Feel like leaving - rational thought or AIBU

[TiredUpsetLonely]

I am really upset at the moment. I am just sick of men. Sick of the men in my family thinking I am their defacto wife (widowed/ divorced dad and brothers) and sick of my DH and teen sons.

Well, I love my teen sons, and they are my world, but it is all getting a bit much for me.

I am their unpaid and unappreciated cook, cleaner, laundry person, counsellor and PA. I can't do right for doing wrong. They are endless eating machines who complain there is no food, or it is not the right type of food (to fuel gym sessions every night). My DH, and my DS's get on very well and I find myself upstairs a lot just watching TV on my own whilst they watch sport. When I am not doing this I will have some other male member of the family on the phone to me telling me their problems and moaning at me about the world/ GB news/ Migrants etc. etc. I feel like I am no longer needed around unless there is something to cook and clean up.

I'm exhausted with it all, and working FT.

Last night I cried and cried and cried myself to sleep. This morning I tried to be brighter but the tears just rolled down my cheeks. I was upset because I just feel so lonely. I have no mum to talk to, and no sisters. I have a few friends but they have their own issues to deal with so I don't want to bother them.

I felt so low last night that I just thought to myself that after my youngest goes to Uni I'd just rather go be with my departed mum and other female relatives than feel so low and lonely.

Mother's day came and went with no card, or anything and it is my wedding anniversary on Friday and I know my DH just can't be arsed and won't get me a card.

A few thoughts have passed my mind over the last few days about leaving and being on my own. But then a part of me thinks this would be a mistake, and I would regret it, and there would be no coming back from it. Also, I've seen my lovely, beautiful single friends just be so battered by arsehole men on internet dating sites that I think the grass is not greener on the other side.

I need a break from men. They just don't understand what it is like to constantly be bombarded by 6 teen/ adult men all the time with no respite and I am so tired I no longer care what happens to me.

I also think that I am not going to remind my DH about our anniversary and if he doesn't remember then I'll just move into another room. However, I feel this is a bit passive aggressive. TBH I don't think my DH would be bothered if I was no longer around. Whenever I voice that I am upset about something, apparently I "take it out on everyone in the house, and lower the mood". However, they are the ones wearing me out in the first place.

Any chance you could go away for a few days with a friend and leave them to fend for themselves.

I could do a Shirley Valentine

Sympathies, from another mum in an otherwise all male household. Mine are teenagers and I have really started cultivating friendships and finding things to do out of the house. Partly because I want to, partly because I know I can't rely on men to meet my emotional needs and partly because they start to see as more of a person than an appliance.

I do still do most of the cooking and cleaning, but I really try and get them to be more grateful for it. If they moan about the food, or availability of food I remind them they are welcome to make something or go to the shops.

You need to start to value yourself before they will value you.

It could be seen as a parenting failure to expect so little of your sons and have them walk all over you, as they’ll become lazy partners and useless husbands themselves. When I became vegetarian my mother said that’s fine but you’re cooking for yourself when we’re eating meat. Fine - pushed me to improve my cooking skills and towards independence. If your sons require a high protein diet they should buy and cook for themselves. Stop being a maid and skivvy for everyone. Introduce a rota and do less for others.

It sounds like they have worn you down. Your DH is ungrateful and disrespectful . Your sons are taking their cues from your DH. Tell them how you feel and that you are disappointed and hurt they could not acknowledge Mothers Day given everything you do for them, and you expected more. If they are getting to an age where they can prepare some of their own food then encourage them to do that and to help around the house. Please do not think that doing away with yourself is the answer, you have a life to live, you are more than a mother and a wife, you just need to make a life for yourself whether that is inside or outside the marriage. What are you interested in? Get some hobbies, join a meet up group, a walking group, a coffee morning or whatever. Could you go away for a few days on your own and have some space and time to think. Start doing one thing a week for yourself and take it from there and set some boundaries at home. See your GP. If things don’t change then consider whether you should leave.

You don’t have to find another man
if you leave your husband! Just be single and happy, withdraw all labour and let them get on with it.

