To find my 3 year old impossible to live with

[Caterpillarhopping]

I love my little girl. She's 3, the middle of 3 children (adopted for context, but 100% my children).

She whines, cries, tantrums constantly. She can be sweet and funny. She can be affectionate but she whines more often than she's happy. She is defiant and controlling and nearly every time you ask her to do something it's a no or a battle and tantrum. She's completely out of my control and on her own agenda. Every day it's like she's never been asked to put on a shoe before.

She's always been a tantrum and whiney child and just isn't growing out of it. I am now on antidepressants from the exhaustion of the incessant whining. It's soul destroying.

Her brothers are more chilled, the older one probably autistic but aside from some meltdowns is largely a sweet child.

I feel so sad that I just find her so hard work. I find myself thinking that home life would be so much nicer and happier if she just stopped whining and being controlling and defiant.

She's my daughter and I love her, but I struggle every day with the battles and I'm worried about the impact it's having on my husband and I and her brothers.

What ages were they when you adopted them? What occurred prior to adoption will have varied for them and it's a lot to deal with even if adopted from birth but sounds like you adopted a sibling group. 3 is a hard age, did you experience your eldest at 3 or was he older when he arrived? 3-5 is pretty hard going even with the most placid of children. Also she's not defianta and controlling. She's 3 and working out her emotions. You need to maybe do a parenting course and I say that not because they are adopted but because of your language towards her

And you're not on antidepressants because your 3 yr old whines. You're on antidepressants because you suffer from depression. That's not the fault of a toddler

Are the 3 children bio siblings and adopted at the same time? If one is potentially autistic the sibling could be too. No child is the same. My ds is autistic and believe me, when I say I sometimes get 1 hour sleeps per night im not joking. Some kids are harder than others its not all plain sailing

My son was 8 months old when he arrived, she was 2 weeks old and the little one came at 3 months.

We've been called into preschool because of her defiance, although it has improved at school.

I have a great life, I love my kids, my husband, my job, my dog, my hobbies. After we had our son I had no issues. I just feel worn down by her. I love all 3 the same, but I feel really sad that I don't enjoy her as much.

They are all full siblings.

I think the key point here is that you find her hard work. That doesnt mean she is doing anything wrong, she sounds entirely average for a 3 year old. She’ll change as her emotions mature. Maybe you need some new strategies - at that age, using play and fun for everyday tasks can help. Like role play or challenges like timing her putting her shoes on.

This isn’t a helpful or nice comment to suggest a parenting course?

Re the parenting course - I have done one of the online ones you can subscribe to. However, I am a former SENCo ( now deputy head). I know a bit about children!

What was the situation with mum? Any drug/alcohol use in pregnancy?

OP never said it was her daughter’s fault.

Birth mother took some drugs but no alcohol.

None of this is her fault. She's 3. She's not trying to be difficult.

However, the amount she whines is very hard to live with. My guilt comes from me finding her very difficult but knowing it's not her fault and I don't want to be worn down by her.

You need to establish firstly is it a) that you need a break, or b) you need to work on her resilience and whinging. Or is it both?

How often does she attend nursery?

My eldest was whingy 😅 but now he’s 7 he’s so much better!

OP ignore the poster having a dig at you. FWIW I think this is very much a personality thing rather than an adoptee thing - my bio daughter is exactly the same; when she was 3 I could have written your post word for word! She also made life bloody difficult; I loved (and still love!) her to bits and she had many many positive qualities, but my god she was hard work compared to the others. I found her absolutely exhausting so I really sympathise.
She’s now nearly 8 and while she has come on hugely, she’s still far harder work than any of my other kids (and I have lots!) and I still find her exhausting on a regular basis. She’s still difficult but the good qualities outweigh the negative ones most of the time. I’ve come to accept that what she needs and what she wants diverge more for her than for the average kid so I have to impose things on her that she perceives as punishments (like having time on her own to wind down) in order to make her and our lives smoother. She really struggles with emotional regulation and spends a lot of time on the edge of deregulation, which is often unavoidable but I do try and build in mitigating strategies. However at 3 to be honest I was still just hanging on and hoping for the best! It has gotten easier - I think with some kids you just have to accept being the bad guy sometimes even if it’s not very nice for them or you - most kids just need a tweak into the right direction but some need a lot more managing and it sounds like she may well be one of them. It’s nothing you’re doing wrong though - some kids are just wired that way 🤷‍♀️

Agree op some kids are just harder. If there's no SEN with your dd hopefully she grows out of it soon. Solidarity. Kids are hard!

