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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to avoid family gatherings due to sister-in-law's ongoing hostility?

46 replies

Petuniapetal · 18/03/2026 14:03

I started dating my husband 15 years ago when he was already separated from his first wife.

He hadn’t initiated divorce proceedings by that point but he was living in a different property and their marriage was well and truly over.

He had an affair with another woman prior to his separation and despite all parties knowing that I had nothing to do with him romantically or otherwise prior to him leaving his wife, I have over the last decade and a half been blamed for the break-up of his marriage. I have been subjected to harassment, I’ve had my reputation destroyed by the barrage of lies his wife has told, she’s emailed employers and colleagues with her stories. I’ve been accused of bullying her children. It’s been vile and despicable but I’ve continued to keep my head down and wait for people to get bored and move on. We live in a rural area so I guess there is little else to occupy people than idle gossip and salacious rumours. 15 years on and I’m still being subjected to bitchy jibes . The worst part is not the random strangers but the destruction of any kind of relationship between my husband and his children. His ex has successfully destroyed that for him. What is painful for me is that through all of this my sister-in-law chose to side with his ex years ago and still punishes me today. I hate seeing her. I hate her constant underhand comments and snide remarks. For some reason she has chosen to perpetuate the lies and gossip despite knowing the actual truth.
should I just refuse to partake in all family get togethers in order to avoid the constant barrage of nastiness that comes my way? Do I keep ignoring it or confront her? I am so desperate to move on with life but I feel as if I am trapped in a vicious cycle by these petty, catty women.

OP posts:
Rowley456 · 18/03/2026 14:06

I would refuse to engage with her/anyone of that ilk at all. Go to the gatherings if you want to but 'grey rock' her and more or less act like she doesn't exist.

nutbrownhare15 · 18/03/2026 14:08

I think you can say 'did you mean to be so rude' every time she is

Catza · 18/03/2026 14:21

I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but I would be inclined to have a conversations with her first. If that fails, grey rock all the way. But if your relationship with the rest of the family is otherwise good, I'd not be skipping family gatherings.

WeepingAngelInTheTardis · 18/03/2026 14:28

I would call her out every time “susan did you mean to be so rude?” “Susan you know what happened and you know the truth why do you have a grudge over something that was nothing to do with me that was two decades ago, time to change your tune.”

drspouse · 18/03/2026 14:33

I think SIL is perfectly entitled to side with the ex based on how your now-DH treated the ex. However, the dispute is between the ex and your DH, not between the ex and you.

I also think you are mad to marry someone who cheated on his first wife, but that's your choice. She should be sympathetic to you for having such bad taste in men.

sonjadog · 18/03/2026 14:40

She obviously means to be so rude, what is the point in asking her that?

Yes, I would avoid her from now on.

HandbagsAndHighHeels · 18/03/2026 15:04

drspouse · 18/03/2026 14:33

I think SIL is perfectly entitled to side with the ex based on how your now-DH treated the ex. However, the dispute is between the ex and your DH, not between the ex and you.

I also think you are mad to marry someone who cheated on his first wife, but that's your choice. She should be sympathetic to you for having such bad taste in men.

It’s been 15 years!!! 😱

JoshLymanSwagger · 18/03/2026 15:43

I wouldn't avoid her.

I'd go - if only to support my husband.

I'd also rather loudly correct every underhand comment and snide remark and remind her that her Brother had separated from his ex before your relationship began.

Every time she starts up say "Will you just give it a rest now. It's been 15 years and you still can't count."

If you avoid her, then she's won.

Baroloandbluecheese · 18/03/2026 16:20

As other posters have said, if you have a good relationship with the other members of the family, don’t stop going to family gatherings but rather loudly point out when she is wrong, being rude or hurtful. She clearly does it because she has gotten away with it for so long.

time to stand up for yourself Op 💐

Boomer55 · 18/03/2026 16:33

I don’t know why adults choose to involve themselves in other people’s relationships. 🙄

It can only be boredom with their own lives.

