AIBU to worry Dad isn’t safe moving from care home?

[CareHomeWorries]

This might be long, sorry.

My dad was moved into a care home in December while my mum was in hospital. He's 82, has recently had a heart attack and small stroke, both of which have affected his physical health and his memory/mind.

My mum sadly passed away in Jan and my dad has continued to live in the care home because he isn't safe at home on his own, even with carers going on because he won't eat and he won't take his medication.

He's recently been offered a place at an extra care facility which is essentially a bungalow in a complex with carers on site who will visit him four times a day. This is the same level of support he was getting living at home and the carers themselves raised concerns about him not being safe.

2025 was an awful year due to the sudden decline in my Mam’s health; she was in and out of hospital, usually by emergency ambulance and had several falls, the last of which led to her death. My sister had several times where the carers rang her in the middle of the night because something had happened and she needed to rush to the bungalow and has stated plainly that she cannot do that again. I am a single parent and can't leave my children so would also be unable to help.

He's been assessed by a committee as being safe to move into this extra care facility but I have this awful dread in my gut that it's just going to start again with the falls and emergencies. I know for a fact he won't let the carers look after him and he'll start refusing his meds again. He has incontinence and even between us we couldn't keep up with the washing, which included the full bedding every day because he wouldn't let the carers do it.

I work full time and have two children who need me, and my sister is unfortunately suffering from such severe anxiety that even on medication she struggles to leave her home currently.

Awbu to want him to stay where he's safe and well looked after?

I agree the home sounds best for him. Who’s paying for it all?
Also if he’s incontinent he can he adult nappies on the NHS. That will help with bed wetting. Sending ❤️

the more independence he has the better his mental and physical health will be and the longer he will live.

You reckon? As a falls risk with memory issues?

OP unfortunately funding has a major part to play in this. If he is self funding, absolutely keep him where you think suits his needs.
If state funded, this decision may be more based on savings rather than suitability of care. There is continuing healthcare budget, but eligibility is getting tighter all the time.

Agree with you. He’s not likely to retain or improve independence as he ages, quite the reverse.
It may all come down to who’s paying.
Make it clear to ‘the committee’ there are no family who will provide any input AT ALL. So basically he’s home alone 24/7, 7 days a week. Who will do his shopping for example? This has disaster written all over it.
Does he have capacity? Do you have POA?

He's already had one heart attack because he stopped by taking his medication.

Finding is half from him, half for the local authority. I am in the process of getting poa and they're saying he still has capacity but I genuinely have my doubts.

I would want the very best for my DF, and take into account where he would feel at home, and as happy as can be, not what suits myself. I would also take into account what his capacity is.

i think you need to put im writing that you are concerned about an unsafe discharge, that whatever he tells them about being able to remember pills and having a daughter that’ll help us incorrect. that you cannot because of childcare etc and just put them straight.

If he doesn’t have capacity you won’t get poa it’ll be too late.

He probably would be save living independently if he would let the carers do their thing and would take his medication. It may be that he has said he will do this, and as he has capacity they have to go with what he’s said.

It may also be he’s said you will help him. It’s worth emphasising to whoever is making the decisions that your experience is that he will refuse care/meds, and that you and your sister are unable to provide any care that the carers can’t deliver.

(FWIW get POA while everyone thinks he has capacity - once he’s deemed as not having capacity it’s too late to do it, and get both types of POA).

Sadly it’s all too common for people to be put in this position, we had to let it happen so we could prove it was the wrong thing and more care was needed.

Yes, as I know with my parents, care homes are the beginning of the end made quicker. 🙁

Or, the point at which the person needs the care home marks the beginning of the end.

If the local authority are funding half then yes they can pull their funding if a care assessment finds he could cope with 4 visits. So then either he pays all or he moves, the situation gets fucked up and they finally admit he needs a care home after one or more medical crises.

If you think the care needs assessment was wrong you can complain. I haven't done it myself but this is the Age UK fact sheet. You can also call the Age UK advice line

https://www.ageuk.org.uk/siteassets/documents/factsheets/fs59_how_to_resolve_problems_and_complain_about_social_care_fcs.pdf

We got LPA when many thought capacity had been lost. But the lady who did the certificate (from an excellent company who do this a lot) said that capacity is judged in the moment. So at the time of the assessment my relative was deemed to have capacity. The next day they didn't remember it but a month or so later asked about the 'nice young lady who came to visit'.
Also lived alone, forgot to take tablets etc and after most of a year in hospital was discharged to a nursing home. They are absolutely thriving there. It's like a 5 star hotel compared to home! All meals, laundry, cleaning, activities (only if you choose to join in), medicine at the right time, and company as and when you want it. One resident has been there 6 years and looks really well - just can't cope alone at home. So a care home, if you chose the right one, is not necessarily the beginning of the end. (My relative is self funding.)

He is doing so much better in the care home than he was on his own in the bungalow.