One of the things I am really sad about is that I have always thought that my DH thinks he is too good for me. Note that I don't think he is too good for me, but I think that he thinks he is.
I used to be a really strong woman who took no nonsense off anyone. However a couple of things that happened in my marriage turned me into someone who didn't rock the boat, as I wanted to keep my family together for the sake of my DC. I turned into someone who did everything so everyone was happy, took poisoned arrows off in-laws to keep the peace, be the perfect wife etc. but I don't think it has gained me any respect.
On one level I wish my Dh had left me (as he threatened to do a few times) and put me out of my misery rather than have me live on tenterhooks for past 20 years.

Sounds like narcissistic abuse. He thinks he’s too good for you, threatens to leave to keep you on your toes and gradually wears you down. There’s some good videos on YT about being married to a Narc and how to deal with it (apart from leaving of course) but it may help to take a look and give you some strategies.

My MIL is an awful narcissist, and whilst I don’t think he's her, he does have a couple of her traits.

When he’s been pulled up on stuff in the past he has said “this isn’t working for me, I think I want out”, which was hard to deal with when my DC were small and I felt very vulnerable. It wasn’t a hard line of an affair or physical abuse. Thinking about it, this is when I learnt how to keep my mouth shut, suck it up buttercup, and don’t rock the boat.

Now I’m just tired.

There's a reason that the rates of women divorcing men rockets in mid life. The estrogen leaves the building and the rose tinted glasses fall, and we no longer have the tolerance or necessity to stay. It's not a choice between current husband or future one. You can choose your peace and opt for neither.

It's astonishing how much better you can feel once the pesky oestrogen goes 😂You stop feeling emotionally compelled to take care of everything and everyone. It's eye-opening when you realise that's how men feel their whole lives: basically not much bothered about anything that isn't about them. The nice ones must have to remind themselves to put other people first sometimes. The rest of them are simply stuck in selfishness (but sometimes try harder if the possible repercussions are spelt out very clearly). As for mothers' day cards, it's a lost cause (thinking back to all the years when I bought, wrote and posted two cards - one mother, one MIL. You won't get one until a DS marries a really thoughtful people-pleaser 😉)

If you like dogs OP I can thoroughly recommend getting one. My husband now knows the dog is my priority.

book yourself a trip away
Let them stew in their own juice
Make is clear that if you come back to mess you will not clean it
If you come back to laundry you will not do it
Tell your other male relatives that you are going somewhere with no phone signal and do not answer their calls.
Do this on repeat until they get the message

( you could stay with a friend if this is too expensive)

Tell him this isn’t working for you and you want out.

Down tools. Single life is bloody fantastic.

Oh girl, all sympathy.
There's so much good advice on this thread, I'm just going to say do something that makes your life easier every day/week (after booking an appointment with the GP). Thoughts:
Tell them you thought the absence of any thought on Mother's Day was miserable. Don't engage with birthdays.
Make a clear set of instructions for the washing machine/dishwasher. Stick on the front and stop doing laundry and dishes.
Make yourself a comfortable quiet space in the spare room, with your own TV and books you love.
Make sure you have your own money tucked away so these arseholes can't bleed you dry.
Give them a food budget and stop shopping.
Get some legal advice.
All support.

Oh no that doesn’t sound good and some changes desperately need making so you feel in control of your life. It’s very easy for everyone to get stuck in rut, rightly or wrongly. Join a gym , go out with friends, go out by yourself, find a hobby just don’t let them walk all over you and do something for you. Xx

I was you. I am so much happier now I have divorced. Financially it wasn’t that much of a hit. I am so much happier now I have time for myself, friends and hobbies. I even read books now!

i have dabbled in apps and dating but to be honest I’m genuinely not bothered. My life is so full of joy that it would take someone very special for me to open it up to them again, and even then I’m not sure I’d want to.

you need a break away. Have you considered some of the women only travel groups?

everyone in your household seems old enough to be able to cope with you going on holiday, start looking today and making plans.

@TiredUpsetLonely I appreciate you are feeling low right now, but you need to accept that you are totally in control of this situation.

Firstly, stop cooking for them. Make yourself something nice, just one portion. They can get their own food. If they complain, then tell them that as they're constantly moaning about the food, they are now responsible for planning and cooking their own meals, and you will buy the ingredients for them if they tell you in advance.

