AIBU: Pregnant with baby 3 and really starting to be resentful with DH smoking

[ThatZippyWasp]

I’m currently pregnant with our third. We’ve got a 3 year old and a 1 year old, so life is already quite full on, and I feel like I’m starting to get really bothered by DH’s smoking in a way I wasn’t before.

We’re both 39 and have been together since we were 19 met at uni. He’s always smoked on and off during this time, he’s smoked since boarding school I think he started at 15.

I think I just accepted it when we were younger, but now with two small children and another on the way it just feels different.
He doesn’t smoke in the house, he goes outside, but the smell is still there on his breath at times and I really notice it. For work he does make sure to chew gum or have a mint after smoking so you wouldn’t really know unless you’re actively smelling him.

It’s not about hormones, it’s more that I just want him to be around and healthy to see our children grow up.

The thing is, he’s actually very fit. He cycles long distances has cycled from Cornwall to Scotland multiple times, he in a cycling club, runs will be running London marathon again this year, goes to the gym a few times a week, swims. If you saw him you wouldn’t think he smoked at all. But he always has, the whole time I’ve known him, and that’s what I struggle with.

I have mentioned it quite a few times. He says he’ll cut down or stop at some point but nothing really changes. Granted he isn’t smoking a pack a day. I don’t want to nag but at the same time I feel like this stage of life, with soon to be three young kids, is the point where you would expect someone to take it seriously.

We are also in the process of viewing houses and hopefully starting the process of buying our forever home in sw or se ldn in the next month or so and I’d really like for us to live in that house together for a long time. Smoking isn’t just a little fun hobby it is affecting his health, maybe no symptoms now but long term should be taking our health seriously.

I think I’m starting to feel a bit resentful if I’m being honest.

Am I being unreasonable expecting him to stop now, or do I just have to accept it’s his choice?

Ask the mw for some factual leaflets.. A smoker ticks a box for putting your baby at risk of SIDS..
Can't he see that?

I have voted yabu, but hear me out! Yes, he should quit smoking, for his own health and for the health and wellbeing of your children together, but it’s a bit unrealistic to expect him to quit now, given he never has before. He didn’t think it was something he’d commit to when he married you, when he moved in with you, when you had your first child together, when you had your second child together… why do you think the third, or a house move, will be the motivation he needs? I’d be inclined to think you’d be on a hiding to nothing.. which leaves two choices ultimately.

Amazed you had 3 kids with this man before it became a dealbreaker?

It’s not a dealbreaker, and never has been. He’s always smoked on and off and I accepted that.

I didn’t suddenly discover he smokes after having three children, I’m just feeling more strongly about it now we’re in a different stage of life.

Just ask him to stop.

OK? I am asking, what has changed now you are on baby number 3 that didn't bother you quite so much on number 1?

FWIW, I hate smoking, and yes I judge parents that do. Just trying to understand what has changed on this baby - he will probably ask too.

My priorities have changed between 1 and 3 so I’d like for him to stop I’m willing to help and support him. It’s an addiction. I’m just looking more towards a future now that we are about to buy a family house.

Understandable you’re allowed to judge parents who smoke it’s not nice habit at all and I’m not encouraging but I’m also not going to sit and judge my husband and be hypocritical. I smoked for a time in my late teens early 20s silly habit that I started just for the sake of socialising. I did mange to stop at 24 and have not smoked since, it probably has done its damage but for now I’m healthy as I can be and cannot go back in time. I never asked him to stop back then, I think if I did he’d have tried and maybe he wouldn’t be smoking in late 30s.

He's been a smoker the whole time you have known him. You've asked him repeatedly to quit or cut down and he hasn't. He isn't going to change now. So you are unreasonable to expect him to quit at this point or to be able to nag him or persuade him into it.

You can't choose to accept something about someone for many years and then suddenly do a 180 and tell them they must change, people aren't like that.

My DH went to boarding school at the age of 9, he jokes that he gave up smoking when he left Prep school at the age of 13. He's taken our DCs to see his prep school (it's a rather prominent one) & pointed out the fire escape from the 'senior dorm' that he used to sneak out onto to have a ciggie.

However, I smoked from the age of 18 starting when I went to University. This was 198? & everyone smoked as it was considered to be cool. When I was PG with our DCs I stopped - one of the first symptoms of pregnancy for me was the smell of ciggies made me feel sick, even before I'd missed a period. But I went back to it after they were born.

I gave up about 30 years ago & haven't gone back to it - the very idea makes me feel ill.

