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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU/clingy/controlling to want more evenings together when partner drinks daily?

45 replies

EasternConference · 16/03/2026 08:12

I feel like I’m a really needy partner. I’ve been with my partner for around 3 years and we’ve got a baby together. From day 1, my partner was a really active person and participated in a variety of different sports. I have hobbies but only workout 2 times a week.

We both work full time and then do various things separately in the evenings - either sports or my reading group. Hes out 5 nights a week with sports, and I’m out 1 or 2 for reading group and maybe the gym.

My partner has always drank. He drinks everyday. He doesn’t get drunk, but he pops out to his friends or the pub every day for a drink.

It’s very rare for us to have an evening together and even then he will pop out to the pub. He’s not gone ages, the pub is at the top of our road. So typically he goes for around an hour.

I feel like I can’t never fully relax into our evenings because I know he’s waiting to go for a drink. This week has been full on, he says he’s been really stressed because he’s not sleeping properly at night. This has caused repeated arguments throughout the week, for example, if I ask him to put the dishwasher on “can’t you see I’m exhausted?”, being short with DC/me, arguing over little stuff. He sulks for days after a disagreement so I feel like we’ve just been passing ships in the night.

Yesterday I had to go to my mums for Mother’s Day which is a 2 hour drive. He wanted to go to a football match so he didn’t come with (fine). I got back to the house at 8, put DC to bed and sat with partner. We had a lovely conversation and I did feel connected to him, after 20 mins he said “I’m just nipping to the pub”. I didn’t say anything because didn’t want to ruin the conversation we’d just had.

He was gone for an hour. I text him asking him to come back. He got back 30 mins later and said “you’re not pissed off are you?”

I said I was a bit because I wanted to spend some time just together. His response was basically, you think I’m an alcohol, I’m allowed to do what I want, how are we not connected when we’ve been having sex, I feel anxious every time I leave the house because I know you’re going to be pissed off

I tried to explain it puts me on edge because even when we have a free evening together (rare) I know he’s going to go out for some of it to have a drink. And it’s not just once. Sometimes he’ll go around 6pm and then again at 10pm.

He said in had a problem with him drinking and said I just don’t like him leaving the house to have a life. That I should enjoy what we do have and feel very lucky that we go to bed together and live together. That I need to stop focusing on the bad and look at the positive.

am I being controlling?

OP posts:
Menopausio · 16/03/2026 08:15

He is very selfish isnt he?
No you are not being controlling.

DinahCat · 16/03/2026 08:18

Your partner may or may not be an alcoholic but he's certainly addicted to going out for a drink.

And as for being too "exhausted" to sort the dishwasher?? Please! That's absolutely pitiful.

This is not normal OP, he is extraordinarily rude and a useless partner. And as for bis parenting (assuming the kids are his) apparently non-existent. I cannot understand why you put up with it.

Eenameenadeeka · 16/03/2026 08:19

I really don't think you are being needy, it's not wrong to want to spend time together and he goes out a lot, I think a couple of times a week is okay but he's out a whole lot with little time for you.

DinahCat · 16/03/2026 08:20

And "controlling" is something men accuse women of when the women ask them to act like adults not 13 year olds.

How he holds his head up I do not know

DownTurpinRoad · 16/03/2026 08:22

He’s out 5 nights a week, pub every night, goes to a football match rather than spends Mother’s Day with you…read this back. He’s not good partner, is he?

CoyGoldenKoi · 16/03/2026 08:23

Him: "You think I'm an alcohol(ic)"

Rest of world: "well, you drink compulsively every day and get upset if you can't have your drug of choice. Yes, that's addictive behaviour and a problem"

It might only be one/two a night, but the behaviours around it do suggest that he falls well into the "problem drinking" category at least.

Also: "we have sex so everything's fine" - seriously that's how he sees the entirety of your relationship? And you don't think you deserve better?

Sulking for days is a massive red flag too.

What you're asking for is not needy at all, it's basic.

PollyBell · 16/03/2026 08:25

Well yes it is controlling no matter how people dress it up but ypu also had a baby with an alcoholic so this specimen of a man will be in your child's life from now on

You can't control another adult but you dont have to stay and put up with it but he will have access

UninitendedShark · 16/03/2026 08:29

He’s an alcoholic. Do with that information what you will but if you stay with him you need to reconcile that he will always choose alcohol over you and your child.

ThatJadeLion · 16/03/2026 08:30

Alcohol dependent. I'd consider my options and I don't often say that lighly.

sunsetsites · 16/03/2026 08:32

I mean what’s the point in a relationship?
You literally don’t spend any time together by choice, genuinely what’s the point?

4wardlooking · 16/03/2026 08:38

@EasternConference he sometimes goes at 6pm and then again at 10pm on the same evening, yeah that’s odd. He’s either going for a top-up for his alcohol problem or he likes the barmaid?

With drinking every night, it’s no wonder he has trouble sleeping, which then has a knock-on effect to his daily life with you. Too tired to participate, but just enough energy to get himself back to the pub to start the whole ‘miserable’ cycle again.

He needs to abstain for a while to see if things between you improve. Put it to him if he’s not an alcoholic not going to the pub for a week shouldn’t be an issue. If he can’t do it, then decide on your next steps.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/03/2026 08:39

He may have a problem with drink or he may just be avoiding childcare or intimacy.

But it almost doesn’t matter: the question is what are you getting out of this? And as far as I can see the answer is not much. Either he has an incipient drink problem or he’s not hands on and not committed to the relationship.

He’s not doing anything to help, he’s a man child who cries about being tired (and you’re not?) he’s out every night and he’s not prioritising the relationship with you. It doesn’t sound like he was ready for fatherhood.

Do you work? Can you support yourself on your own? I would be making plans to leave if I were you. I don’t think this will get better and you will probably cope better on your own.

