My nearly 4 year old doesn’t want to do nursery activities like dancing

[aidontknow]

they had a Christmas play and he just stood there, picking his nose and putting his hands down his trousers at the back.

we had a Mother’s Day thing and he just sat there, refusing to sing or participate.

I have now been sent a video of them doing head, shoulders knees and toes and he’s just sitting there - then lies down at some point.

Is this normal ??

he’s bright and chatty and seems to have friends etc. nursery don’t have major concerns about him really, but I just think it’s a bit sad or are some kids just like this ?

Well just to balance the anacdata, it was my nt son who refused to join in at 3 and my autistic son who always joined in with enthusiasm-and is now at uni studying the performing arts. He always enjoyed dressing up too.

My 2nd was like this as well and no ADHD, autism or anything

I think it is important to distnguish between
'autistic children don't like joining in' and 'children who don't like joining in are autistic' they are not the same.

After many years of working with children, I would say that in the majority of performances involving 3/4/5 year olds there will be a kid at the back picking his nose with his hands in his pants, there will also usually be a kid (or two) who bursts into tears and has to be gently taken offstage to it on a teacher's lap. they are not autistic; they are little.

There are also many children who just don't particularly enjoy dancing/singing/performing in general just as many don't enjoy maths/english/reading/sports/art etc. and they probably never particularly will never those activities, like all of us they have preferences with what interests and excites them

My DD is a mix of your two :)

Creative and imaginative especially towards unicorns and fairies, questions all the time, wants to know how things work.

She used to stand with a confused expression on her face during these little shows 😂 she was a reluctant participant in year 1... Looked rather bored, but went through the motions She might warm up to it.

We can't all be performers can we. If he's otherwise happy I'm sure he's fine.

My middle son was exactly as you describe. Any event at pre school and later school, he just wasn't interested at all. He was also cautious and observant. I would describe him like a cat,. likes to sit back and watch and if you come at him to fast he will back right off. Now he's older he's still not comfortable with being centre of attention but he's happy and bright has a great group of friends and very outgoing within his circle.

I was just going to say similar. I’ve been like this for 49 years! I’m not autistic and it’s never held me back 😉

Early Years teacher here, you always get a couple of 3/4 year olds like this. Sometimes it’s because they are autistic, sometimes not. Don’t make a big deal of it and it may pass.

Lots of children don’t like performing, but it’s a bit unusual that he seems to have no desire to please the teachers, please you? That desire to please or ‘do well’ is what usually makes them join in reluctantly, even if they don’t particularly want to. Also social pressure as all the other kids are doing it.

Does he desire to please you in other ways? Behaving well, making you feel proud of him (‘look what I’ve done mummy!). Does he pay attention to what other kids are doing?

Oh, I was very self-conscious at that age. No idea why. I just was.

Yes he does like to please me and his teachers in other ways for sure. At parents evening that’s actually what his teacher told me- that he wants so much to please them and be good/ do the right thing.

so I’m not sure why in the case of performances that goes out of the window. Maybe they’ve kind of ‘ allowed him ‘ to just not take part and now he thinks that’s ok. Whereas maybe he needs a bit more encouragement. I’ll try to encourage him more too. But with me he can be a bit oppositional where he sometimes won’t do stuff, because he knows I want him to do it. Other times he does want to please me too though. But he does like the control of doing the opposite of what you want him to do too.

My son was like this. But since starting school he has participated in everything. Some kids are just like that. My daughter is the complete opposite and loves to perform. My son is just shy and doesnt like being in the spotlight. School has given him so much confidence though.

My son stood and did nothing for the nativity play. He did a happy jump and squeal and then wondered around the stage before doing a runner out the door. He is likely autistic. My daughter used to just cry and not want to do it as she was very nervous.

Also laid on his tummy and looked at the audience. 🤣

My DS was like this. Hated any form of performance activity and would rather stand out as the only one not doing it than join in. He was like it through most of Primary School but eventually developed an interest in music and went on to perform in public. No sign of neuro diversity.

I could well imagine my younger one doing this. She just wanders off if she doesn’t want to participate, or dos something different like taking her shoes off to investigate the soles.

I don’t think she’s autistic. She just only wants to do the things she wants to do. And she’s three, and so inherently unreasonable.

My DS hates those kinds of things. Dressing up too. I'm not worried, he's just not into it and that's fine.

Don't shy kids exist anymore are they all just labelled as autistic

Fairly normal, I'd say.
My daughter wouldn't go near the sandpit at nursery for anything. She said it was squishy and yuck, so would just wander off to something that interested her.

Took her to the park with my nephew some time after, and was shocked to see her jumping in the sandpit with him. She tested it a few times, then went for it 🤷🏾‍♀️.

Sometimes they just can't be bothered to feign enthusiasm for some things. Give him time and this may pass, or not.

Course they do.

One of my sons mouthed the words and the other stood still. As long as they weren’t disrupting the performance, I was fine with that. The younger one hated face paints too so when he played a shepherd in the nativity, he was credited as young shepherd as the other 2 had facial hair drawn on.

If he was a little older then I would mentioned not putting his hands in his pants publicly.

Their sister loved that kind of thing and happily participated.

Just not everyone enjoys it. Not all Adults enjoy dancing (I dont) Maybe he doesnt want to be a performing seal! He sounds great ,As long as hes happy no problems just let him chill!

My neighbour’s daughter was like this and the nursery suggested a psychological assessment. Assessor came out after assessment laughing. Said child was just very intelligent and stubborn. In future years completely normal and very sociable kid but remained delightfully dedicated to own view of what constituted a fun activity…

Spot on, and highly intelligent in most cases.

Yes, but we shouldn’t be too quick to armchair diagnose other’s kids nor to stigmatise normal variations in character and personality. It’s a US import to pathologise introverts.

I’m a NT, basically law abiding and functioning adult married with kids, friends and a rewarding career. I nearly got expelled from nursery at 4 because I refused point blank to do circle time preferring instead to run round hall in circuits with three other small rebels I’d led astray before climbing on to slide platform and throwing our slippers off it ….happy days. You are allowed to have a ‘kick in your gallop’ at 4!