Caught DP in act with flirty teams messages

[Hanwest]

DP finished work at 3.30 today (WFH this afternoon) but was still on his laptop after this as we are looking at holidays.

He showed me a hotel on his laptop and a message popped up which I read and was obviously not work related. So I asked him to click on it, after saying no he eventually agreed to let me read it.

I am paraphrasing from memory here, but it was along these lines:

Colleague - are you in the office tomorrow?
DP - should be, are you?
Colleague - Yeah, shame I didn’t see you today because that meeting was all morning, skiving again this afternoon I see
DP - miss me did you?
Colleague - well I am your work bestie
DP - if you say so
Colleague - if I have to deal with (man’s name) again this week I will cry
DP - You can put him in his place I’m sure
Colleague - I’ll put you in your place if you skive off again
DP - oh yeah…maybe I’d enjoy that
Colleague - Never had you down as a masochist
DP - i’d try anything once
Colleague - Oooh I’ll remember you said that (emoji)

Its the last message which I saw.

DP was messaging her whilst we were sat booking holidays. He thinks it’s ‘nothing’ and friendly banter with a colleague, who is in a relationship and obviously they are both joking. It’s not a direct colleague but someone in the wider department who sits close to him.

AIBU to find the exchange inappropriate?

Mine too!

It's very obviously inappropriate.

You don't have to find someone sexually attractive to flirt!

Indicating that you are sexually or romantically attracted to someone is the very definition of what flirting is. That is the whole point of it.

@Hanwest, that flirtatious exchange is charged and beyond inappropriate. Those two have quite the frisson going on. Your Partner didn’t want you to see their line-crossing dynamic and innuendos, and he is now trying to manipulate you with his minimizing spin. That he was carrying on his flirt-fest while right there booking holidays with you was highly disrespectful and degrading.

He is acting like a single guy and enjoying a mutual attraction and ego-stroking flirtation/connection with this colleague. This would be unacceptable in my monogamous relationship. My advice: Tell him that you’re not about to sit by while he makes a fool of you and a mockery of your relationship. He accepts responsibility and acknowledges his wrongdoing, shuts this down pronto, and makes amends with transparency or it’s game over.

Do they not realise how bad it is, the cringe?

Maybe not, or maybe cringe flirting is all they have in their repertoire? I agree it’s pretty embarrassing though

Would he say it to a male colleague?

If not it’s not “banter”

quite a simple rule

Right. If that's true, what's your point? You think the OP on this thread should recieve the same advice as on the other one? Or perhaps you think the woman in the other thread should have been told to tell her partner to leave her? No ones stopping you giving the advice you want on either thread if you disagree with other posters.

Most dictionary definitions of 'flirting' actually define it as behaving 'as if' you are sexually attracted to them, 'in a playful or non-serious way' or 'without real intent'.

The 'as if' part is key. You might genuinely be signalling sexual attraction, but it's just as often a case of pretending. That might be purely to manipulate someone into believing you really are attracted to them - for example, someone might flirt with a hotel receptionist in the hope of getting an upgraded room, or with a tradesperson hoping they'll prioritise your job over someone else's. But more often, there's just a mutual unspoken understanding with the other person that it's just a game and not genuine attraction, and that there's no real intent behind it.

I'm not making any judgements about the OP's husband's flirting either way; we obviously don't know whether it's a genuine attraction or a slightly cringy diversion, and the OP is perfectly entitled either way to be furious if that is her boundary.

But telling other posters that if they flirt they're breaking their marriage vows and that they must automatically be attempting to cheat with the person they're flirting with is just nonsense. It might not be something you could tolerate and that's totally fine, but it certainly doesn't indicate a 'non-exclusive' marriage at all.

Yes, it's inappropriate.

You know he's flirting with at least one coworker behind your back so he's likely the kind of guy who would cheat if he thought he could get away with it, even though he's dumb enough to do this on work chat. 🙄

What are you going to do about that?

I'm sorry but I don't agree with the " as if" get out clause

The bottom line is nobody irl flirts with someone they are not attracted to.

If your marriage model and anyone elses, allows signalling sexual attraction to third parties then fair enough.

But you only have to read MN threads to realise the amount of hurt, insecurity, and damage done to relationships when someone finds out their partner is flirting with a colleague, or a friend, or whoever. How can flirting be considered harmless and meaningless when it has the capacity to cause so much grief and damage to relationships?

I live on teams, lots and lots of friendly chat, most of my colleagues are men, none of the chat is like that and I’d shut down even a hint of that.

Workplaces can and do track this kind of thing. It’s not appropriate workplace chat and could easily result in disciplinary proceedings.

I also wouldn’t find it amusing or acceptable if my partner was chatting like this with a colleague.

Overall, just no, it’s icky.

All he needs to do is behave like that towards the wrong person and have a complaint made against him, and his history could be reviewed.
It would be so easy to uphold a grievance against him.
He's so dumb.

The fact he didn't want you to see tells you everything you need to know.

How are things going now, @Hanwest?

I engage in lots of Teams and WhatsApp chat with colleagues. We may rant, swear, joke and we all use the heart emoji. Sometimes even an x or two but never icky, flirty banter like that. We hug when we greet each other. I care deeply about and value lots of my colleagues, and once you cross the line, even just with banter, it sullys even an otherwise innocent friendship imo. I travel with work and might end up having dinner or a drink with a male colleague and I’d never want that situation to become one where someone has the wrong idea.

I think men and women can be great friends but that means having firm boundaries.
For me those are - no offloading about your marriage, no icky flirting that crosses the line, no getting drunk. Shutting down any inappropriateness.