If you go, just ignore her completely.

jeaux90 · 18/03/2026 16:56

Honestly I would write a very well rehearsed version of what you want to say and deliver it very calmly next time she starts. Any come back and say “as I said xyz” on repeat.

Ragamuffin8 · 18/03/2026 17:02

What does your DH say when she makes such a comment? It’s his family, he should be defending you to them.

Tigger18 · 18/03/2026 17:04

I'd have gone no contact a long time ago!

wizzywig · 18/03/2026 17:04

What is your husband's part in all this? Is he keeping quiet? Is he calling her out?

Rizzz · 18/03/2026 17:09

The worst part is not the random strangers but the destruction of any kind of relationship between my husband and his children. His ex has successfully destroyed that for him.

Sorry but this is absolute bollocks.

I expect he did that himself when he climbed into bed with another woman??!!

As for the way they treat you, it's not fair but yes, avoid family gatherings if this is how it is.

I'm surprised you don't already.

Nearly50omg · 18/03/2026 17:29

Your problem is your husband and him not standing up for you each and every time someone brings it up and pins things on you as he should be pointing it out VERY clearly that you weren’t the one he had an affair with! Even if that involves a public post on social media! If he’s not prepared to do that then walk away

Catcatcatcatcat · 18/03/2026 17:34

I would have been avoiding her for years. DH doesn’t have to see her either!

RaspberryRipple3 · 18/03/2026 17:36

Is your dh supporting you and calling out this nonsense every time it happens?

Merseymum1980 · 18/03/2026 17:41

Why hasnt your husband dealt with sil in 15 years

SquallyShowersLater · 18/03/2026 17:47

Well clearly, if everything you've said is true and there's nothing else we should know, then she is a completely unreasonable bitch, so of course you should have absolutely nothing to do with her. And you need to tell your husband to take her in hand as well. Meddling, lying cow. If she has an issue with anyone it should be him, not you. I can't believe either of you have tolerated this for 15 years.

WilfredsPies · 18/03/2026 17:50

I agree with the above posters; why isn’t your DH defending you and telling SiL to pack it in because you had nothing to do with the breakdown of his marriage? Why isn’t he letting you deal with it on your own, rather than telling his family that he’s not prepared to let you be bullied like that, so if you’re not welcome, then he isn’t coming? And none of them are welcome in your home unless they tell SiL that they don’t support what she’s doing?

And I wonder whether his children have cut contact with him because they think you’re somehow involved, or because their father turned their lives upside down and didn’t even stay with the other woman? All that pain and drama for nothing, as far as they’re concerned.

WelshRabBite · 18/03/2026 18:16

It’s your DH’s fault he’s let this go on so long.

He cheated on his wife with another woman and is letting YOU, a completely non-related party take the blame.

He should have shut this down a long time ago. A few comments like “sister, it was Janice I cheated on my wife with, not OP, she has got nothing to do with the failure of my marriage or the breakdown of my relationship with my kids. If you’re snippy or angry with anyone, please direct that where it belongs, to me, and leave the innocent parties like OP out of it.”

If he’d said that on repeat for the last 15 years then your SIL would have been bored of trying to get a rise out of you by now.

He caused the problems and he should be your human shield in all of this; he’s a failure of a husband in many ways.

YerMotherWasAHamster · 18/03/2026 18:21

Your husband needs to tell her to pack it in.

If he won't then you should tell her to wind her neck in.

Can you and your husband move away? Sounds like a fresh start would be very helpful

Everybodys · 18/03/2026 18:24

If you're going, I wouldn't ask if she means to be so rude. She does. If you're going to address it around other people with all the potential downsides of that, make it worth doing. Either go on the offensive or don't.

But has DH never told her to wind her neck in?

CheeseAndBiscuitsAndCakes · 18/03/2026 18:27

SIL needs a hobby