Your first love, has it affected the way you feel about the opposite sex?

[NovemberMorn]

Most people remember their first love, whether it was a positive experience, or a horrible one, a fleeting or a lasting one.
Does it affect the way you now feel about men, or women, if you are gay/bi or male, or if it was horrible, have you managed to move on unscathed?

YANBU....My heart was broken, but I got over it with no lasting ill effects.
YABU....It's put me off trusting anyone else....ever again.

My first love was (in retrospect) not so good. I fell head over heels with a man I later found out was married with children. He was very clever at hiding it. I was young, seventeen, and he was almost thirty.... it went on for quite a while, the lying and false promises when I eventually found out he had a wife and family were quite something.

Did it make me untrusting of future men...Nope. Happily, it did not.

To add...I don't think it's unreasonable to hang onto past hurt, not good, but people handle things differently, but they are the only options available.

My first love hasn’t really affected me in the least. I was hurt when we split up and I remember how awful it felt but it didn’t have any long term impact. I met someone else about nine months later.

None of my relationships, even the two that were frankly horrific, ever affected the way I feel about men. Men aren’t a homogeneous mass.

I’ve had two long term relationships and the first (my first love) ended by sort of just burning out so it hasn’t affected me.

Second ended following his affair and leaving me and two DC for OW - still not really affected my outlook on other men. I feel I’m better informed, more mature, less naive though. I know what to look out for, the telltale signs, what to do and what not to do to keep the spark etc so I actually feel my relationships have got healthier as they’ve gone on rather than vice versa.

My first love was amazing. I suffered from childhood neglect and now I'm older I realise I wasn't a good girlfriend to him.

I just wish I could say sorry. Just so he knows, it wasn't him. It was me!

But he probably doesn't remember me now.

Hasn't harmed how I see men but has probably harmed how he sees women ☹️

Mine was a childhood sweetheart - we met at primary school, lived near each other, played together etc. Lost touch a bit when we went to secondary school, but met again aged 16 doing the same weekend job. Head over heels in love for a few years, till we moved to another town to lived together, but we really were not mature enough, and it didn't last even a year after that. We contacted again through social media many years later, both then in our 50s, and in relationships etc, just wanted to catch up with each other. We had a lovely dinner and chat, and that was it. We're still in touch. She's a good person, and once we were inseparable. My stable relationship eventually failed (still friends with her too 😃) and my childhood sweetheart is doing well and enjoying life 😊

No I’ve had largely positive relationships with men. I’m probably a decent part of the reason previous relationships split, choosing poorly to match my personality and such like.

My first love was an awesome experience and although we were not suited I still have fond memories of that time. We were together a decent number of years. I’ve met him many times since over the years and he seems like he is still a really good man.

The relationships that really affected my view of men were my familial relationships.

As with everything it wasn’t all bad and there was a lot of positives too but I would say early childhood emotional neglect and coldness, abuse from a male family member and a house full of emotional avoidants who have covered up consequences from that abuse and a lot of misogynistic bullying had more impact on shaping my view of the opposite sex than the relationships I’ve had with men. There were males and misogyny at the core of these negative experiences.

My first serious relationship was emotionally abusive. I left with some serious psychological scars, however it taught me what to look for in a partner and what to avoid. The break up also gave me an opportunity to reflect on my own behaviour and work on myself.

Ultimately, while it was a horrible experience I think I came out of it a better person than when I went in and it lead to me finding a wonderful, healthy relationship with my DH.

No. I've had some pretty rough experiences with men both in relationships and more generally. I still believe that the vast majority of men are good. They may not always be good for me specifically, but that's another matter.

Thanks for the replies, and so far, everyone has remained optimistic, which I think is testament to the human spirit.
I know from reading on here, sometimes women say they are are sworn off men because they have been let down, and I do get that, but persoanlly I think it's great the majority get back in the saddle, so to speak, x

I don’t understand the question. Are you asking whether posters’ negative experiences with a first love/ relationship “turned” them gay or made them decide to become celibate forever?

It was nice. That's it.

I think the father and the relationship modeled by the parents has far more influence on how women see men as they grow up. That's the male and relationship model they grew up with.

Not at all....I was asking if a first love didn't go well, did it affect future relationships negatively....or not.

It was aimed at everyone, straight, gay...and everone in between.

Good point, though I had a very useless father as a role model, as well as a lying first love....and yet still managed to not be disillusioned.

Not really, but it definitely was more of a that one came along and I was 15 and was like, oh sure, you’ll do for a bit.

He definitely wasn’t my type. Definitely nothing like the sort of person I was well suited for. Nothing like Dh. I do wonder how he’s doing from time to time. Best I could tell years ago, he seemed married then divorced with like 3-4 kids and hadn’t really gone far in life.

That said, my long term boyfriend from school died last year. I do actually think about him quite a bit. Not because I wanted anything to do with him or had any attraction at all. In fact, just the opposite. But he had a hugely traumatic childhood, violent dad, sibling suicide as a teenager, was an alcoholic probably from the age of 15, married a woman his mum’s age (30 years older than him), died in his mid 40s. Quite a sad life. He contacted me a few months before he died and I never responded. I realise now he was probably just wanting to say goodbye (terminal cancer). I feel sorry I ignored him now, so I do often think what a waste of a life. No doubt the hugely traumatic childhood he lived through was not unconnected to his early death.

