Aibu My Grandad died.

[MeDadMeDad]

Hello all today is a sad day as my Grandad died last night after a long illness and at 90yrs old.
Was expected but still a shock and upsetting once he passed.
My DM has lived at his house for over a year taking care of him and me and other family members helping out.
Just wondering aibu to think it strange that DM has already started taking belonging of his to the charity shop within an hour of the funeral directors coming to take him to the funeral home.
I just feel it is a bit soon, the house is council and keys will need to be given back in 4 weeks. Is this normal?

My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly at home. After he left the house I was in a bit of a daze, and decided to get on with some chores at home. The first thing I tackled was the laundry, but I recall as clear as day thinking there was no point in washing his things, so I threw them in the bin. To an outsider perhaps that looked callous and uncaring, but in my state of shock it was just a practical thing to do. I think the OP is being far too unreasonable in judging f her mothers actions.

I started clearing my mum's things the day after she died in a hospice. Dad was there but almost catatonic with grief (we realised subsequently that he was already suffering with dementia) so we took her clothes, etcto the charity shop and then my brother and I set to and decorated the bungalow - to naked ut nicer fir Dad and just to have something to occupy our time apart from funeral stuff.

Weeks before my Dad died his house had been emptied and the keys handed back. I loved my dad so so much. I knew he was never going to go back home and that being in his house would be so hard after he died. It was hard enough doing it before he died and i can only imagine how hard it would be after. Sometimes you just have to do it when you can. It has nothing to do with being disrespectful and everything to do with you having the mental strength to deal with it. There is no right time.

Sorry for your loss.

Everyone copes in different ways and for some people keeping busy is the best way they can deal with things. Also if she’s anxious about meeting the deadline then getting on with what needs to be done can help relieve that anxiety.

So sorry to hear this @Ella31 the grief must be so much worse than anything I've experienced.

I’m sorry for your loss. But I have to say there is no one way to grieve. Often when someone elderly has been unwell for a while, their loved ones will have already done several months of grieving prior to their passing. The time between death and a funeral can be a time of flux and people like to keep busy. The 4 weeks allowed by the council for clearance isn’t long either. I imagine your mum has psyched herself up as this needing to be something to be dealt with alongside the funeral arrangements. She may also find a wave of grief hits her in later days. Hopefully you will be able to help with the love and support she may need.

If he’s had a long illness she will have already been prepared. My. Guess is she felt she lost him a long time ago

Clearing stuff is her way of coping just leave her to grieve in her own way

Sorry for your loss OP, but it’s a completely normal reaction.
She’s most likely been making a mental list of stuff thats got to be done for months, and it’s helping her get on with it.

I went to work (own business) the afternoon after my mum died - there was stuff only I could do so it made sense to get it over with.
My neighbours son was killed in a car crash - she went to church and carried on with the Easter flower arranging. Sometimes it helps to cling to a bit of “normal”.

There is no normal when it comes to grief. Everyone is different. Sounds like your DM has probably been pre grieving knowing her dad was deteriorating as she was looking after him. From personal experience doing something practical like sorting clothes out to go to the charity shop helped immensely in the immediate time following the loss of a loved one. Absolutely no judgement here about your DM.

It's a way of coping. My DM died in a care home. We sat with manager and talked about funeral arrangement and gave the details of the undertaker we wanted. And then I asked if they wanted us to take her things there and then! It was the only practical thing I could think to do.

You’re not unreasonable but neither is she either. We all deal with grief in our own way.

Sorry for your loss.

Aw thank you. Not at all. Grief is grief isn't it. Everyone's worst moment is their own. Losing your mum is so pivotal. I'm lucky to still have mine. I hope you are doing ok since xxxx

We started clearing my dad’s things before he died. There’s no right or wrong time

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Sorting out your Grandfather’s home is the last thing your Mum can do for her Dad, there is no “wrong” way to approach it.

I found my lovely MiL dead at home. After doing all the formalities, I had 3 hours to kill until my DH and his brother could get to the house. I started clearing out the kitchen then the living room. I put it in black sacks in the back garden.

I was the only one to look after her and I think I was on autopilot. I don’t know if my BiL thought I overstepped. We got on very well and I literally did everything for her. He never said anything, but in hindsight maybe I too was a bit previous.

She was in a council house and we only had 14 days.

first off I am so sorry for your loss.

My mum and dad did that when my Nanna (mum’s mum) died. She lived alone, but they owned her house. My dad phoned me 24 hours after they had found her to ask if I wanted something that I don’t even remember what it was because they were taking it to the charity shop if not. How my mum wasn’t going mental at him is beyond me - there was no mortgage to pay that meant there was a desperate need to get it emptied immediately. I like to think it’s just a coping mechanism. Or because he’d had to clear out quickly when his mum died (care home so of course they wanted the room) he just automatically went into organising mode.

I imagine your mum is trying to keep busy and take her mind off the loss. I ended up taking a couple of days off work with my Nanna’s death because I wasn’t in any state to work. I threw myself into having a clothing sort out at home because I just felt this need to be doing something and to stop myself from crying. Ironically I’m crying now at the memory.

Look after yourself and your mum, sorry again xx

We started clearing my Nan's house a few days after she died. It was council, and there was a lot of rubbish. I even took a bed base and headboard after we got back from the funeral.

I'm sure the neighbours thought we were cold hearted, but it was an expected death that we were mentally prepared for (and Nan was more than ready for) and we just knew that practically, we had to get stuff sorted as soon as possible.

It's a huge administrative burden, dealing with death, so I'd accept that everyone does it in the best way for them

I'm sorry for your loss, love. Your mum's reaction might be uncomfortable for you but it's a common grief reaction. When my friend died after a long illness, I went to stay with his wife for a few days. She wanted to clear out a lot of his stuff because, as she said, " he doesn't need it anymore". We also cleaned like crazy because the place had become so dusty and dirty during the months she was either caring for him or spending time with him in hospital. Having something to do was better than sitting around crying (though we did our fair share of that too). All bets are off when you are in deep grief.

I haven't read other replies but imagine your mum is probably running on auto pilot.

Not sure if it's the same with your area but some authorities have significant penalties if a house isn't emptied and returned back in a decent condition within the 4 weeks, so its understandable that she'll be making a start.

They'll also be other arrangements she'll have to see to and 4 weeks is no time at all.

It's when she comes off of auto pilot and moves back home that she'll probably start coming to terms with what's happened.

I'd say 2 things are happening here. She's trying to keep herself busy and on a practical level she knows the house has to go back. Next week she might well be organising a funeral, she will have so much to do and is getting on with it.

4 weeks isn’t a long time, especially as the funeral will likely be at some point in that time.

Keeping a practical head on and getting things organised because she really sits down and thinks about the fact her Dad is gone isn’t abnormal, and is very understandable.