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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To find my 3 year old impossible to live with

52 replies

Caterpillarhopping · 19/03/2026 20:47

I love my little girl. She's 3, the middle of 3 children (adopted for context, but 100% my children).

She whines, cries, tantrums constantly. She can be sweet and funny. She can be affectionate but she whines more often than she's happy. She is defiant and controlling and nearly every time you ask her to do something it's a no or a battle and tantrum. She's completely out of my control and on her own agenda. Every day it's like she's never been asked to put on a shoe before.

She's always been a tantrum and whiney child and just isn't growing out of it. I am now on antidepressants from the exhaustion of the incessant whining. It's soul destroying.

Her brothers are more chilled, the older one probably autistic but aside from some meltdowns is largely a sweet child.

I feel so sad that I just find her so hard work. I find myself thinking that home life would be so much nicer and happier if she just stopped whining and being controlling and defiant.

She's my daughter and I love her, but I struggle every day with the battles and I'm worried about the impact it's having on my husband and I and her brothers.

OP posts:
Dalmationday · 20/03/2026 04:30

OP you sound like a wonderful mother with tons of experience of children so please ignore those who are being judgemental and mean in their replies.you clearly know kids inc SEN

I haven’t adopted but from PP it does sound like they are a kind bunch on that forum to talk to.
my 2 yo is also strong willed so it’s hard to know what’s nature or nurture especially with your children’s adoption factor.

wishing you well!!

HangryBrickShark · 20/03/2026 04:36

Jellycatspyjamas · 19/03/2026 21:28

@Caterpillarhopping I’m going to suggest you head over to the adoption boards, under becoming a parent (threads there don’t show under active). You’ll find lots of very experienced adopters who are also supportive and generous with their knowledge.

Having been a SENCo gives you knowledge but it’s completely different when it’s your own child. I’m a children and families social worker, and a psychotherapist with a specialism in trauma and while I have experience and knowledge, adopting my kids knocked me on my arse. So value what you bring, but don’t expect that will mean you don’t have struggles or things you find very hard.

Id also say that in 25 years of social work practice I’ve never worked with a mum who used drugs and didn’t use alcohol, so try not to dismiss that prospect. Pre-birth experiences can also have a profound impact on child development things like birth mums mental health, her trauma experiences will all have their part to play.

People will tell you that it’s her personality, or that her adoption isn’t relevant, or that all kids can be defiant, but adoption is always in the mix because trauma is always in the mix with adopted children. It may not be the only thing at play, or the most impactful, but it’s there.

Do post on the adoption boards, you’ll be with people who properly get it, were a friendly bunch.

Sorry to derail slightly. I had no idea that a birth Mum's life experience/past trauma played such a big part on very early child development. I'm adopted, was 6 wks at the time, was very much a challenge in later years, also on the spectrum. Very insightful info that in my 56 years I never realised until now.

OP you're doing a great job by the sounds of it. Don't be too hard on yourself.

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