Aibu My Grandad died.

[MeDadMeDad]

Hello all today is a sad day as my Grandad died last night after a long illness and at 90yrs old.
Was expected but still a shock and upsetting once he passed.
My DM has lived at his house for over a year taking care of him and me and other family members helping out.
Just wondering aibu to think it strange that DM has already started taking belonging of his to the charity shop within an hour of the funeral directors coming to take him to the funeral home.
I just feel it is a bit soon, the house is council and keys will need to be given back in 4 weeks. Is this normal?

I expect that she doesn’t know what to do with herself after a year of caring so is doing something to keep her busy to distract herself from her grief.

This

Leave her be

Sorry for your loss OP.

There is no 'normal' when it comes to grief and it sounds as though keeping busy and 'getting on with it' is how she's coping

It’s her normal and it’s absolutely fine, can you help her navigate the next few days?

She’s done her pre grieving and now action is helping her. No judgement here

Exactly this. I did pretty much the same as my way of dealing with grief is to occupy myself doing practical things.

I am sorry for your loss. There is no normal with grief, and it can be a kind of madness too.

My DSM started sorting out my dad’s things the day after he died. I think she felt that delay had no advantages, and everything would still be hanging over her. I don’t judge.I know she loved him, utterly, and is bereft.

Unfortunately when you rent (private or council) the keys have to go back quickly so in a way clearing out may simply be her being practical and distracting her. There’s nothing else to be “done” today so she’s just occupying herself. We had 10 days to clear out when my grandmother died so it was just a “get things done” time, looking back this was actually easier than the months it took for mil’s house still not sold now

I think this is totally normal. I'vs seen lots of people get on with things paper work etc in the first couple of days then crash.

We started clearing my dad’s things the same day. YABU, she moved in to care for him for a year - that’s an incredible act of love and devotion. Your mum needs your love and support, not judgement.

I started clearing my DM’s things the minute she went to care. I knew it would be hard to do when she died as I was already grieving the loss of the person she was before dementia took her away. Any way people choose to manage the practical while processing their grief is normal, OP.

People grieve in their own ways, OP. Sometimes people need practical things to focus on. Please don't judge your poor mum.

@MeDadMeDad

I agree with others on here, that your DM is probably just trying to keep herself occupied, and is sorting things that need doing to keep herself busy. As has been said, people grieve in different ways. She needs to clear the house quickly too if it's social housing. I am sorry to hear about your grandad...

People react to bereavement in various ways. None are wrong. Unless they involve violence or doing something really nasty to someone. Which this isn't obviously.

But either wanting to cherish/ keep or throw away certain things is quite common.

This is her way of keeping busy. She feels she doesn't want reminders of him around? It feels cathartic to her?

If there are any items you'd like to keep for sentimental reasons definitely ask her while maybe offering to help her take things to dump or charity if they are genuinely no longer needed. If you feel up to it.

I'm so sorry for your loss x

I know lots of people who are like this in grief, including me.

It's very common to focus on the practicalities immediatly afterwards.

It's almost comforting to still be able to do things for the person who died.

Sorry your grandad has died.

Your mum will want to get it all cleared for the council. We never hang around in our family when it comes to clearing belongings. She will have had a really tough year caring for her dad.

I was the same, lived with my DM for the last 2 years of her life to care for her. Had all the paperwork, probate etc sorted within a couple of days, to keep my mind occupied. Thought that I was coping well then after about 3 months, I finally started to grieve properly.
Years before, when my DF died suddenly, my mother wouldn’t move any of his belongings, some things stayed as he had last touched them for about 10 years. A neighbour died at about the same time after a long illness and his widow had his clothes and personal effects cleared within a week or so.
Everyone copes in their own way I guess

I think it can be a normal grief reaction and maybe she feels like it will be easier to sort things now during the shock period rather than once the grief hits more? If you think she'll regret getting rid of everything then maybe keep back a few items that you know she might like to look at later or talk to her about it.

I'm sorry for your loss 💐.

I found my Mum dead at home last year, I was 6 months pregnant at the time. I was handed her eviction notice as I walked out with the funeral home staff. They gave me 2 weeks to clear everything.
Nothing is normal when you lose a parent, you go into autopilot because there’s just so much to do.

Sorry for your sad loss. As PP's have said, people grieve in different ways, and keeping busy can be her way of coming to terms with the loss of her beloved DF,
If she has been staying with him as he declined for a full year, she probably worked through some stages of grief before the actual event.
It is sadly true that the house will have to be cleared pretty smartly if it's a council property, before they take the matter over and charge accordingly; this may go some way towards giving her the impetus to attend to practical matters.
FWIW, I was totally calm when my mother finally died, dealt with everything in a whirlwind of activity, completely dry-eyed, and finally snapped and cried six months later after a completely trivial argument (about duffel coats, of all things!) so you may find that your DM shows a similar delayed reaction, maybe when a significant date comes around; she'll need your support then.

After my Mum had died in the night I cleared her room in the care home that day because I knew someone else was needing the room.

I had longer with my Dad because he owned the house but I needed to be practical and wanted the house empty and sold before the winter. As a PP said I did crash a couple of months later watching a film about ww2 depicting young men the way he was then. I absolutely blubbed in the cinema .

I started this process with my DMs blessing BEFORE she died - we knew she was terminally ill and in her last few weeks and it gave me something useful to do rather than sitting round crying.

I was with my mum at hospice the day she passed. And right after she died I got my notebook out and started to make lists of who to phone and notify and what to do. I guess I was in shock but people do deal with things differently. My way is to make lists keep busy.

Sorry for your loss, op. Some people react very differently when grief hits. When I lost my twin boys, for weeks after I used to go into the nursery and sit on the floor and cry. Dh couldn't face the room for a year and put away all their things. I talked about them, he couldn't for ages. I couldn't give away their stuff. Dh thought we should. We all react differently. I hope you are doing ok xx

But also to add I think part of me had come to terms a while back that mum wasn’t going to make it.