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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to avoid family gatherings due to sister-in-law's ongoing hostility?

46 replies

Petuniapetal · 18/03/2026 14:03

I started dating my husband 15 years ago when he was already separated from his first wife.

He hadn’t initiated divorce proceedings by that point but he was living in a different property and their marriage was well and truly over.

He had an affair with another woman prior to his separation and despite all parties knowing that I had nothing to do with him romantically or otherwise prior to him leaving his wife, I have over the last decade and a half been blamed for the break-up of his marriage. I have been subjected to harassment, I’ve had my reputation destroyed by the barrage of lies his wife has told, she’s emailed employers and colleagues with her stories. I’ve been accused of bullying her children. It’s been vile and despicable but I’ve continued to keep my head down and wait for people to get bored and move on. We live in a rural area so I guess there is little else to occupy people than idle gossip and salacious rumours. 15 years on and I’m still being subjected to bitchy jibes . The worst part is not the random strangers but the destruction of any kind of relationship between my husband and his children. His ex has successfully destroyed that for him. What is painful for me is that through all of this my sister-in-law chose to side with his ex years ago and still punishes me today. I hate seeing her. I hate her constant underhand comments and snide remarks. For some reason she has chosen to perpetuate the lies and gossip despite knowing the actual truth.
should I just refuse to partake in all family get togethers in order to avoid the constant barrage of nastiness that comes my way? Do I keep ignoring it or confront her? I am so desperate to move on with life but I feel as if I am trapped in a vicious cycle by these petty, catty women.

OP posts:
MeatyMagda · 18/03/2026 18:29

Ragamuffin8 · 18/03/2026 17:02

What does your DH say when she makes such a comment? It’s his family, he should be defending you to them.

Yes, and more than his, he’s the one who had the affair and it’s OP who is being castigated! You weren’t the architect of his marriage breakdown, why is he allowing you to be punished for his crimes!

jeaux90 · 18/03/2026 18:51

Actually I might go legal on this. If someone was saying lies about me, I would probably get a solicitor to write a letter, then report to the police for malicious communications if they don’t stop. It sounds like it has gone that far.

Redragtoabull · 19/03/2026 22:09

If you have said nothing to her in 15 years, of course she's going to keep it up, it's what bullies do.
Go grab yourself a spine and loudly, for all to hear, stand up to her

SemiRetiredLoveGoddeess · 20/03/2026 01:05

This woman is obviously mentally unbalanced in some way and incredibly bitter and destructive.. I know this may sound a bit over the top.

But have you thought of ever seeing a Solicitor about bringing a libel or slender case against her.

She really seems to want to destroy your character and will stop at nothing.
Put me in mind of the deranged women character in the film "Play Misty for Me"

Don't let her. Give her a wide berth.
But don't let her win

Lobelia123 · 20/03/2026 07:00

I think youre mad to have suffered in silence for so long and allowing the sins of th epast to be attirbuted to you. Personally i would start an anti fake news campaign setting the story to rights and see how SIL likes it. Treat it like a PR campaign and get your story out there,. Thats if you can be bothered with this lot, they all sound pretty toxic and like the kind that just loves a good feud.

Lobelia123 · 20/03/2026 07:06

Baroloandbluecheese · 18/03/2026 16:20

As other posters have said, if you have a good relationship with the other members of the family, don’t stop going to family gatherings but rather loudly point out when she is wrong, being rude or hurtful. She clearly does it because she has gotten away with it for so long.

time to stand up for yourself Op 💐

Exactly. The more people hear something said and the longer it goes unchallenged, the more it starts to take on the appearance of truth. I would say 15 years has probably sealed the deal on this one.

SalmonOnFinnCrisp · 20/03/2026 07:11

drspouse · 18/03/2026 14:33

I think SIL is perfectly entitled to side with the ex based on how your now-DH treated the ex. However, the dispute is between the ex and your DH, not between the ex and you.

I also think you are mad to marry someone who cheated on his first wife, but that's your choice. She should be sympathetic to you for having such bad taste in men.

Yep.

Where is your partner in all this?

twentyeightfishinthepond · 20/03/2026 07:14

I see the OP is nowhere to be seen.

Morepositivemum · 20/03/2026 07:18

Has he said to them ‘she’s not the ow?’ Agree this is his mess to sort out. It sounds like hell. I don’t agree with grey rock- everyone will just say ‘oh and she’s not even talking to us’ and you still have to live there. I’d have a talk with the whole family there, a not very dramatic’just wondering why life has been made like this for me’ talk

Wish44 · 20/03/2026 07:33

Hmmmmmm, there must be more to this? It doesn’t really make sense….

