AIBU to think many Mumsnet replies are overly aggressive and shaming?

[EdgyCrow]

To think that MN is full of people just wanting to argue?
I read so many threads that are generally about a specific experience someone is having and many of the responders are so aggressive. Shaming them, making them feel like terrible human beings. I wonder if a friend or even just someone they met in a shop brought up such an experience, whether they would reply in such a blunt manner? You always find reasonable people in the comments who genuinely want to help/support/ offer a different opinion but the majority tend to be along the lines of 'Jesus Christ...' 'I hope he leave you and finds someone better' or 'this must be rage bait'. When its just someone living in a different way to you?

It depends. Absolutely there are some vile comments on posts. And I also hate it when posts get derailed by one or two having their own battle about something barely related to the original subject.
However, there are some, frankly, awful original posts and I do rather enjoy watching the poster getting told hard truths!
There are also posts that are worded badly or not properly thought through that automatically get a lot of people’s backs up - there was one the other day that said that 90% of all working mothers only do so because they use the grandparents for free childcare. What the poster meant was that in her rather niche experience (16 year old mother being treated horribly by other teenage mums) that was the case. But in not saying that it turned into a pile on from people pointing out that they have to pay extortionate rates for childcare care, have no nearby or living parents, etc., etc.

Its like most social media tbh.

Full of armchair experts and people looking for a gotcha.

Six of one and half a dozen of the other at times.

Some people are so closed minded and don't want to accept other have opinions. There are topics where it's seen that there is literally only one mindset and everyone has to accept it, people reply, sticking to their own opinion and others that don't agree can't live with a "agree to disagree", it's then that the argument is lost and insults are thrown.

Some threads on AIBU are pretty juvenile though, clearly some are just whiney posts that really are akin to he said, she said and a bit of thought should have gone into whether 'press post' should have been avoided in the furst place.

But then there really are those type of people that walk amongst us, and they're not always male, they need to put others down inorder to make themselves feel good, which in itself is quite sad.

On the whole you are not wrong OP. But there are also threads where someone posts with absolute conviction (recent m&s sandwich thread for example) that they are NBU and when posters don't align with that view, however politely they are then accused of "tearing me down" by a disgruntled OP

I commented on this on a recent thread where a poster was being ripped to shreds for no good reason. Clearly it's fine to have differing opinions but the sheer level of vitriol and OTT responses was ridiculous. I actually do think it's worse than in the past, Mumsnet used to be a little more reasoned and a lot more funny.

People are really contrary on here - unnecessarily hostile. It’s horrible! Snappy and rude, unnecessarily so. I find myself ignoring the first 10 and last 10 replies. The first are bulldog-chewing-a-wasp replies and the last are unnecessarily nitpicking, usually. Some posters need to take a good look at themselves - or get a hobby.

It says something when I feel Reddit is more support than here.

In modern Uk society the majority of people don’t have much chance to directly interact with others from all walks of life. Life is often lived in a bubble and hearing about how other people live and think is more likely to happen online than in the day to day.
I believe this is one of the reasons why people are truly taken aback when reading about how others act and think. Then then respond in such a way that would be appropriate for their own bubble, but could easily make someone outside of it feel attacked.
If someone’s world doesn’t involve fathers who abandon their children and mothers who have children with multiple partners then it’s easy to run the risk of writing posts where your words could be interpreted as a put down.
Likewise, if you are replying to poster asking about helping their child navigate their intense extra curricular schedule , then it’s easy to sound dismissive and unkind when this type of situation is not something you would ever come across.

Completely agree. Evidenced by the fact that you’ll see a thread titled something along the lines of “Feeling really low after my divorce, has anyone got any advice?” with 10 replies and something like “My toddler accidentally broke a toy in this shop, AIBU for refusing to pay for it?” with 350 replies (usually telling the poster what an entitled selfish dick they are). Some people just love to make other people feel like shit. It’s fucked up. And much as they argue that “of COURSE” they would speak to someone like that in real life, we all know they absolutely wouldn’t 🤣 they must have very small, sad little lives

Yep. You can often predict which threads will turn into bunfights, and which ones will bring out the “holier than thou” brigade. “I was caught speeding”: welcome to trial by Mumsnet, open and shut case. You are the reason children lie dead.

And some topics always need popcorn ready. Shoes off at home, workmen shitting in my toilet, etc.

Mumsnet was unreadable in 2020, a drowning pit of total hysteria. But similarly, Justine was the only person who actually grilled Boris Johnson, and asked him difficult questions: no journalists ever did (cos Tory bribery).

Sure, but if you have a giant, anonymous internet forum where namechanging is easy, you're going to get some bunfights, especially on AIBU. Which is why someone posting about a sensitive topic is usually advised to move it to one of the specialist boards for kinder and more targeted advice.