DH still has the occasional cigar - outside of course. But I'm talking about Xmas, birthday & school reunions so about 3 or 4 a year.

My feeling is that your DH is an adult, he doesn't smoke in the house, he's not doing anything illegal. It's his choice if he wants to pollute his lungs & shorten his life. As long as he has good life insurance & has been honest with his insurance company about him smoking.

He has cut down I’ve never explicitly told him you need to stop I’ve always just mentioned oh it’s not good for you etc.

I now want to ask him to try make the changes and stop. I should have asked him when we had our first child but I did not I’ve accepted that’s on me I guess I wasn’t bothered at the time. I don’t feel good as a mother for that so now I can at least try and support him.

He has done it before, we went to America to see one of my relatives for 3 weeks last year and he didn’t smoke during that time.

I do disagree. We have a family now and I’d like for us both to be healthy enough to watch our children hit milestones. I don’t think it’s that bad to ask him to stop. It’s a bad habit anyway isn’t doing him any favours cycling wise, he has his own milestones in cycling and has mentioned he would like to stop smoking. He just struggles after a few weeks. Hasn’t had medical advice ( he is ‘registered’ as a smoker) for quitting and maybe if he does he will be able to.

Smoking is beyond nasty but this is like having kids with an obese person and then panicking about their health.

He has to really want to give up in order to be able to do it and find the willpower from somewhere.

Having lost my mum when she was 55 from smoking related cancer I can understand why you’d want him to give up. Her last 2 years were grim. I hated seeing her (and other residents) at the hospital and hospice desperately sucking on their fags while looking hideously ill. I was early 20s at the time. She never saw me grow up, get married, meet her 8 grandchildren. What a waste.

YANBU.

It's not fair for people to say "well he always smoked, and you didn't mind before so you shouldn't mind now". Everyone knows that as you get older your risks increase, and all the unhealthy activities start to take their toll.

As a 20-something you can smoke, drink, eat rubbish etc and still have a healthy cardiovascular/respiratory system and a low cancer risk. As you get older you just can't get away with those things, so most people modify their behaviour to take that into account.

Having said that, I wouldn't have had a 3rd child with such a long-established smoker, who clearly has no intention of giving up. It's also the case that teens are far more likely to start smoking if they have a parent who smokes, so is he prepared to be a smoking role model to this kids? Would he like to share his fags with the kids in future?

@ThatZippyWaspI'm in a very similar situation. Both me and my partner smoked before I fell pregnant with my first. He promised he would quit before baby arrived and he went onto vapes. I think these just made it worse as he was still getting nicotine and had the habit and eventually he ended back on the roll ups. I think if he had just gone "cold turkey" he would have quit. Anyway, I stopped pestering him about quitting for a while until I fell pregnant with our second baby (due in a few weeks). He has made an effort and has really cut down, and has picked a date to stop in a few weeks time.
I pointed out to him that there's no way that I could afford to look after 2 children and pay a mortgage on my own. If smoking didnt kill him it could cause a life changing illness where he wouldnt be able to work and I would be the carer for 2 children, him and have to work to provide for the whole family- again, not possible. Or did he fancy being a dad who couldnt play sports with his kids because he was hooked up to an oxygen canister.
I laid it on thick, im just hoping its enough for him to really look at what continuing to smoke could do to his and his children's future

I voted YABU simply because you can’t tell a grown man what to do. You just have to accept him as he is (or not!)

I presume he isn’t thick, in which case there is no chance patronising leaflets or stories of lung cancer will impact him

DH was a heavy smoker when we met, though never in the house or his car. But I could always smell it on him. He'd smoked from the age of 13 and I think he was probably 40 by the time he gave up (after years of repeated nagging, tears, begging, even threatening to leave over it ... the works). We had 3 DC by this time.

He's now 61 and has got serious heart issues along with asthma. And I'm pretty convinced it's from the years of heavy smoking.

Really sorry about your DH

I have mentioned it to him for the first time properly. I’ve said to him he needs to quit for good and I will support him but he can’t keep smoking not now we have children. Maybe the damage has already been done, I wouldn’t say he’s a heavy smoker one pack does last him a week and a bit, there’s days where he doesn’t smoke but if he’s had a stressful day he will smoke, he’s really into his cycling so that helps me not smoke as much. I’d like for him to quit forever.

I have said to him that it’s a dealbreaker for me right now I’d like for us to both be able to see our children grow up and he does want to quit so we will see how that goes. He will be getting actual advice on how to fully quit as he can go days without smoking just needs to commit to it long term.