AIBU to be annoyed at DD yelling for pyjamas at bedtime?

[Calmlycooly]

Tonight, DD(12) and I have had a bit of a drama.

Back story is that I was helping her younger sibling with something and they were being a handful. They had been a bit of a handful all night. DD had had lots of attention though. She did really well in an an exam for one of her hobbies and so I took the kids out for dinner to celebrate. I praised her and told her how proud I was.

Fast forward to bedtime and younger sibling was being a bit of a nightmare as overtiredness had kicked in. I was helping get them bathed, when DD started calling me (loudly) from her bedroom. I know how she calls so could tell from her tone this wasn’t an emergency, but couldn’t make out her words due to the shower running. I called back explaining I couldn’t hear her. Her room is in close proximity and I called loudly. She continued to call and call. I suspect a total of 20 times! I had called back to her and explained I couldn’t come right now. She just kept persisting and persisting. I ended up lifting younger sibling out of the bath (Shower over bath scenario) and went to her bedroom and said “this better be an emergency.” Turns out she needed pyjama bottoms that were a total of 5 steps away from her bedroom door. She had just had a shower and said she “couldn’t” come out the room in her towel for them, because it wasn’t long enough to wrap round herself (totally untrue). She then said that she doesn’t like to put the towel under her arms because she doesn’t feel comfortable, so it wasn’t long enough to cover her when over her shoulders. But there were a thousand other options of ways she could clothe herself to walk out of her room.

I was so upset with her for basically treating me like a servant and just yelling despite knowing her younger sibling was having a bit of a moment.

I told her that this is an awful way to treat someone. She has doubled down that she has done nothing wrong and that I am being completely unfair and unreasonable. She has taken no responsibility for her behaviour. We live in a semi detached house, so apart from everything else, we have neighbours and it’s simply unacceptable to be yelling like that on repeat, as if there’s a huge emergency!

Aparently I am the worst mum ever and she has been calling and texting her dad telling him how unreasonable I’ve been. I left her to get on with it. I’m not going to get drawn into arguments, but I’ve just heard her crying in her room and can’t help but feel guilty. AIBU?

From parenting teens and learning the hard way, arguing gets you nowhere but does escalate the situation. They can really rile you up though.

When they are in that belligerent mood or if the red mist has descended, stay calm and just say we’ll discuss this later and then move out of the room. More often than not, when they’ve calmed down, they’ll see hire unreasonable they are being and will even apologise.
It’s very easy to get drawn into the arguments though. That’s the worse thing you can do. Then you both get worked up. It took me a while to realise this. You should address issues but there is no point talking to them when the red mist is down. Threats have No effect what so ever. They just don’t hear you at the time. Wait till they, and you, are calm.

Little drama queen! Typical for a 12 year old girl though so don’t over think it. I hope you didn’t hand her those pyjamas!

Welcome to the preteen madhouse. I think it's a mix of things, taking her sibling to a celebration dinner isn't really all about her, it's a family dinner. I think she wanted a bit more your focus on her instead of sharing it with a sibling who most likely still needs a bit attention in a restaurant setting.

Not wanting to show her body is starting to be normal at that age. My daughter definitely started wrapping herself up fully or wrapping herself into dressing gown on the way back-and-forth to the bathroom when she had a shower or a bath it's part of growing up and feeling self-conscious about a developing body so I would just say to her that next time she has to make sure she has all her stuff as her and just don't make a huge drama out of it.

But do you really have to lift the 7 year-old out of the bath tub to attend to another child? Was the doors open? I would say a seven year-old can be left alone for a second to see why the other sibling is calling all the time.

This made me laugh. I accused my poor mother of making all the clothes smell, insisted she tried every single different washing powder, I complained about bobbles on my jumpers, fluff on everything. Oh God I was a pain.

She was in the wrong, but telling her this was an awful way to treat someone is a massive overreaction IMO. What she did wasn't that bad! I feel sorry for her.

If the bathroom was in view of the bedroom could you not have just stepped away from the shower to hear what she was saying? Rather than removing the sibling etc. It sounds like everyone got a bit overdramatic.

You poor love. That sounds horrendous and you’ve clearly never forgotten it.

She is 12. Basic manners should be automatic. Shouting repeatedly when you obviously could not hear and busy with something you could not just stop is very rude.
She had nothing in her bedroom she could have put on? She could have just sat down and waited till you had finished.
This is not about who gets what attention from you. Its about basic manners and respect .

Yelling room to room really annoys me. My kids used to just yell and expect me to come to them, leaving whatever else I was doing. Never urgent, they were just lazy and demanding. I now shout back ONCE "I can't hear you, come here and speak to me" and ignore any further yelling. Their dad has always pretended not to hear yelling and they quickly learned not to expect a response from him, so I took a leaf out of his book.