Fellow adopter here - I don't know how much you understand about early trauma, attachment, epigenics etc but certainly, parenting children removed from their birth family can be incredibly challenging. Do you know other adopters? Do you live in the UK and have post adoption support? BTW how do you know bm didn't drink?

You seem to be framing as you have a great life, perfect infact, but for 1 child's behaviour.

If her behavior is effecting you this badly the problem is your emotional regulation

She specifically states she's on antidepressants because of the ehining

Birth mother had had 4 previous children removed.she was incredibly open about her drug taking and smoking. She admitted a lot very candidly and was under social care scrutiny. She reports never being a drinker.

I understand a lot about trauma and attachment. I know adopted children can be different.

She does affect my emotional regulation but also my parents find her wearing, pre school have called me in for meetings, my husband comments on her moaning (he's a GP so also understands child development).

@Caterpillarhopping I’m going to suggest you head over to the adoption boards, under becoming a parent (threads there don’t show under active). You’ll find lots of very experienced adopters who are also supportive and generous with their knowledge.

Having been a SENCo gives you knowledge but it’s completely different when it’s your own child. I’m a children and families social worker, and a psychotherapist with a specialism in trauma and while I have experience and knowledge, adopting my kids knocked me on my arse. So value what you bring, but don’t expect that will mean you don’t have struggles or things you find very hard.

Id also say that in 25 years of social work practice I’ve never worked with a mum who used drugs and didn’t use alcohol, so try not to dismiss that prospect. Pre-birth experiences can also have a profound impact on child development things like birth mums mental health, her trauma experiences will all have their part to play.

People will tell you that it’s her personality, or that her adoption isn’t relevant, or that all kids can be defiant, but adoption is always in the mix because trauma is always in the mix with adopted children. It may not be the only thing at play, or the most impactful, but it’s there.

Do post on the adoption boards, you’ll be with people who properly get it, were a friendly bunch.

Mostly I'm offloading here as I want to be a great Mum and I feel so guilty that I love her so much but find her so wearing.

I'm not about to put her in the bin. I just struggle to think she might always be this way inclined.

Yeah, she's hard work I dont doubt that, traumatized children often are.

You're not on antidepressants because of her, you are an adult, your mental health is not a child's responsibility

You don't need to prove she's hard work, a 3 yr old from a traumatic background having trouble settling is normal. What's not normal is declaring you find her impossible to live with.

My eldest had a very violent stage around 3/4 (not adopted but lots of medical trauma) but at no point did I think 'my child is impossible to live with, he's the reason I'm on antidepressants ' etc. what I did was seek counselling and support to parent him because I'm the adult.

Do that

As a pp said, if her sibling is autistic then it’s highly likely she too has special educational needs , they are just manifesting in a different way for her.

Thank you so much.

I certainly understand how much a part it plays for my 3.

I understand that drugs and trauma will have a huge impact on her regulation. I want to be a brilliant supportive, therapeutic Mum. Day after day of incessant whining is just making me a husk. I cry so often feeling like I can't take any more of the moaning or the battles over every facet. Her defiance has meant that school are struggling with the impact it has on the other children.

You're not on antidepressants because of her, you are an adult, your mental health is not a child's responsibility

I don't know how to articulate this.im not blaming her. However, I wholeheartedly know that if my life were identical but you removed her defiance, I would not be so low that I'm on Sertraline. I'm perfectly happy at work, with either or both of the boys, I have tough days but rarely end up thinking " I can't keep on like this" until she's off refusing dressing, shoes, to sit in her car seat ( she unbuckles mid journey).