back to court. I mean.. he does know how to do that so it shouldn't be that difficult for him surely 😃

Easterbunnyishotandcross · 20/03/2026 20:52

Ime hold your nerve op.

The court order or he takes it back to be changed. And explains why he ballsed it up.

Original poster
carah27 · 20/03/2026 20:53

We don’t have any contact at all, my address and contact details are confidential right now but that may change in future depending on what the court decides. It is all through solicitors at the moment.

I will 100% be turning up, even if I know he’s probably not going to show.

I am just disappointed a little as I hoped the fact that he went to the trouble of court may have meant he was serious about stepping up/maybe he’d changed etc.

My solicitor is away this week so I haven’t been able to go through this with him, but wanted to see what opinion on here was.

All I ever wanted was consistency and stability for my child. If it was so important I can’t see why he couldn’t change work, rather than make our child work around him for something so crucial.

OP posts:
Original poster
carah27 · 20/03/2026 20:53

Talking to Cafcass is a good idea as well.

OP posts:
INeedAnotherName · 20/03/2026 20:54

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/03/2026 20:50

See what the CAFCASS officer suggests. It’s important they don’t think you’re obstructive.

Why? She's following the judge's orders which were based on Ex's suggestions and wants. She doesn't need to involve anyone else at this stage except to turn up at the contact centre on those set dates.

Easterbunnyishotandcross · 20/03/2026 20:56

Cafcass ime are fucking useless.. Take your dc to the contact centre. Take pics of you both inside the doorway. Keep details of arrival /time you left..
Keep details of who you spoke to.
Ime vital details can be missed from reports. You need evidence you did everything expected of you.

CarrierbagsAndPJs · 20/03/2026 20:57

RandomMess · 20/03/2026 20:41

I would stick to the court order else it seems likely he will push and push.

Exactly. He is trying to control you through the child.

Absolutely stick to the court order.

Original poster
carah27 · 20/03/2026 20:59

I have work, other children (not with him) and commitments that I’ve had to shuffle around to be able to get my child to the contact centre for the sessions and dates he’s picked. This has meant calling in some favours etc to make it work. As I’m afraid of being called obstructive. So I will admit I am a little annoyed that he’s done this already, it feels like we are right back where we were years ago where everything had to revolve around him and his whims.

OP posts:
SpryCat · 20/03/2026 21:07

Stick to the dates on the court order and if he wants them moved then he will have to go back to court to change them.
He’s trying to mess you about to feel in control but if he chose the dates then keeps going back to court continuously to change them then it shows how unreliable he is.
Keep calm, say you’re sticking to the dates on the court order and turn up on those days until he gets the dates changed via court. He could be trying to make you think he won’t be there so you don’t go and make it look like you are ignoring court order.

Driftingawaynow · 20/03/2026 21:20

I’ve spent a hideous amount of time in the family court. I hate to say it, but I think you could make yourself look really bad by rigidly sticking to times when he has tried to renegotiate.

I would not refuse to change them on principle. Obv if it’s not possible for you that’s different but the court will prioritise contact over what’s fair on you. They won’t care he is changing it, they will care if they think you are not bending over backwards to make it work

socks1107 · 20/03/2026 21:24

From experience stick to it. I allowed my ex to move things and eventually my DDs became unsettled and worried when they would see their dad etc. I put my foot down and said contact order times only and he disappeared for nine months ( the second of three estrangement that he instigated) so I wish I had stuck to it from day one and been firm

SpryCat · 20/03/2026 21:27

He went to court so he could dictate dates/times to feel that life revolves around him. He’s not satisfied because you complied with the court order and he wants to up his game to feel more in control and to mess you about.
You need proof you arrived at contact centre at correct times and days so take photos and get a signature to show you turned up.

grumpygrape · 20/03/2026 21:28

carah27 · 20/03/2026 20:53

Talking to Cafcass is a good idea as well.

This is what I would recommend. If you contact them, you kill two birds with one stone in making them aware he has asked to change the order and that you want to do the right thing.

WiggyPig · 20/03/2026 21:56

carah27 · 20/03/2026 20:59

I have work, other children (not with him) and commitments that I’ve had to shuffle around to be able to get my child to the contact centre for the sessions and dates he’s picked. This has meant calling in some favours etc to make it work. As I’m afraid of being called obstructive. So I will admit I am a little annoyed that he’s done this already, it feels like we are right back where we were years ago where everything had to revolve around him and his whims.

I think in those circumstances, and where he's already picked the contact centre and the dates, you're quite reasonable to stick to the order. I'd keep it in writing and keep it bland, along the lines of "I've already made a lot of adjustments so that I could accommodate the dates you asked for in court, I'm afraid my other commitments mean I can't change them again. Teddy will be available at the centre on the dates in the order." and leave it there.

And have a think about how you will talk about it to DC as well in the event that he is a no-show, because children are sponges for things they shouldn't overhear and you don't want your child saying to the Cafcass officer "Mummy says this is why the stupid fucker hasn't seen me for years!" or even just using what are obviously adult phrases like saying "Daddy didn't come and see me, but frankly our expectations were low." If you do speak to the Cafcass officer maybe ask their advice on how to find the balance if he lets them down - because you don't want to speak negatively about him to DC but also you don't want to invalidate their feelings either.

Easterbunnyishotandcross · 20/03/2026 22:04

It's actually good that you have had to reorganise work. An example to the ex that such things can and should be done. And at least one of you managed it.
And to the court you were prepared to do whatever it took to forge a relationship between your dc and their df...
He can't say the same and it absolutely will go against him.

NoCommentingFromNowOn · 20/03/2026 22:08

This from @SpryCat is good…

Keep calm, say you’re sticking to the dates on the court order and turn up on those days until he gets the dates changed via court. He could be trying to make you think he won’t be there so you don’t go and make it look like you are ignoring court order.

Hankunamatata · 20/03/2026 22:13

I think you need to flex on this first request. Play the long game. You can ask that dates and times be supplied within the week.

If he messes about again after that then it shows badly for him as you have demonstrated flexibility

CompleteMere · 20/03/2026 22:31

OP, I would give an inch and see if he takes a mile. Anything that you’ve already made complicated arrangements to manage, tell him you can’t move because you’ve had to do xyz to accommodate his dates. But you could possibly do a different day instead of a couple of them as you want DD to be able to see him. See if he’s then magically able to manage the rest or if he wants to take you back to court so he can be in charge of it all.

TurtleGroove · 20/03/2026 22:46

Horrified at the people saying take your child when you know he won’t be there, take photos of them waiting for him etc.

Why would you knowingly cause your child emotional distress and then photograph it?! That harm would be solely on you OP - he has told you he won’t be there.

Easterbunnyishotandcross · 20/03/2026 22:54

Just because he told op he won't be there doesn't mean it's true.
He could be setting her up.