Feel like leaving - rational thought or AIBU

[TiredUpsetLonely]

I am really upset at the moment. I am just sick of men. Sick of the men in my family thinking I am their defacto wife (widowed/ divorced dad and brothers) and sick of my DH and teen sons.

Well, I love my teen sons, and they are my world, but it is all getting a bit much for me.

I am their unpaid and unappreciated cook, cleaner, laundry person, counsellor and PA. I can't do right for doing wrong. They are endless eating machines who complain there is no food, or it is not the right type of food (to fuel gym sessions every night). My DH, and my DS's get on very well and I find myself upstairs a lot just watching TV on my own whilst they watch sport. When I am not doing this I will have some other male member of the family on the phone to me telling me their problems and moaning at me about the world/ GB news/ Migrants etc. etc. I feel like I am no longer needed around unless there is something to cook and clean up.

I'm exhausted with it all, and working FT.

Last night I cried and cried and cried myself to sleep. This morning I tried to be brighter but the tears just rolled down my cheeks. I was upset because I just feel so lonely. I have no mum to talk to, and no sisters. I have a few friends but they have their own issues to deal with so I don't want to bother them.

I felt so low last night that I just thought to myself that after my youngest goes to Uni I'd just rather go be with my departed mum and other female relatives than feel so low and lonely.

Mother's day came and went with no card, or anything and it is my wedding anniversary on Friday and I know my DH just can't be arsed and won't get me a card.

A few thoughts have passed my mind over the last few days about leaving and being on my own. But then a part of me thinks this would be a mistake, and I would regret it, and there would be no coming back from it. Also, I've seen my lovely, beautiful single friends just be so battered by arsehole men on internet dating sites that I think the grass is not greener on the other side.

I need a break from men. They just don't understand what it is like to constantly be bombarded by 6 teen/ adult men all the time with no respite and I am so tired I no longer care what happens to me.

I also think that I am not going to remind my DH about our anniversary and if he doesn't remember then I'll just move into another room. However, I feel this is a bit passive aggressive. TBH I don't think my DH would be bothered if I was no longer around. Whenever I voice that I am upset about something, apparently I "take it out on everyone in the house, and lower the mood". However, they are the ones wearing me out in the first place.

I am sorry that you feel so low. I think you need to talk to all of them together and explain how you feel lonely and unappreciated. Say that things have to change and that they need to start doing more around the house, and buying and cooking their own food. They also need to clean up afterwards.

If nothing changes, then you need to make some serious decisions

It sounds like you’ve allowed DH to let you do it all and your sons have watched this happen and followed suit? You need to stick up for yourself. I agree with chatting to them.

stop doing it all!

Stop doing it. No cooking. No cleaning. Screen your calls.
See your GP.

I'm so sorry you feel like this. You sound so low, and I get it. I'm a wife with all sons. I don't doubt I'd feel like you if they were like them.

Honestly I think after your anniversary, just sit husband down and tell him you want a divorce, that you've felt alone and dismissed in every area of your relationship and you don't want that anymore. He's your husband, he shouldn't have to be told that you're not his slave.

Your sons I would honestly be giving a big telling off to. Presumably as they're teens they're old enough to be told that if you're in charge of food, then they either eat what they're given or they can be in charge. That as they live under your roof, they need to behave like they're part of a family, and not like you're just the unpaid house fairy that exists to do all the shit they can't be bothered to do. Stop doing everything for them. Be available to help, but they need to start being independent, as well as not such arseholes!

Take care of yourself. It's a lovely day here, if it is where you are, go for a walk somewhere you like and shift your mindset to you first.

Chin up. Stand your ground. Carve out time and space in the house for you. Delegate jobs and wash your hands of them. Speak to your family and give them a chance to get their act together. Be firm and clear with them, and kind to yourself.

I know exactly how you feel

I’m getting divorced

im removing my labour from benefitting their life.

