Aghh adult DCs!

[Usuallyok]

To express an opinion about adult a children and their work ethic/ lifestyle choices or should you just butt out after they reach a certain age? “Telling them off” seems infantilising but I can see where they are going wrong…Part of me is relieved that they are grown and I want to not have responsibility for them. But do I?

I always say ‘I’ve got a different opinion, do you want it’
😂

You have my sympathy OP.
Rent free is not a good idea IMO.

I express my opinion to my adult DCs as I would to a sibling or close friend, where appropriate adult to adult and with respect. Much depends on the issue of course. If I was concerned for their wellbeing I'd say so. If I thought they were doing something unethical or destructive I'd tell them. If I just thought they should invest more in their pension and less on holidays, or that they should be climbing the career ladder or that they should get a cheaper car, I'd probably file that under things to think but not say unless asked.

I hear you!
Really want to shake my 30yr old ds and tell him to cut his f**king hair!!
He is ‘independent’ but lazy as hell.

I think a lot of it depends on the relationship you have with them.

There are times I've said nothing but been there when the shit hits the fan and there are times when I tell them I'm going to play the mum card and I'll offer a very brief opinion and let them know I'm there to discuss if they want. But they're also free to ignore.

I never advise or tell them what to do though. Just share my opinions and experience but tell them it's their choice to make.

Same really.

It depends I think sometimes things are going on we just might not understand that well my youngest is an artist and spend a long time doing what appeared to me to be little more than doss about after we bankrolled her education, living expenses and masters. It was really frustrating and caused quite a few arguments when she was living on benefits and looking to us to top up her money. However after a few years of that she was suddenly doing really well and making a living, travelling all over with her work and is now treating us to nice dinners and trips. I must admit I still don't really get what she does but as I said sometimes we just don't get it and have to let them do their own thing and trust them.

What's a bad financial decision?
Very likely nothing you have done, but when your DC is living way beyond her income, running up endless credit card bills, omitting to pay her rent or phone bill, repeatedly phoning her parents in tears saying she can't afford to eat or travel to work unless they rescue her ... I think it's OK to call them bad financial decisions. Groan!

You don't do them any favours allowing them to live rent free. It keeps them in that dependent parent/child state which is why you are feeling the way you do about it.

They should pay rent which should be inclusive of utilities and broadband. Pay for their own phone, clothing, toiletries, car, subscriptions, etc. If you have family meals their rent should include a contribution to that but if not they buy and cook their own.

They must also follow house rules or get their own place and live by their own rules.

It's not hard. Stop treating an adult like a child.

@WallaceinAnderland i find the rent thing difficult. I understand what you say, but the whole point of living at home is to save money. I can’t help them get on the housing ladder, so this is the next best thing I suppose.

A friend was just saying how much "younger" children seem today, as in a couple of generations ago, most 16 year olds had a least a part time job and did things round the house, and few people still lived with their parents in their 20s. It's not all their fault, because jobs/society is different, but she was saying how crazy it is her 18 year old expects her to book medical appointments for her/get picked up etc. So with your adult kids, it depends how independent they are. If they're not, there's nothing wrong with saying anything.

Are they putting the equivalent of rent in a savings account then?

If you’re letting them live at home rent free and expecting them to save money, some young adults just won’t. If you have the ability to charge them rent and shove it in an account for them, that might be better.

i firmly believe no one should get used to a oaycheck without rent coming out as your lifestyle expands to the full amount and then you believe you can’t afford to rent or buy which isn’t true you’ve just got used to a fancier lifestyle.

Yes, they both have savings accounts and don’t spend much (apart from the vacant rented flat of course 🤬!)

This is what I mean by bad financial decisions. Sometimes I feel like I’m on a different planet. I agree with @Pistachiocake that 20-somethings these days seem younger. Or at least mine do. Or maybe I’m just getting very old 😂

As they are apparently still living in your house and at your expense, then I'd say it's absolutely fine for you to comment. Not only that, but come up with a timescale for them to financially and practically contribute to the household OR to move out. Maybe they'll have to rent a room but, so what? If they're not working hard, maybe they'll never be able to buy a property, and it's time for them to understand this.
You need to get tough, OP!
Of course, once they're financially independent, then you have no right at all to comment on their poor choices.

Well, you could chuck one of them out. You could chuck both of them out. You could send both of them to live together in the vacant flat (why is s/he keeping it if they don't want to live in it?). You could charge the one with the flat enough rent that they won't be able to keep it. You could charge both of them lots of rent but save it towards a future deposit or whatever. You have options. I think it's worth considering that sometimes a few years in a living situation they don't really like (crappy flats, annoying flatmates) is what motivates a young person to work harder and get something better. A bit of discomfort might be what they need.

It's ok in this instance but that's why I asked. Because it was not clear from OP's post. And it very much sounds as though both her children have jobs and are not doing any of the things you described. One of them is paying rent on a flat but spend a lot of time with his parents which OP is considering wasteful and another is working from home and OP considers it to be not effortful enough. I see no tragic financial mishaps in either of those cases. I see one child who wants to spend time with their parents and another who uses their time effectively to have a good work-life balance.

My 20 something lives with us. We do not have to charge her rent but we do because it helps her budget for real life, instills financial indepedence and financial savvy.

She has a full time job, pays rent every month via direct debit which is inclusive of utilities and food. Everything else she pays for herself. She bought her car and pays for the running and maintenance costs.

She is respectful, takes her share of cleaning and does her own washing. She pays her way when we're out and about, she pays for her own holidays, she has a private pension and a savings account.

She has just got a MIP and is looking at buying her own house. She is very well prepared for adult life.

Good point. I am feeling a little despairing about my own situation, not OP's.

I can imagine, it sounds really tough. Sending love

@Catza thank you for that perspective. The “kids” are not actually doing anything really wrong, just making mistakes which I suppose we all did. The difference is that we weren’t all living with our parents into our mid 20s! The mistakes are happening under my nose and it’s frustrating. And to be honest I thought that at my age I might have stopped worrying about them so much! Anyone else feel like this?

@Pistachiocake It's gobsmacking how infantilised many young people have been allowed/encouraged to be nowadays compared to past times.