And you don't need to sit on your own all evening. Go out and do something fun. I do kick boxing! Life is what you want to make of it. Stop sitting on your own feeling sorry for yourself and get out there and DO something. Snap out of this self pity.

And as for the other male members, just don't answer the phone. Or if they start to moan, just say "sorry, can't talk now, I'm off out" then go out and DO something.

Them forgetting mother's day was really pathetic, so it's about time you stood your ground and let them see how much you actually do by just stopping. If they ask why, just say as they couldn't even be bothered with a mother's day card, they clearly don't appreciate what you do for them so you can't be bothered any more.

OP you need to STOP DOING IT ALL!!!

I lived in a house of men, DH and 5 sons, all grown and flown now. I understand the endless meals and washing and food shopping, but you don't need to take it all on yourself.

Stop cooking for them all - they're all big and ugly enough to make their own food. Make yourself whatever you want.

Do one big online food shop a week. Write a list and delegate the ordering to DH. Any top ups needed during the week, send one of your boys to the shops.

Make a rota for cleaning up the kitchen and delegate to DH and sons.

Only wash clothes that are brought down and put in the laundry basket - anything not brought down doesn't get washed. Show them how to use the washing machine. Make them responsible for stripping and making their beds and hoovering. You are not their slave!

Agree a schedule for the TV - you get to choose at least a couple of nights a week. Sit with them and watch a match every now and again - it's good to take an interest in their hobbies too.

Be prepared to stand your ground and don't take any crap from them. Keep repeating to yourself that you are not their domestic slave!

Finally, I think you need to have some fun - get out in the evenings, join a gym or a yoga class or a ladies running group, or a choir, reading group, arts & crafts - anything that interests you. Or take a good book and sit in a coffee shop and have cake and coffee. You bloody deserve it!

The grass being greener doesn't mean another man. No man would be better. Oh no, who will fail to food shop and complain about the lack of food 😭🥱

You can just stop, so why don't you?

How dare they not get you anything for Mother’s Day?

and your husband not acknowledge your anniversary? Or even think he’s too good for you.

STOP being a skivy for them. Right now. Family is about helping each other and appreciating each other, if they can’t do that then down tools. No food shopping, no cooking, no washing. Take care of just yourself. You are not a domestic appliance. You are not their service robot. If they don’t respect and appreciate you, sod them.

And don’t doubt yourself.

There’s a lot to unpick in your OP.

sorry you’re feeling low. I have teen sons, they can be ungrateful but I don’t take any of their shit. I certainly wouldn’t be catering to gym needs. I cook the same dinners on the same nights and if they want to deviate they can purchase and cook themselves.

Firstly your dad and brothers is a huge red flag 🚩 , this needs to be your first focus. You can pull back there, you have more control than you think. One battle at a time but ultimately you don’t need to be a martyr either.

best of luck.

On top of all the excellent and necessary suggestions get to the Drs and try anti-depressants. They may help take the edge off whilst you grower stronger and stop accepting them treat yourself like shit.

💐

Sorry to be blunt, but they can all just fuck right off! How fucking dare they? The audacity of these spoilt, selfish, misogynistic, arseholes. Not even a cheap card on Mother’s Day?! Makes my blood boil. Utter bellends. Obviously, you love your sons - but they’ve learnt from the lived example that is their delight of a father.

I used to have a husband who decided he was better than me - that didn’t end well for him all. Life is so much lighter and easier after divorce. I don’t know what else to say, other than “Save yourself!” Nothing is going to change unless you change things, because the men are probably all happy using the free services of the Wifebot/Mumbot 2000. When you malfunction it’s simply an irritation and inconvenience, their domestic appliance isn’t working with expected efficiency, their needs are not being appropriately met! Horror!

Honestly, unless you want the rest of your life to look like this, get the hell out of there.

OP, you've had a lot of good advice here, but I would add one thing: don't be afraid of being single. It can be incredibly liberating to be single and do whatever the hell you want, taking no shit off anyone. And if you do that, your sons will either get the shock of a lifetime and shape up, or take after their dad and be no great loss.

I've been single for 8 years. I have a job, hobbies, friends, cats, a house. Life is great. I'm lucky in that my problem was just my late husband and that my DC are wonderful young people, but still.