My first love was incredibly positive and a bit negative. We were teenagers so the positives were, felt completely loved and cherished, had great sex and some wild adventures. The negatives were teen drama on both our parts, shit stirring "friends" and we later found out (30 years later) that we had both been lied to by someone which had essentially helped break us up. I think had we met later in life it might have turned out differently.

Because I was very hurt that it ended I chose a safe relationship next at uni, someone I loved but who didn't set me on fire. Then after some disastrous dating I met Dh in my early 20s and we have been together ever since. He did light me on fire and I realised he was worth the risk.

I am still friends with my first love. We have both changed a great deal and I am glad of his friendship which has only really come about in the last 5 years.

"He contacted me a few months before he died and I never responded. I realise now he was probably just wanting to say goodbye (terminal cancer). I feel sorry I ignored him now."

That struck a real cord with me. The exact same thing happened with my first boyfriend (the married one with kids) Thirty years later, after no contact, he tried (through friends of friends) to meet up, I refused, and he died soon after.
I wasn't sorry I ignored him, though I didn't know at the time he was dying.

He was wonderful but we were better as friends than in a relationship.
Sadly, he died, long before his time. I have wonderful memories of him, from when we were together and when we were friends. I miss him.

My first love, no.

My second love changed my brain chemistry forever and left me with PTSD.

My third love restored my faith in men.

I was a 'late starter' as they seemed to call it then. (I am 53 now).

My first few boyfriends who I thought I was madly in love with, were quite misogynistic and obsessed with appearances. Gym going types, much much older than me and keen to have a young girl on their arms.

The first one and the third broke my heart. But looking back I thank my stars that it finished.

I met DH who is 23 years older than me when I was 30. He is a strong feminist, was interested in my mind and impressed by my accomplishments and he champions me every day. I have been very lucky tbh. I hitched my wagon 23 years ago to someone who respects me, is my best friend and who likes and respects women. Not because we are women, but because he thinks about people, not sex.

My first love jilted me. It changed me in all sorts of ways and one of those ways is that one becomes a little more cynical about life in general, a loss of innocence in the midst of being the wounded party. However, I was really lucky to benefit from almost universal support from our mutual friends at the time and also very lucky that one of them was the real thing. Married 30+ years. So, yes over it a long time ago. A few years ago, I saw him as he was visiting my workplace. I smiled and he ignored me, I was amused, so definitely over it.

I married mine.

My first love was a crush, it lasted about 3 years, he was an absolutely perfect man in every way.
He never even noticed me, but that made him all the more desirable.
When I was fifteen, I decided to move on, but I still remember my first love fondly.
Some people laugh at crushes, but they can be just as intense as a physical relationship.

I don’t know who I’d class as my “first love”, but my first long term … I don’t even know what you’d call it really… experience?! Was far from ideal.

He was a lot older than me, I was 19 when we met and hadn’t had anything long term before. We had more of a situationship than relationship. We were great friends and we had more, but he was all over the place and treated me badly in that respect. It did me a lot of harm.

I’m not sure if it changed my approach to men or not, it’s impossible to know without having lived an alternative reality and comparing my thoughts and feelings, but it did have an impact on me as a person and how I feel. I’ve had successful relationships since with people who have been more reliable and trustworthy than him, so it’s not like he swore me off men.

Weirdly we’ve always stayed friends in a fashion and while we don’t speak regularly, we’re still in touch now and then and could still hang out and be cool.

Strangely enough, I’ve reconnected with my first love recently and we’re in touch most days. No idea where it’s going but we’re planning to meet up face to face at some point. We’re both now mid-50s and were together when we were both 20ish. We were introduced by mutual friends on our uni year abroad in France and only broke up when it became too hard to maintain a serious relationship when we were rarely in the same country at the same time (I’m English, he’s Norwegian). We met up on and off for a decade after that as friends (in a variety of countries!) but that stopped when he got married. He set the bar pretty high for me (he’s an amazing man) and I never met anyone I felt the same way about. For some reason (no idea why really, just remembering old times) I messaged him on LinkedIn a month or so ago. Turns out he’s recently divorced and we get on just as well as we ever did. He messages me a lot (we’re still in different countries but my current employer is headquartered in his current country of residence) so we’re talking about meeting there, or having a holiday break together in his home in Norway. Who knows what will happen? Maybe the novelty will wear off and we’ll drift apart again as at some point one of us would have to move countries (me most likely) and with Brexit that’s obviously problematic. But for the moment we’re both enjoying the connection we still have and not worrying about what or if anything will come of it.

My first love was funny, sweet, older than me and totally unreliable.
We saw each other for 2 years and I really loved him.
The night before I came home to England he asked me to stay with him. It was an impossible typical romantic but useless gesture and I saw it as such. Did not put me off men and I remember him very fondly