How to deal with unreasonable Dh

[samspotato]

I know I’m not being unreasonable here but I’d like tips on how to deal with Dh. Overall he’s helpful but he can be grumpy. He can snap and kick off over very trivial things and in the past I have fallen into the trap of arguing with him. Now I just walk off.

This morning I asked him about a DIY job he was supposed to have done a while ago. Immediately he goes on the defence and starts shouting about how he hasn’t had time. I calmly said that’s fine but when do you think you might find time. At this point he starts slamming about, swearing and acting like a general loud mouth idiot. At this point I turned to walk out of the door for work and left him to his ranting.

I won’t make contact with him but I know if I go home tonight and say his behaviour was unreasonable he will kick off again. If I go home and act normal he’ll be fine but will have gotten away with an outburst again.

How would you deal with such behaviour?

Not make him any dinner or do washing and tell him you’ll do it when you have time

I told him if he hadn’t done it after a year I was going to get someone in.

he didn’t do it
i got someone in

Thats an idea. I may arrange someone to do the work but that doesn’t solve the problem of his severe attitude problem. I feel like the only options I have are to argue back about why it’s unacceptable or ignore him which kind of feels like he’s getting let off the hook.

This is no way to live. Do you have kids who are in the middle of this? He's literally training you to accept his behaviour and from what you've written you can see that.

You have 2 more options
Leave him now.
Tell him to get some professional help for his anger or your relationship is over.

I agree with PP: you don't have to put up with any of it. Imagine how peaceful your life could be without him.

Awful behaviour. Does he shout at his boss or clients when they ask him to complete tasks?

Would he listen if you tell him it’s not working for you unless he addresses this and gets therapy?

I don’t think there’s anything you can do to change a person who thinks they’re entitled to shout at you, be rude to you, treat you unfairly, use you as an emotional punching back, treat you so disrespectfully. I mean, honestly, I just wouldn’t put up with it. I deserve better.

If I was going to threaten to leave I would have to mean it and be in a position to leave. I do work but only part time and he earns at least 3 x more than me. I have dc to support. And actually other than these occasional outbursts he isn’t a bad Dh. He does his fair share in the house, provides financially and helps with the dc. But when he acts like this it does make me question things. The reality is I just couldn’t cope on my own at this point. I have no family support.

Do you feel scared op when he kicks off like a teen?

If you divorce due to his abuse he would still work, run his own house and parent his kids (not just 'help') and all marital assets would be divided.

I don't accept shit male behaviour, having been made to endure an angry, tense house as a child, it's an immediate no as an adult. The merest hint of anger, sulking, manipulation etc. and a man would never see or hear from me again.

You can choose a life of happiness.

Op your language re getting away with it and calmly asked him when he will get round to it struck me as a little bit school maam. In my experience men hate that approach lol.
If you are not scared when he gets upset, then perhaps try the make him feel like a hero approach next time. ;)

By leaving?

He doesn’t respect you.

This sounds counter intuitive because he’s acting like an arse but could he be stressed? I would say to him, don’t worry about that job, I’ll get someone in to do it, take it off your list and then open a conversation about if he’s coping and how you could both stop him becoming overwhelmed and acting like a dick in future.

I would call someone to do the job done or get a divorce.

Ethil (great name btw) she already said she can't leave yet.

Oh jeez! I had one of them and I divorced him, it felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I have never been happier!

Fuck putting up with a grumpy man who strops and shouts all the time.

Very difficult OP, but you are 100% in a domestic abuse situation.
I think long term planning to get out would bd good.
Work towards going back to work full-time and working on financial security.
How long are you married and what ages are the children?

I would tell him that I no longer choose to be married to someone who "snaps" and "kicks off" or slams about and swears, because this is setting a terrible example to the children you are raising and you want them, and you to be able to live in peace.

He will need to acknowledge his anger problem and address his behaviour with professional help, or be prepared to make arrangements for a divorce. And mean it.

I would tell him to grow up or I would leave him.

If I go home and act normal he’ll be fine but will have gotten away with an outburst again.

He also doesn't have to do the task.

This is controlling behaviour OP. You say that overall he's pretty good so I perhaps it's fairly limited, but it 100% is controlling - he is making it clear that you dn't get to question him or have opinions and he only does the things he wants to do because if he doesn't wnat to do them, he can have a tantrum and you will walk away and then never ask him again. Win for him.

IMHO This is terrible advice.

Why pander to appalling behaviour?

Just get someone in to do the work. Make sure he pays his share of the cost, move on with your lives.

If you find his behaviour in this part of your relationship bothersome, then speak up.

It really is not fair on your kids to see this kind of dynamic going on. Don't fool yourself that's okay.

Hello reality check.

Women can be easy too.
I don't know the full situation
Maybe the husband thinks being shouty is normal. Maybe he's having a bad day. Maybe OP is not scared. From a careful reading of her initial post she sounds in control.
She asked for a strategy to deal with his tantrum. I offered a suggestion. She States he's mainly sound.

I don't think it was terrible advice. I'm out.

Oops arsy not easy.

Alright, so you don't want to end the relationship right now. Would you be able to talk to him about getting professional help to manage his anger? Not as a threat, 'do this or I'll leave' kind of way. But in a this isn't good for either of us, our relationship, the DC, I want us to be happy together... kind of way.

Personally I think you should separate while ever he can't control his temper - temporarily if he gets help and shows improvement, permanently if he refuses. You say you have kids to support - you're thinking about the practical realities of supporting them. What about their emotional wellbeing and future mental health? Their future relationships with you? With their future partners? This place is full of posts from adult children in a mess, hurt that their mothers chose abusive men over them. Obviously it's not that black and white from your perspective, but that's how children think, and how the adults they grow up to be continue to view situations like yours

He sounds awful and you shouldn’t feel used to be shouted at, but in terms of short-term behaviour management I’d flip the conversation and get him to in interrogate his response. Stay neutral but ask the questions. “Do you think your response was proportionate?” “How do you suggest we communicate on things like this?” “Why do you go straight to anger when I ask about household tasks?” Perhaps not as leading as that but hopefully that’ll give way to productive conversation. Being generous we could say he’s stressed, but I bet he manages to keep his reactions under control around others or at work. He feels justified in shouting at you and that’s not ok.