to worry about friend in 40s pursuing solo IVF, success stories?

[Greenmeansgogogo]

My wonderful friend is in her early 40s and is planning to undergo IVF to have a baby on her own.

I am so worried about her! I would really appreciate success stories from anyone who has done something similar to give me another perspective on how it can be enriching, fun and a good idea!

I have not shared my opinion but I am worried because:

• she lives in an expensive area of Edinburgh, currently she has a lodger to help with the mortgage but would end this arrangement if she did get pregnant (small property and not really feasable to continue)
• she works freelance. She is quite sucessful but works hard to bring in new business, networking etc, and I don't know how she could do this with a baby
• she is not especially close to her family and they live in England anyway so although her mother might visit and babysit ocasionally, it's not like she has local support. She does have friends but there is a limit imo to how much friends can really help with something like this, and how much they'd want to
• she told me she was going to ask the clinic to implant 2 embyos in the hope of having twins! I don't think the clinic will do this but it made me realise that she has no idea of the reality of looking after one baby let alone two
• the risk at her age of a child with medical problems and how she would manage this alone

The big positive is that my friend is great at making friends and connections. So i really hope that she would meet with other families as part of this journey and develop a support network. It might all work out amazingly and she would be a wonderful mother. I would love to see her become a mother and i don't want her to be denyed that experience but i really feel that she's thinking about cuddles on the sofa with a newborn and travelling on her 'mat leave' and that she hasn't considered the reality of caring for a baby alone, or the long term reality of being the only person responsible for herself and a child and what that might mean for her and her life. I haven't said anything about my doubts or concerns and i realise i could be wrong and it could be wonderful - that's why I'd like to hear more from others :)

I honestly just think this is none of your business and I couldn’t imagine a ‘friend’ post about about my life choices on the internet!

I think you should mind your own business!

I think you keep your neb out! How offensive to your friend that you seem to think she's entirely clueless about the realities of a newborn. You do realise the IVF clinic don't just hand out procedures like they're sweeties don't you? There'll be counselling involved etc..

I have no experience but can confirm you are bu to assume she hadn't actually given this thought and is just a silly single woman assuming motherhood is all giggles and daisies.

Have you actually talked to her? Do you generally think she's a bit dim?

She’ll be fine, women have been having babies since the dawn of time

The things you are concerned about aren’t red flags or serious worries, they are literally just none of your business. A grown adult woman, with her own job and life is going to try for a baby, she will handle whatever comes after that and be fine. Your job is to back off, or be her friend, which doesn’t involve judging her choices.

Its not really your circus or your monkeys.

I know several people who were single parents by choice. I think putting in this amount of effort and focus on doing something means you have absolutely committed - financially, logistically, emotionally. Most clinics require some sort of counselling anyway. I would put aside your judgement and just be supportive.

Anecdotally my mum has a friend who had two kids on her own via IVF in her 40s and they have a fabulous life. She is so grateful to have had the opportunity to create her own family and really enjoys it.

(I live in Edinburgh and it's a wonderful place to have children. She'll find loads of community around her and there are amazing opportunities for kids here)

thank you for your very unanamous replies! I am obviously being silly. I adore my friend and we speak regularly. I was hoping some mothers were going to come on here telling me they've done it and how wonderful it was and that i could then join my friend in feeling excited. All i see on the single parents board is how hard it is and i am just feeling very worried about her and how she will cope. It isn't my circus and i havent said anything to her

I think the majority of people on that board are (probably) single NOT by choice which is a very different situation to walking into this deliberately.

thank you for this. it is exactly the sort of reply i was hoping for and i wanted this new perspective. but i do appreciate the other replies also that i am probbaly thinking too much about someone elses personal decisino making.

I'm a single parent by choice, it hasn't always been easy but what parenting is? Your friend's set up sounds quite similar to mine in a lot of ways, and freelancing is actually ideal as a parent. She'll be fine, it has worked out for me, yes I've had to make alterations to my life but who doesn't? And to be frank, seeing some of the posts about useless fathers/husbands on here I think I have it easy compared to a lot of mums in couples.

Is she using her own eggs? If she is her chances of success are slim in any case.

I mean it isn't any of your business, but yes she is mental. It's also very telling everything you have written is all about her, you haven't even thought about the impact on the actual child being raised without a father and no family around. It'd be a pretty sad childhood (and yes women do end up single parents, but it isn't the ideal stable upbringing you'd chose for your child). She'd be better off getting a dog, cute, cuddly and a lovely companion.