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 20/03/2026 07:49

Petuniapetal · 18/03/2026 14:03

I started dating my husband 15 years ago when he was already separated from his first wife.

He hadn’t initiated divorce proceedings by that point but he was living in a different property and their marriage was well and truly over.

He had an affair with another woman prior to his separation and despite all parties knowing that I had nothing to do with him romantically or otherwise prior to him leaving his wife, I have over the last decade and a half been blamed for the break-up of his marriage. I have been subjected to harassment, I’ve had my reputation destroyed by the barrage of lies his wife has told, she’s emailed employers and colleagues with her stories. I’ve been accused of bullying her children. It’s been vile and despicable but I’ve continued to keep my head down and wait for people to get bored and move on. We live in a rural area so I guess there is little else to occupy people than idle gossip and salacious rumours. 15 years on and I’m still being subjected to bitchy jibes . The worst part is not the random strangers but the destruction of any kind of relationship between my husband and his children. His ex has successfully destroyed that for him. What is painful for me is that through all of this my sister-in-law chose to side with his ex years ago and still punishes me today. I hate seeing her. I hate her constant underhand comments and snide remarks. For some reason she has chosen to perpetuate the lies and gossip despite knowing the actual truth.
should I just refuse to partake in all family get togethers in order to avoid the constant barrage of nastiness that comes my way? Do I keep ignoring it or confront her? I am so desperate to move on with life but I feel as if I am trapped in a vicious cycle by these petty, catty women.

Your husband and his multiple affairs destroyed his relationships with his kids, not his ex-wife. If he'd put his kids first before, instead of sleeping around, he'd have a good relationship with his kids. His sister just sees him for what he is. I doubt he's any different in your marriage than he was in his first.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 20/03/2026 07:51

jeaux90 · 18/03/2026 18:51

Actually I might go legal on this. If someone was saying lies about me, I would probably get a solicitor to write a letter, then report to the police for malicious communications if they don’t stop. It sounds like it has gone that far.

Its not a lie though. He hadn't even filed for divorce when they started dating. In the eyes of the law, its true.

Shamsie24 · 20/03/2026 14:47

Your DH sounds like he's being a wimp here - this is not your fight and never should have been. Every catty aside, side-eye and muttered gubbins should be directed towards your DH - it's nothing to do with you. If you want to attend the family gatherings just direct her - in a very loud voice - speak to him about it, not me. Your DH is ducking the flak and letting it all land on you. Not your battle - pick your own hill to die on, and not the one that's nothing to do with you.

Yardbrushes · 20/03/2026 15:23

Honestly OP, no man is worth 15 years of strife.
Why haven't you involved the police for the clear harassment.
It's really not normal to tolerate this.
You deserve so much better.

outerspacepotato · 20/03/2026 15:29

You chose to involve yourself with a man who was in a high conflict split that split his own family. Your husband hasn't shut this down in 15 years.

He's the problem and you've put up with harassment that he seems to have not addressed.

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/03/2026 18:35

drspouse · 18/03/2026 14:33

I think SIL is perfectly entitled to side with the ex based on how your now-DH treated the ex. However, the dispute is between the ex and your DH, not between the ex and you.

I also think you are mad to marry someone who cheated on his first wife, but that's your choice. She should be sympathetic to you for having such bad taste in men.

So you don’t think that people change ? It’s been fifteen years.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 20/03/2026 23:31

DotAndCarryOne2 · 20/03/2026 18:35

So you don’t think that people change ? It’s been fifteen years.

Cheaters don't change. They just get sneakier.

jeaux90 · 21/03/2026 08:19

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 20/03/2026 07:51

Its not a lie though. He hadn't even filed for divorce when they started dating. In the eyes of the law, its true.

The OP was not the OW, they had already separated.

SquallyShowersLater · 22/03/2026 16:23

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 20/03/2026 23:31

Cheaters don't change. They just get sneakier.

You have absolutely zero evidence for this. It's a ridiculous and baseless trope. Even if it's your experience of one cheater, you have no idea how other people behave for the rest of their lives after cheating. I cheated, in 1988 and 1989. I've managed to be married to someone for 30 odd years since then and not cheated once, nor wanted to.

TheCheekyCyanHelper · 23/03/2026 18:27

jeaux90 · 21/03/2026 08:19

The OP was not the OW, they had already separated.

Husband and wife were still living together, and hadn't filed for separation.

Gossipisgood · 24/03/2026 12:58

Call her out on her lies each & every time she says something that's not true, correct her. Remind her of the dates you & your DH got together to prove there was time between him & his wife splitting to you two getting together. Remind her there was someone else before you too. Ask her in front of others what her problem is with you. Let others see you stick up for yourself & let them know the truth as they may have only ever heard the Exs & SIL version of events.

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