to worry about friend in 40s pursuing solo IVF, success stories?

[Greenmeansgogogo]

My wonderful friend is in her early 40s and is planning to undergo IVF to have a baby on her own.

I am so worried about her! I would really appreciate success stories from anyone who has done something similar to give me another perspective on how it can be enriching, fun and a good idea!

I have not shared my opinion but I am worried because:

• she lives in an expensive area of Edinburgh, currently she has a lodger to help with the mortgage but would end this arrangement if she did get pregnant (small property and not really feasable to continue)
• she works freelance. She is quite sucessful but works hard to bring in new business, networking etc, and I don't know how she could do this with a baby
• she is not especially close to her family and they live in England anyway so although her mother might visit and babysit ocasionally, it's not like she has local support. She does have friends but there is a limit imo to how much friends can really help with something like this, and how much they'd want to
• she told me she was going to ask the clinic to implant 2 embyos in the hope of having twins! I don't think the clinic will do this but it made me realise that she has no idea of the reality of looking after one baby let alone two
• the risk at her age of a child with medical problems and how she would manage this alone

The big positive is that my friend is great at making friends and connections. So i really hope that she would meet with other families as part of this journey and develop a support network. It might all work out amazingly and she would be a wonderful mother. I would love to see her become a mother and i don't want her to be denyed that experience but i really feel that she's thinking about cuddles on the sofa with a newborn and travelling on her 'mat leave' and that she hasn't considered the reality of caring for a baby alone, or the long term reality of being the only person responsible for herself and a child and what that might mean for her and her life. I haven't said anything about my doubts or concerns and i realise i could be wrong and it could be wonderful - that's why I'd like to hear more from others :)

That's an enormous generalization. I'm a single parent with no father in the picture, my child is extremely happy, we have a lovely home, financially stable, activities, friends, a really close relationship, he's doing brilliantly at school and I can assure you is not having a 'sad childhood'. In fact he's a lot happier and more stable than many of his peers with parents arguing. We do have family around as I have moved to be close to them, but OP's friend might also well choose to do down the line, if she feels their support network isn't sufficient.

I dont have children so i dont know where my experience of motherhood has come from or the need for it to be always wonderful. Just mostly positive and a good decision!! I worried that it would be a bit of a slog and that she would loose a lot of independance as well facing a lot of financial and caring responsibilities alone but it seems from most PPs that this is worth it :) Sorry to hear of your experience @Newyearawaits which is where i was coming from but i hope will not be the reality for my friend- i hope things gave improved for you.

I know someone who did this - think she was about 41, had two from the same donor in two years. She is fabulously wealthy though, had a full time nanny etc. Both kids however are autistic and now attend a specialist school, which is fortunate that she can afford it! She seems happy enough whenever I bump into her, not sure it’d be the same story if she didn’t have pots of money though!

Does her being fabulously wealthy stop her worrying about what will happen to her children when she is no longer around?

Success rates will depend on whether she’s using her own eggs or donor eggs. If donor eggs, success will be higher but the child won’t have a genetic mother or father in their life.

a support network is crucial for mental health. There’s usually lots of baby groups and socials for new Mums which is invaluable. She’ll need someone to bring round meals and just be there for her while she has a newborn.

Well yes, it's a bit of a slog and you do lose independence. But like, it doesn't take much to figure out that's going to be the case. Especially choosing to do it alone. Do you really think she hasn't thought about it? If you, as someone who's not got kids can work it out, do you not think someone going through a hard, expensive process to conceive would have thought it through?
She hasn't just gone out and got laid on a Friday and night and announced "oops but I'm sure it's easy!"

You're not obliged to offer more than you're happy to give op. This IS her choice and it oobligates no one to do anything they don't want to do.

No, but I bet knowing she can set up a financial trust to provide them with the care she chooses is less worrying than knowing they'll be left to the state to do with as they see fit.

It realistically gives her a ton more choices.
Not all professional carers are evil abusers or lazy takers.

A work colleague has her child from a donor and is very content. She had been pondering about this for quite a few years. As she didn´t settle with anyone she went it alone and it worked for them, her and her son. Lovely kid. Perfectly happy.
I had mine with a partner, and for various reasons sometimes wish I had had her on my own. On your own you depend on yourself, nobody disappoints you or leaves you hanging.

Honestly that's not helpful and frankly not fair. I worked in a disability team and the dedication and hard work that went into finding and sustaining support for people was inspiring.
You might as well say don't ever go to the GP because of Dr's who get thrown out of the BMA or never ever vote because of Donald Trump

Not your decision OP but FWIW my niece did this age 40 and is very happy. She managed to take a year's maternity leave with UC , savings and mat pay. Sorted a good nursery. Lives a long way from family but her parents travel regularly to spend a few days with them. Working 4 days a week and managing. She lives frugally in a 2 bed flat and regrets nothing.

Does she know the sperm donor?

I was a single parent of 2 very young children for many years.I had no family help. It is hard. It would be a lie to say it isn't but, just because something is hard doesn't mean you cant/ shouldn't do it . Learning to play the piano to concert level , impossible for me. Bringing up 2 small boys on my own entirely possible. They're 31and 33 now, married with small boys of their own who I look after on a Monday. Your friend is a 40 year old woman. Let her sort it out for herself.

The thing is NONE of us know the realities of parenting before we go into it, so her naivety is where we all once were pre kids! Obviously yes it's going to be harder doing it solo, with little family support, but you say she's gr at at making friends and putting herself out there, and that was really the most grounding thing for me when I became a parent. All the other mums I met at baby and toddler groups, became my village and my support network. If she can find people to connect with, the whole parting thing becomes a lot easier. She probably desperately wants this, so just be as supportive as you can, as we all know how tough it can be at times. Yes, she'll probably have moments of "why did I do this" like we all do, but becoming a mum is so important to those who want it, which it sounds like she absolutely does to be considering this option. Probably better considered than a vast number of unplanned pregnancies, where everything turns out fine in the end.

My friend did this and had a baby when she was 45. She is also freelance. She's made it work, she adores her son. They do everything together, they go away on holiday every school holiday.

For me the big caveat is that what will she do when he leaves home? She had just met someone just before IVF and had to choose him or continuing with IVF as obviously the man wasn't ready to commit to fatherhood after a 6 week relationship. She would have no time for a relationship now and I honestly think she loves spending all her time with her son.

@Bulbsbulbsbulbs I know someone who has done the same and her whole life is her son, but as he is getting older and wants to break away she is struggling and discouraging him from going away to university. It’s always been just the two of them and she hasn’t prepared for a life without him being around all the time or a life when he may get partner

She’s really not the worrying type! But they are in a position that they’ll never have to worry about getting a job or paying a mortgage, so I imagine that takes much of the pressure off!
She has several siblings who all have kids, so they will have “family” although I don’t personally think that replaces an actual father.

She’ll have a much better time than mums who are coparentinf with abusive High conflict men. I’m sure she’s thought it all through. Just Channel your worrying into going round with food and chore help when baby arrives. She may even be able to keep her lodger as baby will be in her room for the first three years probably. She’ll also probably get universal credit

Not good at all and very unfair on the child

Glad to hear you and your child are happy and supported. I am sure there are many with positive stories to tell.
However, equally, there are those who don't and the crucial factor is that some children don't even know who their biological father is which is a fundamental right.
Society is quick to vilify absent fathers whilst in reality, having a child with a sperm donor is effectively reducing the role of the father to just that, a sperm donor.
Happy families come in all shapes and sizes but children have 2 biological parents and they have a right to know who they are, irrespective of circumstances