Aghh adult DCs!

[Usuallyok]

To express an opinion about adult a children and their work ethic/ lifestyle choices or should you just butt out after they reach a certain age? “Telling them off” seems infantilising but I can see where they are going wrong…Part of me is relieved that they are grown and I want to not have responsibility for them. But do I?

if your adult dc ask for your opinion or advice then you can offer it, but only then imo

Will you let me know when you find out?

I had a serious discussion with DS at the weekend about their plans and current situation but I have skin in the game because we are partially funding their lifestyle and some of that needs to change. Yes, it really needs to change if they are going to be able to move on as they want.

Glad you specified exactly what you mean, it would have been really hard work to answer if it was vague 😆

I try to stay out of it. It’s not always easy. Depends what the situation is. Sometimes I think I’ve gone with too much opinion or advice and that’s not right either… sometimes adult kids have to learn their way/the hard way/the different way ….because how do they ever get any life experience? My eldest son is 30. He’s not as street wise as my younger adult children. Plus he lives at home with me still. I don’t really know what the other kids are doing, they don’t live with me. I’m more involved with my eldest because he’s still here, that’s natural. But there are times I want to tell him something/put him right/advise him and straight away I remind myself he’s 30, he’s got to crack on with it.

Generally speaking I would never offer advice to my adult DC
Even if they asked for it I would try not too
If I was supporting them in some way eg financially and I no longer wanted to because I disagreed with their choices , I would give them fair notice I would no longer be doing it

I suppose it depends if their choices affect you. ie you’re paying their rent etc. otherwise they can make their own mistakes

I'm not sure you can tell them what to do (I'm a step mum which adds another whole layer of complexity) but sounding out ideas, plans etc and letting them talk it through seems reasonable.

Why can you see they are going wrong? Does “wrong” actually mean wrong in this scenario, or just something you wouldn’t choose / do?

Its so hard until you have kids who are aged 16- 22 ish its actually unbelievable how stupid they can be

I’d leave them to it. We’ve never interfered in our adult children’s lives. They know we’re here if they need us and if they want advice they’ll ask for it which they have done on occasions.

Does it impact you (e.g. you are financing it, or they are running a business from your house)? If yes, then you can talk to them about the impact it has on you

If you just would have done things differently in their place, then none of your business.

It depends @Usuallyok

Are they still living at home and expecting you to financially support them?

Nope. You give advice if they ask for it. Times are different now too. What you see as a good career will probably be obsolete in ten years. Concentrate on them being happy individuals. The rest will follow

If they don't live with you and you're not subsidising them, no. Your version of "going wrong" might not be the same as theirs; some people are more ambitious than others, some care more about money and material things. They'll work out, if they haven't already, that if they want fancier lifestyles they'll have to work for them. But they might not want to.

Do you know what they want in life? Have you asked? Or are you making assumptions?

As above I think if they are living at home/being funded by you at uni or otherwise then you're entitled to have your opinion taken into account. Obviously you can't make them do or not do anything but you may have financial leverage.

If they're earning and living independently you can offer an opinion if asked, otherwise probably best to try to keep quiet, though it may be hard if they are making bad choices.

I have a friend whose AC spent their 20s & 30s proclaiming their freedom. Actually proclaiming it on social media and boasting about their free lifestyle. All supported by the bank of mum and dad of course.

Now AC has decided at 40 to start a family without the financial wherewithall, and even more importantly, with a bank of debt behind them and a totally shot credit reference. Meaning parents have to Guarantor their rental property, buy their vehicle, pay for car insurance, provide regular cash handouts etc etc.

10 years ago, when we were mutually bemoaning our respective AC decision making, my friend pushed back on my suggestion that they require AC to be self funding, to stop mopping up behind them and to expect them to work full-time.

I think it's one thing, if your AC is financially independent to butt out, let them make their own decisions and mistakes. But if at 30 / 40 etc they're still dependent on your wallet, it's irresponsible NOT to advise them. Even if they ignore you.

Thanks. My natural inclination is not to stick my oar in unless asked, but god it’s difficult! I have been vague, yes, but I’m talking about things such as bad financial decisions, not applying themselves as they should (or I think they should) at work, generally acting like teenagers 🤷‍♀️

What's a bad financial decision?
My mother considered pretty much every financial decision I make to be a bad financial decision. The thing is... my mum is not some financial magnate and is very risk averse to boot. She's never had a credit card or a loan of any kind and she thinks investment is something boys on Wall Street do. So I always took her advice with a pinch of salt. And I am really doing OK in life.

Sometime over the last 10 years she stopped giving me advice and instead is asking me questions trying to understand my reasoning. It's a great improvement in our relationship.

But why is any of this your business? Again, unless you’re paying their rent, etc?

This. My parents often think I’ve made bad financial decisions, but the economy and work environment is much different to what they knew. I’m sure they despair at some of my choices but I’m not in a position to buy a house like they were (3x salary then, now more like 10-12x!) and they don’t understand how professional life works (no you can’t just walk into an office with a CV print out anymore!)

I think it’s OK to offer advice if they are burning out from overwork and you can see it’s affecting their mental health. Otherwise, if they aren’t asking you for money or running a business from your home, let them make their own choices.

@DownsideUpside oldest DD lives and works from home, rent free. As far as I can see, not working to maximum (or any) capacity. Youngest actually rented a flat at much expense (against my advice), and is now at home most of the time and still paying rent on the flat. Go figure 🤷‍♀️

I don’t mind the rent free thing at all btw. I just resent the waste of money.

Goodness. Yes yes yes to this.

If they are actually working but just not as hard as you think they should be then no, I wouldn’t say anything.

If they’re not working but living rent free then yes I would say something.