AIBU: Pregnant with baby 3 and really starting to be resentful with DH smoking

[ThatZippyWasp]

I’m currently pregnant with our third. We’ve got a 3 year old and a 1 year old, so life is already quite full on, and I feel like I’m starting to get really bothered by DH’s smoking in a way I wasn’t before.

We’re both 39 and have been together since we were 19 met at uni. He’s always smoked on and off during this time, he’s smoked since boarding school I think he started at 15.

I think I just accepted it when we were younger, but now with two small children and another on the way it just feels different.
He doesn’t smoke in the house, he goes outside, but the smell is still there on his breath at times and I really notice it. For work he does make sure to chew gum or have a mint after smoking so you wouldn’t really know unless you’re actively smelling him.

It’s not about hormones, it’s more that I just want him to be around and healthy to see our children grow up.

The thing is, he’s actually very fit. He cycles long distances has cycled from Cornwall to Scotland multiple times, he in a cycling club, runs will be running London marathon again this year, goes to the gym a few times a week, swims. If you saw him you wouldn’t think he smoked at all. But he always has, the whole time I’ve known him, and that’s what I struggle with.

I have mentioned it quite a few times. He says he’ll cut down or stop at some point but nothing really changes. Granted he isn’t smoking a pack a day. I don’t want to nag but at the same time I feel like this stage of life, with soon to be three young kids, is the point where you would expect someone to take it seriously.

We are also in the process of viewing houses and hopefully starting the process of buying our forever home in sw or se ldn in the next month or so and I’d really like for us to live in that house together for a long time. Smoking isn’t just a little fun hobby it is affecting his health, maybe no symptoms now but long term should be taking our health seriously.

I think I’m starting to feel a bit resentful if I’m being honest.

Am I being unreasonable expecting him to stop now, or do I just have to accept it’s his choice?

I feel as though I can tell him to quit smoking regardless of age. I want him to be here long term it’s a terrible habit and I’m ashamed that it was never a dealbreaker did me.

I have said to him to quit and he’s said he is on board with that and will quit. We shall see how that goes

By dealbreaker do you mean you're going to divorce him?

That's a choice you're obviously free to make as long as it's not an idle threat.

I was hypnotised to give up and it was fantastic. Maybe suggest some methods - hypnotherapy, patches etc it might be easier than cold turkey

My partner smoked when we first started dating but gave up circa 20 years ago. I said I wouldn’t force him to stop, but he couldn’t have it in the house, I wouldn’t kiss him if he’d been smoking or if his clothes smelled like smoke. I also made it clear that if he got a smoking related illness I would not nurse him, I would move out and he would be on his own. He said it was an awful thing to say, uncaring etc… I clarified that if he was in an accident and needed a carer that I would step up but if in his 20s he decided to continue smoking with the stats that we know about the various illnesses it causes then he is playing Russian roulette with his health. I wanted to make it clear that if he got ill through his choices that I would not lose my choices. He quit.

My granddad died of lung cancer, my mum has awful memories from childhood when he would fall asleep on a chair, stop breathing and then suddenly gasp. Every time he stopped breathing she thought he was dead. She grew up knowing her dad would die, it took years and lots of mear occurrences and horrific memories of him on a respirator. She and her sister then started to smoke too - I wonder if it’s a way of still being close to him. My mum ended up in a coma when she was about ten years older than your husband is now! I obviously now have memories of her on a respirator, being told to expect the worst. She survived but it changed her life and even after weeks in hospital, months of physio and decades of recovery she never 100% recovered. I know at least two people who have lost their ability to talk properly after cancer and countless more who have died. It is a shitty addictive disease. I would tell him what I told my partner - “if you end up on a respirator or in need of care I will leave you as my kids are not growing up with that memory!”

No we’ve been together 20 years this is the first time I have properly said to him I’d like for him to quit smoking. I’m not going to divorce him over that. I’d just like for him to try, there’s so many different things he can try in order to stop smoking so we will see how it goes. He’s agreed

Oh thanks. I’ll look into that.

He is able to go weeks without smoking I think when he does actually try to stop with the aim of stopping for food it’ll be tough but he’s not a heavy smoker.

Ahh I see, fair enough.

What do you mean by dealbreaker then?

He needs to identify his triggers for when he does reach for the cigarette and address them, use distraction techniques.

Hopefully the spring weather will mean more cycling and less smoking too..

I double checked to make sure this wasn’t an old post of mine! DH had smoked since boarding school, gave up when we had DC1 but re started again very soon. I lost patience with it eventually. He would go outside to smoke and would wear a smoking jacket… not sure why he eventually stopped but it was when we had DC3.

Understandable I wasn’t bothered by it for a long time as he’s always smoked on and off since I’ve known him.

It’s quite a recent habit that bothers me. I now see that resentment was the wrong word to use