Is DH unreasonable about social event?

[Borrowe]

DH and I met when we were in our mid 30s and by that time we both had separate groups of friends. Generally speaking we socialise separately, me with my friends and him with his, although there are some occasions when we crossover and husbands / partners also attend.

The last year or so of our marriage has been difficult, no one to blame necessarily. However, we’ve come through it and are slowly getting to a better place. During the issues, I’ve confided in some of my group of friends about the difficulties, and DH has become aware of that.

In a few weeks, one of my friends has suggested a couples night out, which I’m up for and DH has been in the past. However, he’s said he doesn’t want to go to this one. He’s not stopping me going, but he feels awkward about being around the friends I confided in, and feels they will definitely have told their husbands about our issues.

I’m not sure if he’s being unreasonable here. It’s come a little out of the blue, as things have been going quite well.

How did DH become aware of it?

Maybe he could skip this one and let it settle a bit and come to the next one, can’t be nice going and hanging out with a group of people you know have been told about private and not particularly flattering elements of your relationship.

On the other hand, people have to be able to confide in their friends when they’re down and he needs to try and overcome any reservations in the future to maintain a good relationship with you and with them going forward. Just give him a little time to feel confident enough in your relationship having come out of the other side of the rough patch that he doesn’t mind seeing those friends again.

How detailed were you in confiding in your friends and how did your husband find out?

I can see how he would find it uneasy, but I suppose it depends on what your difficulties were and whether your friends support you both.

Well I can see his point.

I think it depends if you told your friends he beats you, or is shit in bed or he hates all your friends I can see why he would feel uncomfortable. If you told them he's moody or shit with money then I think he needs to get over it.

He was at a social event a few months ago and saw me having a fairly intense conversation with a friend. I must have looked upset or something because he asked what was wrong and I told him she was aware we’d been having issues and she was just asking about that. He didn’t say anything when I told him.

I went into a decent amount of detail, but not every blow by blow issue. The issues are we’ve become disconnected and intimacy has reduced significantly.

DH had a group of very close friends, all with partners, who we socialise with. Even if I totally understood why DH had been talking about problems in our relationship to his friends, and wasn’t cross about it, I don’t think I’d love walking into a room with them, knowing they all knew details.

I can see his point.

I get it. I think he needs to get over it at some point, but maybe this event isn’t the one

I’ve confided in some of my group of friends about the difficulties, and DH has become aware of that

This sentence is doing a lot of heavy lifting! It depends what the difficulties were, how detailed you were to your friends (and how negatively you talked about your husband), how he found out (and whether he would have consented to you confiding in your friends).

It's telling that he also fears that they would have told their husbands, which implies to me it's a sensitive subject in terms of his masculinity - poor sexual performance or financial failure. In which case I'm not surprised at all that he doesn't want to socialise with them.

I don't really believe in discussing relationship problems in depth outside the relationship, and definitely not sexual ones, but the rule of thumb is that if you need to do it then you confide in your friends, not mutual friends. And I know you said they were your friends rather than his, but double dates is what you do when you want them to become mutual friends. Confiding in them about sensitive issues (for him) has precluded this.

I can see his point.

Confiding in one or two friends in a private setting fair enough.

Discussions about intimacy in your relationship with multiple friends, while drinking and public place would annoy me. You can be overheard and are less inhibiyed than when sober.

He's not being unreasonable. You've told them things about him, which are probably biased because they don't get his side of the story. I wouldn't want to socialize with people that are probably judging in some way either.

I wouldn't be happy at all to know that DP had discussed our sex life in a negative way with one of his friends and I definitely wouldn't be up for socialising with them.

From the other side of things, I find it really uncomfortable when friends talk about their sex lives with me if their partner is someone I socialise with regularly. I don't want to be sitting opposite my friend's husband in a restaurant and involuntarily thinking about his ED.

To be clear too, he’s not critical of my confiding in friends, he just feels awkward now I have.

I absolutely can see his point. It would make close socialising difficult. Suspecting your wife is moaning to her friends is one thing but seeing her in a very intense and obliviously detailed conversation is very different. I think going out with a big group of your friends might be possible in the future but not with these particular couple.
If you want to improve things with your DH - don’t insist. Just keep it as a personal friendship for yourself.

This is a very reasonable position.

Honestly, I wouldn't want to socialise with people my wife had been complaining about me to. Surely this is a natural consequence of your behaviour that could have easily been foreseen.

To be fair he has a point. I can’t say I’d be happy socialising in that scenario. Having said that there is nothing wrong in confiding in friends, just not mutual ones.

Then why are you asking if he’s BU?

I would feel the same as him to be fair. How was your story being portrayed? As in, were you complaining about him or worrying about the situation? Handled delicately or indelicately? Cause to be honest, I'm quite a private person and wouldn't want this sort of discussion.

I can see his point now you have explained the content of your issues. I would prioritise the improved situation in your marriage and not force this on this occasion. Let the dust settle
a while longer

*context

There’s confiding in friends and then there’s being disloyal. Which was it? I can understand his reluctance to spend time with friends you’ve been confiding in against him. If the tables were turned how would you feel?

I get his point. Confiding in friends in a private space such as someone’s home or over the phone is different to talking about your lack of intimacy whilst at a social event when your husband is across the room.

I think you are well within your rights to talk to friends that’s what they’re there for, but the way you’ve gone about it is all wrong and you should probably apologise.

I would be mortified if I knew DH was chatting about our sex life in a social event even if no one else overheard.

It sounds like you need to continue working on your marriage and I think it’s fine for DH to not attend this meet up

No, he's not being unreasonable.
Couples night out.
🙄
Any children?