AIBU to be annoyed at DD yelling for pyjamas at bedtime?

[Calmlycooly]

Tonight, DD(12) and I have had a bit of a drama.

Back story is that I was helping her younger sibling with something and they were being a handful. They had been a bit of a handful all night. DD had had lots of attention though. She did really well in an an exam for one of her hobbies and so I took the kids out for dinner to celebrate. I praised her and told her how proud I was.

Fast forward to bedtime and younger sibling was being a bit of a nightmare as overtiredness had kicked in. I was helping get them bathed, when DD started calling me (loudly) from her bedroom. I know how she calls so could tell from her tone this wasn’t an emergency, but couldn’t make out her words due to the shower running. I called back explaining I couldn’t hear her. Her room is in close proximity and I called loudly. She continued to call and call. I suspect a total of 20 times! I had called back to her and explained I couldn’t come right now. She just kept persisting and persisting. I ended up lifting younger sibling out of the bath (Shower over bath scenario) and went to her bedroom and said “this better be an emergency.” Turns out she needed pyjama bottoms that were a total of 5 steps away from her bedroom door. She had just had a shower and said she “couldn’t” come out the room in her towel for them, because it wasn’t long enough to wrap round herself (totally untrue). She then said that she doesn’t like to put the towel under her arms because she doesn’t feel comfortable, so it wasn’t long enough to cover her when over her shoulders. But there were a thousand other options of ways she could clothe herself to walk out of her room.

I was so upset with her for basically treating me like a servant and just yelling despite knowing her younger sibling was having a bit of a moment.

I told her that this is an awful way to treat someone. She has doubled down that she has done nothing wrong and that I am being completely unfair and unreasonable. She has taken no responsibility for her behaviour. We live in a semi detached house, so apart from everything else, we have neighbours and it’s simply unacceptable to be yelling like that on repeat, as if there’s a huge emergency!

Aparently I am the worst mum ever and she has been calling and texting her dad telling him how unreasonable I’ve been. I left her to get on with it. I’m not going to get drawn into arguments, but I’ve just heard her crying in her room and can’t help but feel guilty. AIBU?

how old is younger sibling?

No, she will get over it. Next time she will wrap the towel round her properly.
Dont give it any headspace, things like this happen in family life.

Is younger sibling often a handful?
Sounds like it was DDs night, lovely time celebrating her success but then younger sibling stole your attention by being a "nightmare"

7! Probably older than you’d think from my post, but they are ND.

Hmmm I would understand that, but I really don’t think it was that. DD had tonnes of my attention this evening. Their sibling was managed carefully for the most part, but bath time was definitely a struggle. DD did have so much praise etc and attention that I just can’t see this being the issue.

You aren't being unreasonable - she needed to know that a considerate 12 year old wouldn't behave like that, and you aren't her servant.

If you want to be nice though, buy her a towelling dressing gown.

Many years ago when I was about 13 I yelled up the stairs to my mother for some article of clothing I could not find. Next minute my father literally knocked me across the room and told me to "Dont you dare yell at your mother like that. Look after your own stuff!"

I never again dared yell at my mother in that way.

She was being a madam. I think it's better to cause some upset now than deal with a monster 16 year old.

Remember, your job is NOT to keep her happy at all times. Your job is to raise a functioning adult and that does involve teaching them boundaries and that they are not the centre of the universe. It's not a nice lesson to learn.

@BabyBaby748392 - yes - it felt exactly like her just being a madam!! There was absolutely no need for that behaviour at all. She has gone to bed with us on bad terms though, which I really hate!

this is grasping a bit, tbh. she only did well in a hobby, she hasn't found the cure for cancer! praise and a meal out is perfectly sufficient reward, and far more than many kids would get for something so (comparatively) minor. It's ridiculous to expect a whole evening to be solely focussed on her to the exclusion of anything else. Even if sibling wasn't around and OP was just stting downstairs watching tv, calling for her to get her pjs would have been completely inappropriate and rude.

OP, you haven't mentioned anyone else being in the house, so if you and younger child were in the bathroom who exactly was she worried about seeing her in the towel for 2 seconds? Not that it really matters, as you said she could have put on a dressing gown or oodie or anything to go and grab them.