That’s all very well but you have to take into account what it’s possible to do. If someone needs new bedding every day and “won’t let” the people on site change it, do you think it’s sustainable for people with jobs and families to have to drop everything to do it every day? And that will just be the tip of the iceberg

Dear Name,

I'm contacting you today about my dad, Name, and his potential move to a bungalow at Place

I have some serious concerns about both his safety and well-being if this move goes ahead which I will lay out below. My sister also shares these concerns.

Firstly, he is on medication for seizures which he must not suddenly stop taking. He is also on medication for his heart after his heart attack in October 2025. Left to his own devices he will not take this medication and even with support from carers he has missed his medication in the past. We have been told by his doctors that if he has another seizure or heart attack he most likely will not survive it so I'm sure you can understand how much this concerns me. This issue was raised by his previous carers while at Home too.

Secondly, after taking him shopping several times I do not believe he has the capacity to plan and make meals for himself. This was an issue when he was living alone in Home and even after buying ready meals and other easy to prepare items he was surviving on biscuits and scones. There were also several incidences where the carers said he refused meals prepared by them. Both my sister and I made him meals while visiting which stayed in the fridge for several days before being thrown away.

He is also not capable of or willing to put a grocery delivery away. My sister and I have tried this in the past and it resulted in multiple bags of fridge and freezer food being left on the side in the kitchen for so long it had to be thrown away. This happened even with a care package in place.

Thirdly, since his brain bleed in Oct 25, he gets confused easily and we are concerned that he will leave the bungalow and get lost. I took him into Lidl recently and he wandered off, then got upset because he couldn't find me. He has also previously gotten lost in the shopping center. We visited Home today and he was unable to unlock the door to enter the bungalow. In the past, he has also locked himself into the bungalow and left the keys in the door so no one else could gain entry either.

Fourthly, he currently has incontinence. This is well managed in Care Home but was not when he was relying on carers and my sister and I when living at Home. He had accidents both through the day and overnight which led to such a large amount of washing we had to buy three new duvets, new sheets and new clothes for him so he has bedding and clothes to wear. My sister was visiting daily and having to fully strip the bed and wash everything including the duvet because he would not allow the carers to do it. He was also sitting in soiled clothing and pads for hours because (in his words) “he was okay and couldn't be bothered to get changed.”

Lastly, while living on his own at Home, he was very down and depressed and would sit in the chair all day without doing anything. This led to us reaching out to the physio team who came to see him and advised he was at risk of a fall if he didn't increase his activity.

All of these factors led to both his carers and Social Worker advising us that it was in his best interest to go into a care home for more intensive care. I do not believe that has changed and my sister and I are both genuinely concerned about his moving to a bungalow, even with a care plan in place, due to these factors.

On a more personal note, neither my sister and I can provide the level of support we were previously doing while he was living at Home. I work full time and have two children who need me, and my sister is unfortunately suffering from such severe anxiety that even on medication she struggles to leave her home currently.

2025 was an awful year due to the sudden decline in my Mam’s health; she was in and out of hospital, usually by emergency ambulance and had several falls, the last of which led to her death. My sister had several times where the carers rang her in the middle of the night because something had happened and she needed to rush to the bungalow and has stated plainly that she cannot do that again. I am a single parent and can't leave my children so would also be unable to help.

While I understand my dad would like more independence I feel that moving to a bungalow, even with a care plan, is not in his best interest. I hope you will take these concerns seriously. My phone number is if you would like to contact me to discuss this in more detail. You can also contact my sister on if you wish to discuss this with her.

^^

Is a copy of the email I've sent to the social work team.

I genuinely believe the best for him is to stay where he is, where he's happy, safe and well looked after. He's tried living on his own with carers going in and to be frank it was an absolute disaster that resulted in him sitting naked and soiled in a chair making no sense at all because he'd had a heart attack.

it is quite unusual to move back from a care home. I’d want them to put in writing how they will ensure his safety given the risks of falls, likely non compliance with medicine and lack of family support. It often concentrates the mind if this stuff is explicitly written down.

is the issue that he need the local authority to fund the care home? If you and he want to move to the care home you can do this privately?

I think your initial draft has some good points but includes too much that isn’t 100% relevant. Run it through chat gpt and ask it to sharpen up and focus on issues of safety. You need to be a bit more explicit and say you believe the plans are unsafe and represent a safeguarding concern and want explicit assurances for how the local authority would manage each concern in the extra care setting. I’d also want feedback from the care home on how he is doing and the level of care currently provided.

I think that’s an excellent email personally. I hope it does the trick.

Frankly I don’t think he sounds as if he has the mental capacity to decide where to live. If there is push back following your email, ask to discuss the capacity assessment with them. Or ask for a second opinion on his mental capacity for that decision, done eg by his GP. Given that you have provided information about the risks of his going home in the email, what were his responses when asked how he would manage those issues? (I’ll bet my bottom dollar they didn’t ask him eg how he would deal with soiling the bed and changing his sheets, and whether he has any understanding of how this is managed in the care home currently).

@CareHomeWorries

this sounds horrendous for you and your sister.
I would phone up the adult safeguarding team at the local authority too and add some weight to the social care referral.
This sounds like absolute madness - I hope you can get it sorted out.