A few thoughts have passed my mind over the last few days about leaving and being on my own. But then a part of me thinks this would be a mistake, and I would regret it, and there would be no coming back from it. Also, I've seen my lovely, beautiful single friends just be so battered by arsehole men on internet dating sites that I think the grass is not greener on the other side.
I need a break from men. They just don't understand what it is like to constantly be bombarded by 6 teen/ adult men all the time with no respite and I am so tired I no longer care what happens to me.

There is a 3rd way. Leave and be alone. It is wonderful! I spent all of my adult life (from the age of 16 to 55) in relationships. I chose at 55 to be single.

I have peace.

Let them get on with it. Tell your sons you love them and understand they will want to live with their dad, but that they'll be welcome at yours anytime they want. And go and get yourself some life for yourself.

Both of my teens moaned that I didn't buy the correct food so I gave them a weekly food allowance and they had to buy what they wanted and also cook it. They soon realised how much food cost and how much time and effort it took to cook it. I never backed down. They still buy and cook their own meals, only difference is, is that they now pay for it!

Leaving isn’t the silver bullet as you see from your friends. Perhaps some home truths to try to train your kids and hubby. If you’re all adults or close enough then there’s no reason you shouldn’t be taking it in turns to cook. And even taking it in turns to meal plan, especially if they’re complaining about the food.

for tv it’s tricky as interests diverge. think you need to have certain family nights for a board game or even computer game like Mario racing or similar. Or find a series you can all watch together once a week. It’s not too much to ask and they should respect that.

Tell them how disappointed you are in them. And then stop doing it all. Do your own laundry. Cook for yourself. Move into the spare room and keep that clean and tidy. Find hobbies and interests that take you out of the house. Stop centering them and start centering yourself. After all that's what they are already doing.

OP you have to stop. Stop doing anything at all for any of them and put yourself first from now on and if that means leaving and starting a new man free life then so be it.

Firstly, please see your GP. Make an appointment and tell them how you're feeling.

Secondly, get out of the house. Stop doing it all, and making yourself available. They won't set on fire if their dinner isn't made, and they know where the washing machine is. If they don't, then they should. Stop answering the phone, you're not a listening service. That's what trained counselors are paid for.

Find some groups you'd like to be involved with, book some tickets to things you fancy and fill your diary up. If your DC are old enough to be going to the gym, they're old enough to make themselves an omelette.

You weren't put on this earth to labour for men, but you will have to opt out purposefully from now on.

Move into the spare room if that's what you want to do. Do it. Carve out some space for yourself, and start a life that you like, not one that you are barely able to tolerate.

Been there - huge sympathy. I'd suggest not 'chatting' but 'telling' them specific things you're no longer going to be doing single-handed (avoid it turning into a tearful generalised "moan": specifics!) And don't answer the phone to your father or brothers more than once a week: they'll wean themselves off you if you're simply never available. Change the blue ticks on WhatsApp so noone knows if you've read your messages. And don't come straight home from work on two nights a week, therefore no cooking or shopping those days (the pictures on your own is absolutely great if you're too tired for swimming, keep fit etc. Join the WI or a similar club. Use late night opening at your local library. Don't go home first btw, or you'll never get back out!) Good luck. And the time has come to show your boys how to use the washing machine: programmes plus how to understand laundry labels - it's a life skill and it's now in their hands. At the weekends, take yourself to e.g. the garden centre: fresh air and no demands will hopefully help lift the misery.

Even the work of "training" the men falls to the woman?

I'm so sorry you're feeling really low, you sound awfully sad. I wish I could take you out for a nice coffee and walk.

In your shoes I would sit down with my DH and tell him how unhappy I am, to the point I've recently considered divorcing him, because you feel invisible and you feel he doesn't care. He doesn't get to tell you it's all your fault you are unhappy, FFS. I would give him a final chance to change things and start to help you, he needs to whip your sons into shape and start taking on way more of the life admin. Tell him if nothing has changed in 3 months or by whenever then you WILL be moving out.

And as of today stop answering the phone to these whining relatives.

