To not really enjoy family life?

[groundhoglet]

I have a 6 year old and an almost 1 year old. The baby doesn't sleep well so neither do I. I love them both and they are both great but the shouting and noise in the evening after I've been at work all day is almost unbearable. I find myself getting grumpy with them and trying to get away from them and then I feel really sad about it. Last night the 6 year old spent the night away at a school trip and it was so calm and easy with just the one, even though she had a bout of gastroentiritis. I feel terrible saying it and I love the baby so much but I probably should have stuck to one. Does anyone relate to this?

A loaded one.

Don't be dramatic. I’ve explained the very relevant context to my question multiple times.

Problem is you end up bickering and defending the fact your partner isn’t a useless waste of space, just that … life and also no matter what they do it’s exhausting because it is … but the back and forth means that the support on thread is missed. I have to admit I read it as others did; it’s always the way on here. ‘Are you a single parent?’ is a thinly veiled criticism.

Ok but no one on the thread thinks you’re being genuine @ToKittyornottoKitty so why not just let it go? You obviously used the wrong tone if it was genuine

It's just a tricky and exhausting stage but it will get better as baby gets bigger. It's probably the full time work that drains all your energy, and unfortunately little left by the evening, but it's not really the children that are the issue just being tired! It will get better.

Why is your child shouting in the evenings ? No need for that .

are you also working a very stressful job?

Kids do. They are tired too; they bicker amongst themselves and then you get the endless ‘mummyyyyyys.’

If you were genuinely asking a question you would have written: does your DH help at night? Which is obviously not what you wrote.

You made an assumption which turned out to be wrong. It happens.

What a terrible thing to say

Shouting is not inevitable . Work on some strategies for a calm evei g and you will enjoy them more , meal prep so you don’t have to cook on working days , you don’t have to bath everyone every night ( morning shower can be easier ) drop your housekeeping standards and focus on the kids intensively for the hour you get in ( in a fun way ) and you make enjoy it more . If you found it easier with one away divide and conquer a bit more with your DH and so one child each .

I think that’s a terrible thing to say actually.

Having two children has tested me to my limits in many ways and while I love them both dearly I struggle with the knowledge I’m not the parent i want to be to them both. The love is there but the money, time and ability to be in two different places at once just ain’t, no matter how much I want it to be.

I wouldn’t return one but I do sometimes think if I hadn’t met them, if I knew what having two involved without having met the beautiful little people who deserve the best and get mediocre … I’m not sure I’d make the same choice again.

5 years is a tricky age gap as right now their needs will feel very incompatible in some ways. Mine are 3 years apart and that was hard enough! And you're in a wee flat, so you'll notice the noise and clashing more.

Divide and conquer and limiting the time they were together to reduce the bickering/frustration worked for us, but it does mean you get less time with your partner/as a unit. DS1 was a very quiet, introverted kid and DS2 a hurricane, and DS1 would get overstimulated by his younger brother. We tag teamed in the evenings after work. One of us would be doing the tea while the other watched them/made sure DS2 didn't pester DS1 if he needed quiet time in his room. One did DS2 bedtime, the other would be downstairs reading or playing a game with DS1. DH used to take them to swimming on Saturday mornings so I'd get a bit of downtime as I was part time when they were pre schoolers. Then on a Sundays I usually took DS1 out to do something that was more his sort of thing and DH would take DS2 to the park. DS2 was just unbearable without enough physical activity.

Breathe - this phase doesn't last! When older DC is a bit older and more independent, it'll feel less chaotic.

agreed- I know loads of parents who say this privately so don’t think it’s even controversial. Only thing I would say is looking back I think when we only had 1 we were overly intense.

it’s like 1.5 is the perfect number lol

Thanks a lot @CrazyGoatLady, you're right I think the divide and conquer thing is the way while we're in this stage. Individually both are generally calm and sweet, not crazy energetic or anything. But when they're together they seem to get louder and louder until they're both just screeching non stop at me.

@Itsmetheflamingo 1.5 would be ideal. I thought i was being so clever and sidestepping the difficulties of two little ones with the 5 year gap, well turns out im not so smart after all.

Why and who is shouting? My kids never shouted . No TV, calm routines, but j di agree that age gap is tough.
I sècond loop earplugs.

I definitely agree with divide and conquer. I'd also be more strict about the 6 year old screeching, she's more than old enough to know not to screech.

Sleep training? It sounds like the 1 year old is awake a lot through the night and everything always seems better when you are well rested.

@ChaliceinWonderland it's the older one, she's not shouting in anger and she hardly ever watches TV. But she'll be telling us the whole plot of charlie and the chocolate factory, or about her teacher's trip to Italy, or about the difference between bad witches and good witches, or singing every single Huntrix song, and she has to do it all loudly to be heard over the baby complaining about not being allowed to eat the scissors or whatever

Get some citalopram from your gp. It will take the edge of it all

@SouthLondonMum22 what type of sleep training do you recommend? I don't like to leave them to cry but yesterday i just ended up letting her cry next to me cause even when I try to settle her she thrashes around and tries to get away from me, I dont know what her deal is.

@Pyjamatimenow ok yes this is probably realistically the easiest solution

Realistically I think some people enjoy parenting more than others. Find it easier. Are easier going more go with the flow. Less anxious, less perfect less sensory overloaded. My husband finds it hard. Everything about kids every day. And he only spends 5 minutes with them sometimes.

I have 3 under 5 and I find it comparatively easier than him. Admittedly I don’t have paid employment right now and if I did perhaps I would be giving you a different answer - if you have a highly stressful job I’m not surprised you find family life hard on top of that

Setting aside the shitty passive aggresiveness of this comment. What gigantic house do you live in? I've seen this advice many times: OH should help at night.

My DH is currently handling all night wakes. All of them (luckily it's not that many anymore). I still wake up every single time. I'm properly woken up. I have a 1,500 square feet house and quite good insulation. I even use ear plugs. But a screaming toddler at 2am just goes right through me. No way can I sleep through it. And i find it very difficult to go back to sleep, just like DH.

You’re at the rough end of the hard work:enjoyable ratio. It will get so much better.

in the meantime, do what men do and find a hobby that gives you an hour or two to yourself each week.

There's quite a few options and it doesn't necessarily mean leaving them to cry but just be aware that those options will likely take longer.

Pick up/put down is the one I used which is pretty much what it says on the tin. Put them down, pick them up if the cry and once settled, put them down again and repeat until they stay asleep.

There's also a well used one which does involve a bit of crying but doesn't involve just walking away and leaving them to it. You go back to check in timed intervals so after 2 minutes, 7 minutes, 10 minutes etc to reassure them that you are still there. This can be very effective.

@SouthLondonMum22 thank you, yeah I was reading about those at some point but i have so little time and focus that it seems overwhelming even to try. But I will give it a go.