AIBU to worry Dad isn’t safe moving from care home?

[CareHomeWorries]

This might be long, sorry.

My dad was moved into a care home in December while my mum was in hospital. He's 82, has recently had a heart attack and small stroke, both of which have affected his physical health and his memory/mind.

My mum sadly passed away in Jan and my dad has continued to live in the care home because he isn't safe at home on his own, even with carers going on because he won't eat and he won't take his medication.

He's recently been offered a place at an extra care facility which is essentially a bungalow in a complex with carers on site who will visit him four times a day. This is the same level of support he was getting living at home and the carers themselves raised concerns about him not being safe.

2025 was an awful year due to the sudden decline in my Mam’s health; she was in and out of hospital, usually by emergency ambulance and had several falls, the last of which led to her death. My sister had several times where the carers rang her in the middle of the night because something had happened and she needed to rush to the bungalow and has stated plainly that she cannot do that again. I am a single parent and can't leave my children so would also be unable to help.

He's been assessed by a committee as being safe to move into this extra care facility but I have this awful dread in my gut that it's just going to start again with the falls and emergencies. I know for a fact he won't let the carers look after him and he'll start refusing his meds again. He has incontinence and even between us we couldn't keep up with the washing, which included the full bedding every day because he wouldn't let the carers do it.

I work full time and have two children who need me, and my sister is unfortunately suffering from such severe anxiety that even on medication she struggles to leave her home currently.

Awbu to want him to stay where he's safe and well looked after?

Your DF should want for you, as his child, to be as happy as you can be, not what suits him to the detriment of others.
The wants of someone at the end of life don’t trump others in the prime of theirs.

Have you been out to look at the complex? Some of these places are brilliant and would offer him the privacy of his own home with the same or similar levels of care he currently receives in the home.
I would not write it off without going and looking at it. Some of these places things you are concerned about would be more than felt with in the complexes I’ve worked in.
There is usually 24 hour care available even if he is only scheduled four care visits the teams will be onsite and respond to fall alarms and other needs.
Food - often there is a dinning room where residents can go for meals the same as in a care home. Or they can cook or be cooked for in their own home. It just adds that flexibility for people.
Locking himself in or out wouldn’t happen as these places are designed for his demographic so don’t have doors that cannot be unlocked from outside. Equally residents usually cannot exit the complex without going through the main building or security. So he wouldn’t be able to just walk offsite without anyone knowing.
There is usually a variety of lounges and communal facilities for the residents to use so he wouldn’t be isolated like he was at home.

I would really recommend going and seeing the place before ruling it out as you may well find it would offer him the best of both worlds!

I am familiar with the place. There's no dining room and only a small community room. The bungalows are set in a grove with multiple points of access so there's nothing stopping people from leaving.

I would write a letter simply outlining your concerns. Dear .... we are writing to express our concerns over the decision to move our father.... from ........ to an extra living bungalow with 4 carers a day as we are no longer able to assist with any personal or housekeeping care. Our main concerns are that he will need full supervision and prompting with essential medication, washing, dressing, safe mobility, purchasing, storing and preparing food and drinks. As you know he has a history of falling which, with his medication, can lead to very serious consequences.

We are in the process of applying for poa, until that time we would be grateful if you would, with our father's consent, agree to a meeting where we can discuss our concerns with you together with a copy of his current careplan, care needs assessment and all risk assessments.

Is there a property to sell? Has anyone asked him where he would like to live and has he had a capacity assessment. Who is on the committee.

Not if you choose carefully. My DM was very nearly 89 when we finally moved her to a care home - advancing dementia meant she simply wasn’t safe to be left alone at all any more.

The care home - an Abbeyfield - was excellent. DM stayed there until she died at 97.

If you do write to them you should copy in his gp and his adult social services safeguarding team. Is he on anti coagulant