Also, posters who criticise others’ for spelling and grammar errors. Just why? It’s such snobbery and so pointless, and just nastiness for the sake of it. I read a post once where the OP described serious domestic abuse she had suffered, including being punched repeatedly in the face, and the first comment was “I think you’ll find it’s ‘they’re’ not ‘there’” 😮

Mumsnet was unreadable in 2020, a drowning pit of total hysteria.

Oh wasn't it just. On a thread asking what things we were most looking forward to when things were back to normal (circa April 2020 time) I said getting a haircut and going to the library as I read a lot and can't afford to always but new books.

Some utter loon completely same individual told me their grandmother always used the library too and they hoped that I'd be pleased with myself when I ended up killing them.I

I know a lot of threads from them are still up but I truly think MN 2020-22 had to be seen to be believed!

You're absolutely not being unreasonable, OP. I like to think of MN as a group of friends to talk with, and arguing a bit is fine, but bullying is not. I hate the "what do you expect to get out of posting?" comments, if you're having a natter you don't say "what do you expect to get out of telling me that?". It's a dialogue, give and take, with the advantage that you can move on without upsetting anyone if you're not interested.

It's sad because it really didn't used to be so nasty.

Style and Beauty used to be a lovely part of MN but just recently it’s descended into mini-AIBU status.

Yes I agree. It never used to be like this. And not just to the op’s but posters to other posters. I haven’t been on so much this past year. A couple of weeks ago I thought I’d try again. I was on a thread the other day and quoted a couple of people, like posters have for as long as I can remember, not necessarily specifically to engage that particular poster but to add something, agree, disagree, add a different view point etc. Both took this as a direct challenge to engage with them when it wasn’t. Both were really shitty to/about me. So strange. Had it been on AIBU I could perhaps understand. I did think about reporting one because it was really unpleasant. The other one basically said that what I had to say was irrelevant. But whatever.

People will pick up on minor, irrelevant things and run a mile with them. But other times people are doing really shitty things and sometimes something needs to be said. The pile on though can get ridiculous.

I’ve been on this site for over 10 years on and off.

it’s definitely worse than it was, the number of those who pile on with shitty and frankly cruel responses is mind boggling. If a leading expert in sky colour was to post about how wonderful the sky was today, how blue etc, a raft of twats WILL rock up and say that it’s not.

there have always been subjects like families/issues with parents etc where a tiresome bunch seems to send up a flare to bring others to shriek “but she’s faaaamily” and “I wish MY mother were here to annoy me like yours is…”

the number of utter idiots who swoop in like a rabid seagull only to shit all over a sensitive/delicate relationships thread on a subject they know FA about and zero empathy seems to have increased. Fucking scroll on seagull, you don’t have to drop your payload on everything; nobody cares about your opinion’

all I ask of us others is to tell these ridiculously rude people to jog on, report to MN admins and see if we can’t get a bit more empathy back where it needs to be.

The most toxic part of the site is the baby names board.

It’s extraordinary. Suggest anything outside of about 20 approved names, and you are torn to shreds.

It’s weird, it’s like the advice is from 40 years ago or something - that you’ll be bullied mercilessly if you aren’t called Tom or Sarah.

It is worse than it was.

The worst thing now is the combination of ridiculously poor comprehension and the need to stick the boot in.

Bad enough when it’s just sticking the boot in, but now it’s often doing so for something that the OP hasn’t actually said.

The worst one of that was the poor woman who posted that her partner had just punched her in the face. She had no money as they had just, that week, “brought a new house”. She was posting from the bathroom, obviously heartbroken and probably scared. It was very very very very obvious what she meant yet one absolute charmer (who is a very regular poster - I still bristle when I see her on a thread) replied “I’m confused, you brought your house? Do you live in a caravan?”

Not that it makes it alright on 'meatier' threads by any means; but some of my worst experiences have been people taking offence at stupid, frivolous things - well clear of AIBU and Chat.

You could start a thread asking what shade of green would work best for your bedroom curtains and you'd still get somebody telling you what a disgusting person you were because, if you had any sense of self-respect or neighbourliness, you would already know that blue blinds are the only decent option!

I think you come to a forum to find women's true opinions... not necessarily ones they'll say to your face... also, where the fun if everyone agrees? Might as well go to a reddit YES chamber.

But yes, everyone should keep it civil.

It's such a shame about S&B - I think it's often when threads end up in trending though and people just hop on without even realising it's a S&B thread?

Likewise the other board I frequent is The Litter Tray which is generally such a kind and friendly place, with regular posters who are very supportive. As soon as things end up outside the board though there will be people who don't even like cats wading in amongst posts looking for a row.

The time of day seems to have a bearing as late night threads often trend just because the site is quieter.