Thepeopleversuswork · 16/03/2026 08:42

Sorry I missed the fact that you work. That’s good. I would be looking for the exit.

Mumofoneandone · 16/03/2026 08:49

Maybe it's a relief he's only a partner! Depending on house ownership/rental, you need to put plans in place to separate.
He's an alcoholic.
He resents spending time at home/with you/your child.
He sulks when you raise anything with him.
He thinks living together and having sex should be enough to keep you happy.
He's living a single mans life with the convenience of someone to look after the house and sleep with!
You deserve better.

Rowley456 · 16/03/2026 08:50

If I tried to behave in a similar manner in my relationship, my partner would have been out the door a long time ago. He has a problem which he need's to address. He doesn't sound particularly receptive to accepting it though...

Wishing14 · 16/03/2026 08:59

I worked in a pub from a young age, 12/ 13 (back when you were able to) and even as a young girl I despised these men, who were always in the pub despite having a wife and baby or kids at home. If I knew then, I sure as hell know now - you are NOT being unreasonable. He is trying to deflect it onto you (E.g. You are the problem because you are controlling/ don't like him having a social life) etc. He knows he has a problem deep down, you know he has a problem, and every person who sees him going into the pub every day knows it too, including the bar staff.

What message will that send to your children when they are old enough to understand?

Some alcoholics like to drink around other people because then they don't feel they have a problem - they can say its about the socialising, when that is really not the case. Ultimately, its a habit that turns into an addiction. DO NOT let him gaslight you or turn the scenario around so its a you problem, that you are controlling. You are absolutely not. I think you need to have a long think about what you want and your boundaries. But until a person really wants to change they won't do it, unfortunately. So you can only think what you want for you and your child...

DontbesorrybeGiles · 16/03/2026 09:14

He’s an alcoholic. He knows it deep down but it’s easier to be defensive and angry with you for noticing than it is to admit it to himself and do something about it.
You don’t sound clingy or controlling at all. Your relationship sounds deeply depressing. He spends almost zero time with you, and when he does, he’s just waiting to get out of the house. He doesn’t help you, he sulks and is rude, and it’s all about him and his feelings and needs. I also wouldn’t want an alcoholic anywhere near my baby so I’m guessing the childcare all falls to you.
I would seriously think about making a plan to leave. There’s no way this will get better unless he wants it to. Your baby will get older and more aware that their dad doesn’t want to spend time with them. I’m very sorry that you are in this situation.

nochance17 · 16/03/2026 09:14

**
He said i had a problem with him drinking and said I just don’t like him leaving the house to have a life. That I should enjoy what we do have and feel very lucky that we go to bed together and live together. That I need to stop focusing on the bad and look at the positive.
am I being controlling?

You are not being controlling, he is giving you breadcrumbs. Why should you feel lucky that you live together and go to bed together I mean wtf surely that’s a given in an adult committed relationship. He is a functioning alcoholic. He won’t be able to sleep well if he is drinking every day. Either that or he is popping out to see another woman who is close by, bit of a red flag for him to say you should feel lucky to go to bed with him, is there someone else who is more grateful for this ? Men who keep ‘popping out’ and don’t mind upsetting their partner to do this tend to be cheaters, it could be the alcohol but it could also be something else. He says you need to look at the positive so what is that ? At the moment he has a drink problem, doesn’t help around the house or focus on quality time with you and your baby, didn’t spend Mother’s Day with you (or his own mother so what is his relationship with his own family like? and was he really at the football?) gaslights you when you question him and isn’t making an effort to meet your needs. He sounds selfish and arrogant. As your DC is a baby you have years of this ahead of you. You need a serious conversation with him and say this is not how you want to live and see if he is prepared to work on his alcoholism and give more to family life. If not you might as well be a single parent as you are doing everything anyway and you will be happier without his bullshit.

pontipinemum · 16/03/2026 09:16

That would really piss me off!!

I would be annoyed if he went to the pub and drank coke for at least an hour every single night. It doesn't sound like it is about the alcohol.

You very understandably want to have a night in together. Ye both do a lot of hobbies too and you want to just 'be' together. Totally understand that.

For DH and myself I have 2 nights at things most weeks. The other nights we watch a series or chat.

ElectoralControversy · 16/03/2026 09:25

Does he drink in the house at all?
Trying to figure out whether this is alcohol driven or whether he just really doesn't like your company...

NerrSnerr · 16/03/2026 09:39

If he is out so much when does he have time to care for the baby or are you doing it all?

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 16/03/2026 09:41

What’s your accommodation situation?

Janey90 · 16/03/2026 09:42

DinahCat · 16/03/2026 08:20

And "controlling" is something men accuse women of when the women ask them to act like adults not 13 year olds.

How he holds his head up I do not know

This. Accusing a partner of being 'controlling' is a cheap shot from a man who is being asked to behave decently.

Remember the Victorians accused women of being hysterical if they ever got annoyed???

Thundertoast · 16/03/2026 09:42

Can I ask you, do you also have a parent who has an issue with alcohol? It isnt your fault, but as most people would have realised this man was an alcoholic within weeks, im just wondering what 'normal' looks like to you, because this isnt it and you need to ignore anyone in your life who might tell you it is because of their own drinking.

PrizedPickledPopcorn · 16/03/2026 09:44

There’s a lot of DARVO in his behaviour. You raise a concern, he accuses you of being controlling, are accusing him of be8ng an alcoholic, he’s not allowed a life, etc etc.

Presumably he goes out assuming you will be in to watch his child. Do you assume he will be in whenever you go out, or do you have to check?

He’s training you to accept whatever shitty behaviour without complaint. Complaining gets you punished- accused of bad behaviour and then silent treatment.