Was it late, and she also overtired maybe? It just sounds like a massive drama over absolutely nothing, I don't get why she felt she couldn't cover herself with the towel, or why she was so worried about stepping outside of her door when you were in the bathroom (who was going to see her??) but I'd have just said if you want to talk to me, you need to come to where I can hear you- not shout from the other room unless there's an emergency, and brushed it off. So I assume she was upset about something else, and just yelling over the pjs because of being stressed about something?

I mean yes it was out of order and lazy what she did so she you were right to say all that

But wow I can't help thinking I wish this was all I had to deal with with my 12 year old

She was rude, you told her she was rude in what seems like a nice calm way. I don’t see how you were unreasonable

Who might have seen her leaving her room?

YANBU to be annoyed, and I wouldn’t worry about the fact that you had a row with her. I appreciate nobody wants to make their child cry, but this sounds like very typical 12-year-old behaviour - that kind of self-centred, unreasonable, melodramatic fuss-about-nothing behaviour is classic tween/teen stuff.

I still cringe myself inside out now, at the age of 50, when I remember having a huge argument with my mum at that age after informing her that she wasn’t ironing my school shirts to the standard I expected. It seemed perfectly reasonable at the time but my god, WHAT a dick I must have been.

I was in the bathroom, with the bathroom door open, with other DC in view. So she could have been seen by either of us, obviously I could hear the shouting, but not the actual words, or I’d have just pushed the door over, but I didn’t realise what her issue was until I went to her, due to the constant shouting.

So, it's completely normal and expected that she (1) bellow at you even after you ask her to stop, (2) demand that you drop everything to satisfy her whim, (3) disrupt her sibling's routine, and (4) annoy the neighbours - but she cannot fathom that SHE could have either taken the pyjama bottoms with her in the first place or tolerated the "uncomfortable" towel for one minute to go get them? Sounds about right. I'd talk to her again tomorrow when she's calmed down; she's being unreasonable (and probably should be apologising to you).

Did you actually get the pyjama bottoms for her in the end, or did you leave her to get them herself?

Where was dad? Was it just the 3 of you so no one could else could have helped with either?
what does giving 12 yo “tonnes of your attention” look like? Is that just talking to her instead of being fully focused on 7yo? Am in agreement with pp who wondered if 7yo was acting up being of you giving attention to 12yo?

Tell her she is old.wnough to be organised and make sure she has her pyjamas in the room next time or she needs to problem solve- stick clothes on if she has to to walk the few steps. What she doesn't do is 1)shout, 2) interrupt you when back are doing bedtime 3) expect you to be her servant and pick up and carry stuff for her ( even if you were free). She needs to grow up.

She was obviously the unreasonable one, but she's 12. I also have to raise an eyebrow saying you celebrated her and made the evening about her... When the sibling was accompanying too. That's not making a night a celebration of her, that's you taking both the kids out to dinner. Her sibling probably took up a lot of your attention, as they so.

So it's a strange attitude to say it was all about her... It wasn't. It's not like you took her out to dinner alone or with her own friends, and I'm sure it's not like you just ignored her sibling the whole evening.

She's probably picking up on how you don't really see her as an individual, just kind of like an add-on to her younger sibling. Like when you're paying any attention to both kids equally at all, rather than just younger sibling, you consider it "paying attention to the eldest particularly"... And she doesn't actually get any particular attention off you.

She's probably pissed off as she's old enough to be seeing this and clocking your attitude towards her.

She was unreasonable though ofc and it's not surprising you were bewildered by her actions.

Just maybe have a good look at whether she really is getting your help and love as much as her younger sibling is. Even just half.

She should have waited. I’d be annoyed at her too.

It’s a typical 12 yr old fuss about nothing. You’ve stated your case, set your boundary, now let it go and move on. She’ll get over it.

Buy her a towelling robe

It wasn't about the pj bottoms. She wanted your time. And that isn't an unreasonable thing.

I imagine it's hard managing the two dc, but it isn't fair to shame her for understandably trying to get her emotional needs met. Praising her for being good isn't the same as giving her parental focus. Siblings of disabled dc often miss out, and I think she's telling you the only way she can that she needs more focus.

Fully agree with @Agix. You even say Their sibling was managed carefully for the most part, but bath time was definitely a struggle.

what does that look like? Again how much actual “attention” is given to dd12? Did they get to choose where dinner was as it was their treat?