Caught DP in act with flirty teams messages

[Hanwest]

DP finished work at 3.30 today (WFH this afternoon) but was still on his laptop after this as we are looking at holidays.

He showed me a hotel on his laptop and a message popped up which I read and was obviously not work related. So I asked him to click on it, after saying no he eventually agreed to let me read it.

I am paraphrasing from memory here, but it was along these lines:

Colleague - are you in the office tomorrow?
DP - should be, are you?
Colleague - Yeah, shame I didn’t see you today because that meeting was all morning, skiving again this afternoon I see
DP - miss me did you?
Colleague - well I am your work bestie
DP - if you say so
Colleague - if I have to deal with (man’s name) again this week I will cry
DP - You can put him in his place I’m sure
Colleague - I’ll put you in your place if you skive off again
DP - oh yeah…maybe I’d enjoy that
Colleague - Never had you down as a masochist
DP - i’d try anything once
Colleague - Oooh I’ll remember you said that (emoji)

Its the last message which I saw.

DP was messaging her whilst we were sat booking holidays. He thinks it’s ‘nothing’ and friendly banter with a colleague, who is in a relationship and obviously they are both joking. It’s not a direct colleague but someone in the wider department who sits close to him.

AIBU to find the exchange inappropriate?

Sounds as though it's just as well it has been.

Yup, up to that point the DH seemed to be deflecting the attempt at flirty banter then suddenly did a 180 and went full on into it. Bleurgh.

I'm torn.

DH and I work for the same company and I would have the same convo your DH had with one of our mutual (male colleagues). I've had very similar. DH has seen them and is aware and has no issue with it.

HOWEVER you clearly do have issues with it and that makes it inappropriate. Every couple has to have their own boundaries about these things and those should be respected.

Yeah he’s flirting. And his work can see it . Why do people talk this shit on Teams? 🤣 I refuse to write much via Teams

Yuk. Yes it’s inappropriate.

He wasn’t flirting up until “I might enjoy that”, that was flirting.
I’d nip that right in the bud now.
The fact he also said no to opening the message does indicate he knew you wouldn’t like what you saw.
I hope he hasn’t then minimised it/called you crazy blah blah boring men drivel.

It’s so cringe worthy and embarrassing. Not an appropriate way to speak to a colleague at all.

I have male comments where we have flirty banter and it literally means nothing. Would I try and hide it from DH though? Probably not but because I don't think he would care.

Why on earth bother taking wedding vows if you are going to flirt with other men?
Even if your marriage isn't exclusive what do the wives and partners of these men you are flirting with think of you sending these messages?
And what happened to professionalism? Doesn't your flirting detract from your ability to do your job properly?

Even if your marriage isn't exclusive what do the wives and partners of these men you are flirting with think of you sending these messages?

Where did she say ‘these men’ had wives and partners? You do know single men exist in workplaces, right?

I also don’t think flirting, on its own, means the marriage isn’t ‘exclusive’. As @Flymehomejeff said - to her, it means nothing. It doesn’t mean she wants to have an affair or anything else. To her and her partner, they’re just harmless words, and that’s up to them. You look after your own marriage and she can look after hers.

Personally, I wouldn’t say either I or my DP flirt with colleagues (except each other - we currently work at the same place) but we both definitely exchange jokey messages with colleagues and we each have work friends of the opposite sex and it’s totally fine. Everyone’s different and everyone has their own level of trust in their relationship.

How old is she? Seems very childish flirting

He wouldn't message a man that so they're obviously flirting

Bit stupid of them both to do that on company Teams.

Where did she say ‘these men’ had wives and partners? You do know single men exist in workplaces, right?
She doesn't say whether they are single or in relationships. I'm assuming that as being married doesn't stop her from flirting with other men she probably doesn't think their marital or relationship status is of any importance.

Of course the poster and her H are entitled to whatever boundaries they decide in their marriage. But when people flirt with others it is because they find them sexually attractive. And to me expressing your sexual attraction to someone one other than your spouse is not in kilter with a monogamous relationship.

And I don't think flirting in the workplace is conducive to a professional atmosphere. Surely good working relationships should be based on ability to do the job and not on sexual attraction for your colleagues.

I don’t know that this would bother me, but then I flirt with colleagues all the time. Work is boring, it makes the day go quicker 😂 doesn’t mean I want to or would ever shag any of them!

I don’t do it on Teams though…

I wonder what the employer would think about it?

I'm assuming that as being married doesn't stop her from flirting with other men she probably doesn't think their marital or relationship status is of any importance.

You’re not in a position to assume anything.

And to me expressing your sexual attraction to someone one other than your spouse is not in kilter with a monogamous relationship.

Key words there being ‘to me’. Like I said - if that’s what it means to you then don’t do it in your marriage. But it doesn’t mean that to everyone.

And I don't think flirting in the workplace is conducive to a professional atmosphere. Surely good working relationships should be based on ability to do the job and not on sexual attraction for your colleagues.

Flirting with colleagues works out well for the millions of people - me included - who meet their partners through work. Twenty-three years and counting for me and my DP since our eyes met across a dull open plan office.

If work is the most important thing in your life and you are dead set on giving every single molecule of yourself to your employer every day and being ‘professional’ is your life’s greatest joy, great. Most people like to retain a bit of their humanity and sense of fun though.

My money’s on the employer not giving a shit.

He's a creep.
He think thats normal?
Right.
I hope you haven't children.
Rethink this.
It would give me the total ick.
He's a chancer and game to mess about like all creeps that grab the first chance to be suggestive.

Why is this type of ‘banter’ always so cringe? He sounds like a twat.

That’s a bit harsh 😅

Years ago, we were told to imagine driving down the road and seeing our email or whatever up on a billboard. If it would make you cringe, don't send it. I think both your husband and his colleague are shockingly unprofessional. Really, he should stop it if he values his job and his relationship. Banter at work is just an excuse to behave badly.

Because only creeps indulge in it and it must be mortifying to know your partner is THAT creep in the office, sniffing around women.
I would be mortified if I was the OP, hence the total Ick.

Hmmmm, it’s not ideal but on its own I don’t think I’d be too bothered.

To be fair the cringe banter is going in two directions so I’m not sure I’d call him a creep. They seem equally flirty to me.