How to deal with unreasonable Dh

[samspotato]

I know I’m not being unreasonable here but I’d like tips on how to deal with Dh. Overall he’s helpful but he can be grumpy. He can snap and kick off over very trivial things and in the past I have fallen into the trap of arguing with him. Now I just walk off.

This morning I asked him about a DIY job he was supposed to have done a while ago. Immediately he goes on the defence and starts shouting about how he hasn’t had time. I calmly said that’s fine but when do you think you might find time. At this point he starts slamming about, swearing and acting like a general loud mouth idiot. At this point I turned to walk out of the door for work and left him to his ranting.

I won’t make contact with him but I know if I go home tonight and say his behaviour was unreasonable he will kick off again. If I go home and act normal he’ll be fine but will have gotten away with an outburst again.

How would you deal with such behaviour?

I'd deal it by choosing a calm moment, when you're both chilling or doing a relaxing activity together and telling him that you need to talk about how you communicate with each other, because being shouted at doesn't work for you.

My DH occasionally did this in the early days, mainly due to stress and a lack of ability/confidence, but a combination of calm discussions and firm boundaries on my part soon sorted it out. A large part of the issue was that he really struggles with DIY due to lack of skills and confidence, so we ended up doing some tasks together and some I do alone (I'm much more confident, intuitively competent at DIY and really enjoy it) it's 2026 and there's no reason that DIY should be a man's job, unless they're otherwise lazy around the house. I hate cleaning so DH does most of that and other household tasks are shared. He's also a hands on dad and always has been (kids are 30+ now). We both always worked full time.

We're still happily together 35 years later, and he hasn't raised his voice to me for at least the last 30 years.

I’m not scared of him at all. If anything I find it deeply unattractive and quite repugnant but definitely not frightening. It’s just ridiculous how a grown man can act like a stroppy teen. I do think it’s a mixture of stress and defensiveness but it’s not ok.

Im not great with being criticized and I've done some ridiculous things when stressed, mostly involving quaffing way too much Chardonnay, toy v great shame. :(

Tut, to my v great shame.

Then you have to put up with it.

This is one of those posts where you want someone else to change but aren't prepared to change yourself.

If you want to stay with him then this is your life. It's bad for the children. You should leave for them if you can't do it for yourself.

To answer the last question, I would sod off back to my own country, have my own apartment and life and enjoy the peace.
He can FO with that attitude.

I think you need to calmly talk to him about it sometime when it's not a live issue. Tell him that when you ask questions it's not a criticism, it's an honest, curious request for information. Ask him why he feels like it's an attack or is questioning him in some way

Have you sat down with him at any point and told him you can't put up with this behaviour any longer?

Send him a text to say that his behaviour is abusive and he needs to get anger management to deal with his nasty outbursts towards you, as you are not prepared to put up with it any longer.

OP has already said she is prepared to put up with it though.

Sadly, I don't believe we can change other people's behaviour.

I understand why you don't want to leave right now, but I do think, at some point, this will become unbearable for you.

With that in mind, I would say don't engage for the moment. It's only going to cause you stress and possibly the kids if they're around.

Longer term, I would say look now to increase your earning/hours and look at how you could manage without him.

"If a man says he'll fix it, he will.
There's no need to remind him every 6 months."

I’m in the same position OP. I think if I was financially independent the end would definitely be nigh but right now that’s just not realistic so my aim is getting the house onto a more even keel so these attitudes and moods aren’t around the children. The reality though is that we are not having sex rn as I’ve lost all attraction to him as a result of these moods

My dh striped our bathroom, so it was bare plaster walls and floorboards. After a few months family and friends started writing humorous verses on the walls. At times I'd ask when or if he ever intended decorating and he'd become angry.
After almost two and a half years I got a decorator, plumber and tiler in to finish the job. He wasn't impressed, but now knows what I'll do if he can't be bothered!

I suppose he acts like he knows you can’t/won’t leave him. For so long as that’s the case, I don’t think he will change and the onot sensible advice for you is to work on accepting this side of him.

It’s lovely notion to think any person can just up and leave with their dc whenever shit hits the fan but in reality when there is no money and support it’s not always the best or most sensible thing to do.

His behaviour is appalling. But as I said it’s only a small part of his personality. I know the default response on MN is LTB but again, in reality there are other things to consider too.

Anyway thank you to the posters who gave balanced replies. I will be having a calm chat with him later.

I will be having a calm chat with him later.

The whole point of your thread is that you said you are not able to do that.

'I know if I go home tonight and say his behaviour was unreasonable he will kick off again'

'If I go home and act normal he’ll be fine but will have gotten away with an outburst again'

So in reality you are going to say nothing.

There are a world of approaches in-between telling him his behaviour is unreasonable and 'acting normal'.

Many people would be on the defensive if a conversation begins with the former, which makes a calm, open discussion more difficult, but opening a discussion about how they both communicate, about how she feels when shouted at, or many other approaches, is likely to lead to a better outcome than arriving home with 'hi, your behaviour was really unreasonable this morning!'.

Do you have kids?

Sorry-I see that you do have children. Is this the sort of relationship you want them to have in the future? Your sons being aggressive bullies and your daughters being cowed appeasers?

Ok thank you for your helpful predictions about what I am and am not going to do.

I don't need to predict, I'm just going on what you have said yourself.

Look, you know it's abusive behaviour and you know you need to leave. You can't do it today but today you can start making plans.

By saying that you won't leave, we can all 'predict' that this situation will continue.

You can definitely decide that this is not acceptable, not how you want to spend the rest of your life, dodging the angry unpredictable moods of the life partner you chose.

He is responsible for his behaviour and choices, as you are for yours. See a solicitor, find out what financial position you would be in, and even if it's slowly but surely, manouvre yourself in that direction. While you're in the position where he knows you can't leave, his behaviour is really unlikely to change, and it might even be exacerbating things, depending on what he's playing at.

It's not easy to leave with small children, it's very difficult. But the longer you leave it the harder it will be, for many reasons. It's also hard to stay, and you can't wind the clock back and get back these years. Choose your hard.