Call your friends, OP. People always have "their own stuff" going on but this doesn't mean they are not making time for their friends. Trust me, I had to rely heavily on mine over the past year. Some of them hosted me when they were themselves weeks away from homelessness, some of them cried with me over a bottle of wine, some went away with me because we all needed to get away from our issues. That's friendship. Lean on your people!

Then I totally support telling everyone in the house that they are bloody old enough to buy and cook their own food and wash their own socks. And stop doing it.

Find some hobbies. Preferably social ones so you have lighter social connections in a week. Something like a functional fitness gym or a dance class.

Being single... I can't complain. Yes, maybe there are horrible people on the apps but having been in your situation, I can spot them from a mile off. I have had very positive experiences. Some lasted, some didn't. None have treated me as a domestic appliance with a sex button.

Speak to them all!! Give them a chance to redeem themselves. If not, it's every man for themselves. Start withdrawing your labour, just little things at first then continue on to the bigger maidy chores.
Most importantly, you NEED to make time for yourself. Can you afford a couple of nights away yourself?
Maybe think about a female only club in your area. It could be a gamechanger for you.
Good luck op, sending hugs

One of the things I am really sad about is that I have always thought that my DH thinks he is too good for me. Note that I don't think he is too good for me, but I think that he thinks he is.

I used to be a really strong woman who took no nonsense off anyone. However a couple of things that happened in my marriage turned me into someone who didn't rock the boat, as I wanted to keep my family together for the sake of my DC. I turned into someone who did everything so everyone was happy, took poisoned arrows off in-laws to keep the peace, be the perfect wife etc. but I don't think it has gained me any respect.

On one level I wish my Dh had left me (as he threatened to do a few times) and put me out of my misery rather than have me live on tenterhooks for past 20 years.

I'm just so tired and have no fight left in me.

One of my friends takes absolutely no nonsense off her husband. In fact, I'd say he was scared of her. He isn't even allowed to go out for a drink after work (no kids at home now). She gets total respect from him.

I can relate
I live with 3 adult sons and a DH .
One of the sons does his own cooking and washing
But a lot of the time none of them lift a finger .
Two of them are never going to marry or have DC ,so it's not like I've not raised them well or anything,I really did try to get them to be independent and do their fair share of tasks in the home .
Anyway op ,no advice as I'm in a similar boat ,but lots of sympathy xxxx

Ah yes ,that is definitely the same as me
We should start a club

A club?

How about we find a remote island somewhere that no one knows about and just start a women's commune?

I saw a video on youtube recently where she explained it like this - imagine you go into the garage and get a tape measure out of the draw - the draw is organised and everything has it's place. When you've finished with it, you take it back into the garage and put it on the shelf. It doesn't matter to you where it gets left. This is how they are treating you - with all of the work that you do because it doesn't matter to them. They don't consider the house and your domestic lives important enough to do together. You are a family, it's you against the world. Or at least it should be.

Being blunt will be the only way. Family meeting. You know how the house runs. The house is now everyones responsibility - this is your line in the sand.

Blimey OP, this is rough.
You say you 'got like this' which is a good sign because you can get back again to who you used to be/really are. It's not the real you who has changed, but you've accommodated to circumstances in a way which is convenient for others and a disaster for your peace of mind.
Please don't despair. Get a few sessions of counselling and work out how to turn things round. You can do it.

Stop doing everything for everyone else. Simple.

Agree with pp.

Go see your GP as you are depressed and probably need short term help from anti depressants or similar.

Stop doing so much around the house for those who don't appreciate it. No washing or cooking. Eat food you like and they can get their own, or dad can cook.

If you have a spare room then create a space just for you. A clean and tidy bed, nice linen, tv etc can help recharge you. You can always visit your other bed 😉

Stop answering the phone, or time yourself and give twenty minutes then say you have to go, then hang up.

Only give of yourself what you can afford to give away happily, after that you will end up frustrated, angry and resentful, but it's you who is in charge of the boundary line so be in charge!

I left but I had zero intention of dating. My house is clean, tidy, peaceful, smells nice and the amount of free time I have because I'm no longer running around after X is the equivalent of one whole day every fucking week. That was mind blowing.