I'm not sure I know anyone who will say the experience of motherhood, especially the early bit, is unanimously wonderful. Great that it was for you, but most people have a mixed bag. I'd never advocate anyone have a baby on the sole presumption they would feel it was all absolutely wonderful all the time

It's not always better to be raised in an environment surrounded by family. Not all families are lovely, supportive, nurturing environments and children raised in chaotic extended family situations aren't any luckier than children raised around chosen family. I don't see any reason not to have children just because you don't have a supportive extended family setup, that would surely rule out a giant proportion of people from parenting.

I do think single parenting is hard of course - financially and logistically. But anyone can become a single parent at any point so it's not like you're setting yourself up for a stable life just because there are two parents around at the start.

Being a parent is hard! Being a single parent is very hard! I’m a single parent, not by choice. Would I rather have an easier life and no kids… no not at all. If kids are essential to you then it’s so worth how hard it is. Good for her for being brave and going for it anyway rather than spending her life wondering ‘what if’

I totally understand why you feel concerned OP.
I raised my son alone and it was lonely, exhausting and isolating with real financial difficulties.
And your friend is deliberately creating a child without a father, not fair at all.
I know that I will get blasted for saying my opinion but that is the purpose of this thread

The main issue is managing her expectations. The chances of a live birth after 40, let alone 42 or more is under 5% I believe. Does she understand that she is putting a lot of money into a very low positive outcome?

It’s your business if she is wanting support, especially if that translates to childcare.

Same for any situation where it’s a choice and you see a friend doing something you don’t thinks a good idea.

I don’t approve of deliberately choosing this method to have a child. I have a few friends who are single parents, one was abandoned when PG. I actually bought her a pram as a gift but it wasn’t intentional single parenthood.

She’s a 40-something year old woman! Do you really think she’s so naive that she wouldn’t have considered all the realities of having a baby? And it’s common practice for clinics to implant two embryos in older women (although usually not with the intention of having twins, more in the hope that at least one will stick) but twins does happen sometimes. I ended up being a single parent of a baby when my partner left me, with no family support, so I hadn’t even planned for that life, but we were absolutely fine. It was hard at times but I got through it because I didn’t have a choice. I mean, yeah it’s hard, but it’s not THAT hard. The bond and love you have for your baby gets you through and it’s only the first 2 or 3 years that are really tough, once they’re in pre-school or school life gets easier, so you always have that light at the end of the tunnel. I’d quit worrying and start being a supportive friend

I genuinely love being a single parent. My partner left when my dd was a baby and she doesn’t see him much. I’m so much happier she’s being raised in a loving family of two rather than an unhappy, toxic family of 3 with her dad. I much prefer my life post dd than pre dd. I’m not prevented from doing anything wildly different than I would before I had her. We go on days out with my friends & their kids, we socialise with people, go for lunch, walks, holidays. All stuff I did before. We have an extremely close bond and I genuinely love her company. I can’t say it’s never been tough but the good times outweigh the bad a million percent. And despite not seeing her dad that much, she has a good relationship with him. She’s loved, appreciated and gets all my attention.

OP, I'm sure you mean well but that's pretty patronising. Your friend is an intelligent independent woman who has her own business and her own home. It is not likely that she has failed to consider how she will feed her family or put a roof over their head. She has probably spent 20 years searching for a decent man with whom to have dcs, recognised the time limitations and chosen to go it alone after a lot of thought. Everyone starts out not knowing the reality of motherhood, but being a mature competent adult will get her through, just as it does for all of us.
Be supportive but don't make assumptions about her abilities. She will prove you wrong.

I too am a single mum and have enjoyed every stage. I have very little support but haven't needed it. DS will go to uni in September and I'll manage that too. In many ways parenthood is easier without a man around.

I have a friend who is a SMC and a whole bunch of friends that are single mothers not by choice… the SMC has coped far better. I think it’s because they went into it knowing they were doing this solo, whereas my ‘not by choice’ friends expected to be a family unit, to have help, to deal with the less than amicable separation, the custody arrangements that dwindle when the ex remarried and had a new family, or consoling a child after their father chose drugs over family life. Obviously not true for all cases, I have many happily single or remarried friends but my point stands.
Is SMC the ideal set up for a child? Maybe, maybe not. But there’s a lot of judgement on this thread, suggesting that people should only have children if they are in a perfect heterosexual, financially stable situation with a large extended family that is full of people ready and willing to be your village - it’s a slippery slope. Do you suggest to poor people that they shouldn’t have children? No to homosexual couples? If you’re pregnant but not in the ideal situation should you abort or give your child to a “perfect family” because clearly they’d raise it better? And the suggestion of just getting a dog, like it’s the same as having a child is, quite frankly, ridiculous.

Can you link to those figures? They don’t seem right. Maybe per cycle, but if she can afford multiple cycles her chances are better. Don’t think OP has specified if she’s using her own eggs either. Not that it’s OPs job to manager her friends expectations anyway