Sometimes they do (indignantly) come and find me. Most of the time they solve the issue themselves - it's usually wanting me to find/fetch/carry for them and they've miraculously discovered the use of their own arms and legs, who knew. I'm not the maid and that is final.

She is 12 she is not fully grown yet. She called you excessively, didn’t use any initiative and was unreasonable. If it was a similar situation but milder you might have said “really you can sort this out yourself” or “don’t call me repeatedly like that”. Instead it’s reasonable to have an argument/ be annoyed.

Children have to know you can be annoyed, and after an argument they can experience and observe good “repair” also.

No excuse for this at 12 years old, don't blame you for being annoyed OP.

Goodness, mine yell from one part of the house to the other all the time and expect me to hear.
The neighbours must think we are crazy.

Yes, she was wrong to shout but I think you over reacted too. I wouldn't worry about it now, you will both get over it.

I’ve talked about this previously, but if your 7 year old has additional needs life can be quite difficult for any siblings. Trying to get parent’s attention, maybe feeling embarrassed about siblings behaviour. One of mine very honestly told me once that she didn’t like her sibling sometimes, but then felt bad for feeling that as she is disabled. Are you able to go out just you and your 12 year old sometimes ? I know tonight’s towel thing is annoying, but I feel there’s a bigger picture here.

I think sometimes when you are the neurotypical child there is an element of feeling less important, no matter what the parents do to show you the opposite. I know that's how my daughter felt until we sat and talked, and I pointed out the things we do for her to show her she is valued too. In my daughter's case she realised she was just as cherished and that her thoughts were unfounded. I just wonder if there is an element of that in your daughter's case, especially if she'd just done well in her exam and you'd been out to celebrate and then all of a sudden she feels like her sibling has all the attention. I know that's not reasonable, but might be how she's thinking and that could be the reason for digging her heels in and feeling it's unfair. Also, with the influx of hormones at that age, their emotions are all over the place. I hope you sort it out.

Buy a bath sheet for her in her favourite colour. She sees it as an additional gift that meets her needs/insecurities, no need for bellowing at you for pyjama bottoms in the future, takes the emotion out of the equation, no need to risk a younger child who might not be safe left unattended in the bathroom, fewer calls to her father complaining about how awful her life is, no need to tell her 'this better be an emergency' as though she's an inconvenience (even though it was the worst time to decide she needed help).

Problem solved.

Is she recorded as a Young Carer by the school? That means she'll be able to access support for her practical and emotional needs and might reduce her having a reaction like this in future.

Don’t feel bad OP, I’m like you and don’t like to go to sleep on bad feeling, but as the parent of a 15 year old girl I’ve learnt sometimes you have to! She was rude, lazy and demanding. No reason she couldn’t have problem solved that one herself. I’m afraid I really don’t agree with some of the posters saying she needs attention, sometimes they just need a bollocking.

For what it’s worth, I have a great relationship with my daughter, but they do sometimes need reminding of their manners.

Hormones ramping up around this age.

solidarity from a fellow teenage girl mum x

12??

i had to double check you didn’t mean 2 and a toddler

I would have flipped at her as well

tho equally unless 7yr very disabled , could you not leave in shower for 30 secs to see what the problem was

Shouting and yelling, unless there is a genuine emergency, would not be tolerated in my house. If you need to speak to someone, you go to where that person is.

She was being a brat . And she is old enough to know it . I would not like to be yelled at by anybody , especially in order to do their bidding . You don't need to feel bad OP . She kept yelling despite knowing exactly why you weren't available. More than able to comprehend that that is an unacceptable way to address your mother . Honestly we need to pull back and restore respect for parents . How many of you 40 and under recall ever being allowed to behave like this .
You did nothing wrong and tomorrow she will be her usual normal self .

That’s such a horrible way to speak about a child @Nofeckingway a ‘brat’ really? I think other posters have got it right with regards to her being a young carer and the difficulties that raises. It’s quite sad to see all the nastiness and vitriolic words being hurled at the dd and no defence from her mum. Reminds me of a very similar thread where the purpose seemed to be to gather lots of spiteful horrible comments directed at one of the ops young children while the other wasn’t.

@EvangelineTheNightStar Yep . Brat with bratty behaviour. She is 12 and treating her mother like her skivvy .Not a toddler. She is not a carer either . Sometimes kids do not behave well just because . And at 12 self control is possible. No wonder authority figures are having such trouble. Stop making excuses or trying to justify or find reasons for bad behaviour. It just was. But it's OK to move on afterwards without permanent trauma caused.

Sibling has to be "managed carefully" - so really, how much attention does elder DD actually get?

YANBU for thinking it's not ok for her to yell and carry on, but I also do wonder if you're a bit naive to how she may be experiencing life with a demanding younger ND sibling and therefore trying to get her needs met in unhelpful ways.

Doe she normally expect you to do these unnecessary things for her instantly? She is BU for expecting it and you're BU by doing it.