AIBU to think many Mumsnet replies are overly aggressive and shaming?

[EdgyCrow]

To think that MN is full of people just wanting to argue?
I read so many threads that are generally about a specific experience someone is having and many of the responders are so aggressive. Shaming them, making them feel like terrible human beings. I wonder if a friend or even just someone they met in a shop brought up such an experience, whether they would reply in such a blunt manner? You always find reasonable people in the comments who genuinely want to help/support/ offer a different opinion but the majority tend to be along the lines of 'Jesus Christ...' 'I hope he leave you and finds someone better' or 'this must be rage bait'. When its just someone living in a different way to you?

It’s always been a bit fighty but sometimes it becomes unreadable. It’s now possible to report people for being “aggressive and unhelpful”. Which I do - quite often.

I think the biggest thing you have to recognise here, is just the sheer volume of people with different ages, different experiences, different backgrounds and all living completely different lives. We often think our friends wouldn’t say that to us….but really our friends are our friends, generally because we’re like minded people. I wouldn’t be friends with someone who was rude to me or wanted to pound their point into me until I was a quivering mess.

I do agree that some people are rude and aggressive and I do think there are nicer and kinder ways to put things. But equally people have come here for an opinion, written their “life” on a public forum for the world to see, and really not every reply is going to be what you want.

Not that I think because you write here, you deserve to be a victim of nastiness, I just don’t know how you change that. I read lots of things here and tbh just pass them by. For lots of reasons. I’m much much much older than most people here…they don’t have my life experience….im not going to argue with anyone say an adult kids thread, when their kids are toddlers and what they’ll do “in the future” or “ one day”, that’s just ridiculous. Equally I don’t tend to argue with anyone on anything, that’s just not my personality.

A lot of people should be able to pass things by without being annoyed or het up but sadly like real life, that’s just doesn’t happen.

You’re on AIBU, get used to it. Explore the site and get to know the other topics and sections really well is my advice

I recently had a hoity toity reply on a lighthearted thread, under another name, I’ve chosen to completely ignore it. Some people get their kicks from it, it’s quite odd

I agree that some posters are unnecessarily rude and nasty. It's best to ignore them or report them. There are lots of kind helpful posters too.

Definitely. Some posters just want to pick on some minor detail (possibly the way it's worded?) rather than engage in a discussion. I've found that - increasingly - it gets very personal.
I just ignore the personal stuff, or make light of it.
There are lots of decent posters, though, and people wanting/ sharing advice or discussing issues. it's a shame when those threads get derailed.

That's definitely good advice!

Mn is vile nowadays, it’s just pure entertainment for me now when I'm bored. I’ve just come off a thread about people who have baby on board stickers on their cars. I wouldn’t get one and I can see why some people would think they are a bit ‘naff’, but the pure vitriol spouting out of some of the posters is what I’d save for baby rapists and murderers, not new mums and dads who have got excited about having a baby and want to show it off. Utterly bizarre, it makes you feel a bit sorry for people who have to live with such disgusting thoughts in their heads

YANBU. I’m amazed at how snide and unpleasant some posters are. I don’t understand why people are like that, if they are intentionally trying to hurt the OP or whether they don’t know how they come across. I think people like that are sad. I’ll happily disagree with someone and tell them I think they are being unreasonable but I’m not a jerk about it.

Imagine what a sad life you must lead to purposely go onto Mumsnet to be nasty to random people.

Yes you're absolutely correct OP.

And just so you know, this is a thread that's done almost every day lately, or at the very least 3 or 4 times per week.

Nothing ever changes and I seriously doubt it ever will, especially while name changing is (understandably) allowed.

The only way to vote is with your feet as I suspect if enough people delete their accounts, MNHQ will be forced to do something about it.

But right now, it's still busier than ever so they don't need to.

Yanbu people will argue with an OP over anything. Even when they are clearly not being unreasonable there will always be a handful of posters who just want to stick the boot in. Don’t get me wrong MN has always been blunt but it does seem to have shifted into needless nastiness. I often think people who get their kicks from being horrid to people who are already struggling must be deeply unhappy or insecure about something.

Yeah, but i think that these people are just desperately unhappy, so i dont take them seriously. If the best you can get out of life is trying to make others feel small then you arent doing very well.

This is exactly why I took a break from Mumsnet and have come back only recently. Really struggle with nasty, bad faith comments on light-hearted threads, people assuming or inferring things I've not said, etc. It can be exhausting. I knew the rest of the internet (Reddit etc) was like that so I don't know why I expected MN to be any different.

I agree with you OP. I’m generally only sharp with people who give shitty replies or those who derail a thread with an irrelevant argument. Although I do sometimes raise when I think the OP is just rage bait.

sometimes.. sometimes a person isn't intending to be horrible, they may just be no nonsense/calls a spade a spade and be unnecessarily blunt.

Sometimes posters have done something so awful they deserve to be told straight that their behaviour is shitty.

FTR, i've been around since 2005 and it isn't any better or worse than its ever been... we get called a Nest of Vipers for a reason. The place goes through cycles of being really harsh and then flips to more supportive, then back. It can also vary depending on the forum.

AIBU has ALWAYS been harsh.

I agree. I don't think I'd have hung around if this has been the typical experience 20 years ago.

I was very touched recently though when I had reason to post on the parenting young adults board (name changed) and received many supportive replies.

It really isn't just AIBU though.

I have been here ?16ish yrs. Relationships is now often awful too, and it used to have a much more supportive tone.

Had this thought exactly after reading that thread.

That's good to know.

Your first point nails it. People need to realise that aibu is not an advice site it's entertainment. That might not be what people want but it is the reality

Also to add, the sheer amount of eithier patently fake posts or posts where the person makes themselves out to be such a saint and if just looking for validation/a pile on against their husband, friend, daughter etc makes it more of a bear pit

Sad to say, some people just enjoy having a safe, anonymous go at other people.

Sad cases. TBH I often wonder whether in RL they’d dare to say boo to a goose.

Yes, and I think I might even be guilty of it from time to time. I think anonymous forums are often used as a way of venting or expressing
views in a way that wouldn’t be acceptable face to face.

Either that or there are a lot of perfect people, who’d dump their husband for breathing in the wrong direction, whose solution to every financial problem is to “take some ironing in”, who think friends are too much “drama”, and wonder why her bestie has ghosted then after they told her to go fuck herself because of some minor perceived infraction.

Yes but that’s what chat forums are are they? It well known they’re designed to encourage that kind of engagement

I do feel that Mumsnet can be very anti-man. There are women on here who i swear would shout divorce cos their husband sneezed in the wrong direction.