AIBU to think it’s unfair my DD is always hidden in dance shows?

[shouldicontactthisperson]

DD attends weekly dance classes in acro, ballet & tap, and the dance school puts on 3 shows a year. Her class is for 4-6 year olds and there are clearly some extremely talented dancers. DD enjoys the classes and is probably “average,” if this is even a thing. In the shows they will generally arrange the children into 2 rows, and without fail DD is always at the back in one corner. It’s forbidden to take your own photos as they hire a professional photographer, however DD couldn’t be seen in any of the photos from the last show. I’ve watched the kids line up at the side before being brought on stage, and they tend to rearrange them so that not only the best dancers are at the front, but also the little sisters/cousins of the older girls who are competitive dancers.

DH is unhappy with this - they are little kids and we have all paid the same for classes & show participation. My question is - is this normal for dance schools and AWBU to think it’s a little unfair? I have absolutely no grand notions about DD becoming a professional dancer 😁 however I’m not keen to pay a small fortune for classes and keep queuing for shows where I can’t actually see her perform!

Just to add - she doesn’t mess around and her attendance is great.

How often has this happened? After the 2nd or 3rd time, I'd have looked for a different school.

Normal when they’re older but in my experience at that age they tend to rotate them round mid dance so they all get a chance at the front

It has been the case for the last 3 shows. I always internally rolled my eyes but since DH has said it out loud after the most recent one, it’s been bothering me more. We attended the parent & tot ballet classes prior to this with the same dance school, but it wasn’t as much of an issue with the shows as the stage was a bit chaotic with toddlers and stressed parents!

One of my DC is a dancer and they rotate all the children regardless of ability during performances. They might have stronger dancers doing the odd solo before the rest of the group joins in but on the whole it is fairly distributed in terms of who is at the front.

My DC attends two different dance schools and they are both like this .

There is a mini competition troupe and 3 of the girls from DD’s class are members. They already get to do their competition dances with costumes at these shows. The regular classes (including the troupe dancers) all wear black leggings & a show t-shirt.

Is it not a height based thing?

I would feel ridiculous saying it out loud so we would probably just move dance schools rather than bring it up.

My DDs danced from a young age and have taken part in many shows. The teachers deliberately choreographed the dances so every child, regardless of ability, got a chance to be at the front even when they were older. I would think about changing to a more inclusive school. As you say, they have done as much preparation and you have paid the same money to attend the classes and see the shows.

Surely the point of paying for her to attend is because she enjoys it rather than so you can watch her perform in a show? I understand it’s disappointing not to see her in the show but presumably you see her practice?

My daughter attends two different dance schools. One has ‘favourites’ who are always at the front, and one rotates. The one with the favourites is a bit more of a serious performing arts school, sends people for auditions, preps for full time performing arts schools etc. But I too wish they would rotate the children (especially the young ones), as most are at this age just doing it for fun - we aren’t at the show to see great dancing, we are all there just to see our children. We’d go to a professional show if it was all about the quality of the dance! Anyway my daughter still loves it so we continue…Friends have had children in the other performing arts schools locally and they all seem to go down the favourites at the front route.

Thank you all, this is good to know. The regular class dances are basically just the kids standing in in 2 lines and dancing on the spot, at least until it gets to the grade classes.

You could mention it from the POV of photos "can we take one beforehand as all the group photos have our DD at the back" so they know you've noticed?

This seems a shame if you otherwise like the class. Can you do it by email if you feel awkward?

Do also double check that you're not just feeling a bit of that "all the other children" v "my child" thing. I remember DH grumping about our child not featuring very much in a video and had to remind him that it can feel like that because you notice how much time all the other children together get versus the time your child gets but that's because there are lots of other children 😂 If you focus instead on how much time a specific other child gets in the spotlight versus your own then suddenly it seems much more reasonable. Not saying that this is the case for you but it's worth checking- for example, you notice your own child not being visible in the photos but you're unlikely to notice another child not being visible because you're not looking for them.

Dance classes cost a fortune. I would definitely say something and make it clear that I wanted my daughter to have equal opportunities at the front as the others.

I think an email about the photo thing is a good idea, thank you.

That’s also a good point about others maybe being in the same position. The next show is next month so we’ll have to decide if we’ll be staying until then. I had previously decided to keep going until the summer holidays then make a decision, but the thought of another show where DD is hidden away in a corner is depressing. People queue up for 1.5 hours before the doors open to get a good seat, and we always dread it! Thankfully DH usually agrees to line up for us

My DD goes to a dance school like that. Very much has it's favourites and the owners and her friends kids are always in key parts and all over social media.
Very tedious. But DD hasn't noticed and enjoys the classes.
But I am a little fed up of it now.
Everyone is aware of it. Quite a few comments are muttered between parents and lots of eye rolls , over the daughter of the owner yet again being front and center of every single dance.

I went to a really toxic dance school like this as a child/ young teen and was always put to the back as one of the more ‘average’ dancers. Was a massive knock to my confidence and definitely impacted my MH as I assumed I’d been put there because I wasn’t as attractive or slim as some of the others. Maybe not true at the time but that’s how I interpreted it! This was the early 2000’s though so a whole different culture really. not saying this to scare you or anything but if I could go back and change schools to somewhere more inclusive/ friendly I would!

My DD has just given up dancing because of similar favouritism issues at her dance school.

the previous dance school made sure each row had a turn at the front.

I feel your pain. My son used to sing in a school choir and I attended every concert they did for five years, but I never could see him - because he was always at the back. I maybe glimpsed the top of his head once or twice, but that was it.

Reminds me of the full day at football tournaments where my 7 year old son regularly sat on the bench for four hours. He was lucky if he got 5 minutes on the pitch the whole day. Obviously he wasn't a good player but he loved football and all his friends who played. How was he ever supposed to get better when he was never allowed to play.

At the end of the season the "coach" when providing medals and boosting other players and their parents said "what can I say about Lewis, he was always on time for training".

I moved him to another club where until they were 13 years old all the children were rotated to get playing time. There's no excuse for treating a child like that.

Three shows a year sounds horrendous 😂My DD's dance school does a show every other year and I feel like I need at least 18 months to recover.

my daughter did babyballet (a franchise) which did shows for 4-6 year olds and they always made sure the lines swapped places half way through the dance so everyone got a chance at the front. At this age everyone should get a chance. It might be different when they’re older, I can understand then perhaps putting the stronger dancers at the front when it’s a bit more professional.

Its normal in my experience. One of my DC has been in various dance schools, is a low to average performer and is always at the back. I changed schools a few times but it always ends up the same way.

Thank you for all the replies, it is much appreciated. I’m glad it’s not just us being silly! I think this helps confirm that it’s not the right school for her and we’ll look for somewhere more inclusive. I hate the thought of her feeling like she’s not good enough, especially at this age.