AIBU/clingy/controlling to want more evenings together when partner drinks daily?

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I feel like I’m a really needy partner. I’ve been with my partner for around 3 years and we’ve got a baby together. From day 1, my partner was a really active person and participated in a variety of different sports. I have hobbies but only workout 2 times a week.

We both work full time and then do various things separately in the evenings - either sports or my reading group. Hes out 5 nights a week with sports, and I’m out 1 or 2 for reading group and maybe the gym.

My partner has always drank. He drinks everyday. He doesn’t get drunk, but he pops out to his friends or the pub every day for a drink.

It’s very rare for us to have an evening together and even then he will pop out to the pub. He’s not gone ages, the pub is at the top of our road. So typically he goes for around an hour.

I feel like I can’t never fully relax into our evenings because I know he’s waiting to go for a drink. This week has been full on, he says he’s been really stressed because he’s not sleeping properly at night. This has caused repeated arguments throughout the week, for example, if I ask him to put the dishwasher on “can’t you see I’m exhausted?”, being short with DC/me, arguing over little stuff. He sulks for days after a disagreement so I feel like we’ve just been passing ships in the night.

Yesterday I had to go to my mums for Mother’s Day which is a 2 hour drive. He wanted to go to a football match so he didn’t come with (fine). I got back to the house at 8, put DC to bed and sat with partner. We had a lovely conversation and I did feel connected to him, after 20 mins he said “I’m just nipping to the pub”. I didn’t say anything because didn’t want to ruin the conversation we’d just had.

He was gone for an hour. I text him asking him to come back. He got back 30 mins later and said “you’re not pissed off are you?”

I said I was a bit because I wanted to spend some time just together. His response was basically, you think I’m an alcohol, I’m allowed to do what I want, how are we not connected when we’ve been having sex, I feel anxious every time I leave the house because I know you’re going to be pissed off

I tried to explain it puts me on edge because even when we have a free evening together (rare) I know he’s going to go out for some of it to have a drink. And it’s not just once. Sometimes he’ll go around 6pm and then again at 10pm.

He said in had a problem with him drinking and said I just don’t like him leaving the house to have a life. That I should enjoy what we do have and feel very lucky that we go to bed together and live together. That I need to stop focusing on the bad and look at the positive.

am I being controlling?

Does he come straight home from work?

Is he there for mealtimes with DC and take turns doing bath/bed?

If he's there for the parent stuff I'd be more relaxed that he's nipping the pub for a pint a couple of times a week. Do you plan one night a week for you both when DC has gone to bed?

It's about balance and all getting your needs met. But if he's skipping parental stuff, skipping being a good parent and pulling him weight then time to sit down and have a chat about what you both expect.

Does he do coke?

Because I’m a recovering alcoholic and a lot of people who properly have drinking problems drink at home. They don’t nip out to the pub twice in one night. They drink vodka or cheap wine at home when their partners aren’t looking.

But nipping out to the pub regularly for short stints totally screams just running out to meet my dealer to me.

Also the alcohol will absolutely be why he’s exhausted. I had no idea how poor my sleep habits were until I stopped drinking.

Yeah, this doesn't sound healthy in any sense. He can't go a day without a drink and he doesn't really enjoy spending time with you, it would appear.

I have absolutely no problem spending time apart from my DP. I like my own space and he likes his. But we wouldn't really have much of a relationship if we were effectively apart every single evening.

I wouldn’t really care if he wanted a drink every night and wasn’t getting drunk but absolutely ridiculous to have to leave the house to have that drink for minimum an hour every night at the local pub!

Just get a few beers in the fridge and if he fancies one as you’re watching a film or whatever then he can have that instead of going to the pub.

Also, how much must he be spending on alcohol?!

It's not just the alcohol though. It's the "popping out" whenever he fancies and for as long as he fancies. He's basically setting up an expectation that he can do as he pleases and live as a single man with the convenience of a partner at home. Whereas the expectation of you is that you are always around to mind the child and keep the dishwasher loaded.

What would he say if you started announcing you were "popping out" in the evenings?

No, you're not being controlling. But if you stay with a problem drinker you'll likely end up being convinced you are.
Your partner is not offering you the life you want. His drinking, hobbies and social life are more important to him than time with you. Some people can live like that, because they're similar. Most want more from a relationship.
Unfortunately though, you can't force someone to want to be with you when they'd prefer to be elsewhere, and the drinking adds a complication.
If he doesn't change of his own free will, and you want a better life, you will end up separating. This is inevitable. So your choice really is whether you bring this on sooner or later.

You are not being unreasonable. It might be worth trying some of the following before giving up:

• Get him to agree to one night a week as ‘date night’ either you both stay in or get a babysitter and both go out
• Push back on his ‘won’t help cause too tired’ attitude towards the dishwasher et al - ‘well of course you are tired because you drink too much so don’t sleep well. If you don’t want to fix it, your choice, but it doesn’t make it my problem’. When he accuses you of nagging / complaining: ‘no, not at all, you life, your choices - YOU are the one complaining about doing your fair share’.
• Go out for four/five days or more on the bounce in the evening until bed time. More gym sessions, see friends, cinema whatever. So he CAN’T go drinking due to babysitting. Any complaints ‘well there’s no point staying at home cause you will just leave and I need adult interaction. If you want to spend the evening together just tell me when and I’ll keep it free’. Or ‘ok, fair enough you need some free time too - which night do you want to go drinking and what time and I’ll make sure I am home to babysit then’. He might see being out every night is not reasonable when he is on the receiving end.

I thought same is there a barmaid or a certain person he likes to meet

It's very strange that he goes to the pub every day. Is it like a badge of honour for him? It's not normal to go to the pub every day. It's not normal to be so twitchy about going to the pub that he can't spend more than 20 mins with you without wanting to go. I think you are under reacting to be honest. Is this really how you want to live the rest of your life?

Oh and the sulking for days is a massive red flag for abusive behaviour.

Poor baby growing up with a dad who
prefers the pub and booze to baby.

Leave him now before your baby notices what a loser his dad is.

He's an alcoholic and he won't admit it. He's then gaslighting you, by projecting his subconscious guilt and insecurities onto you. Tell him if he doesn't go to his GP, AA, and rehab etc then you are going to walk, or he can leave. You will become his door mat if he doesn't help himself first.

In relationships like this I find it's useful to list what the good things he brings to the table. If not enough, then perhaps it's time to move on.
Sorry OP, your reasonable request is being turned against you, you know when they do this that they are aware they are acting badly, just don't care enough to stop.

So this was your first Mother's Day and he didn't spend it with you and your baby. What an arse! I really feel for you. You are not needy, he still behaves as if he were a single man, not a family man. If he doesn't want to change his ways or recognise how bad his behaviour is then you are better off without him.

He's unbelievably arrogant. Like you're supposed to worship him because you live together, sleep in the same bed and have sex. Wow! He certainly thinks he's God's gift to you.

and/or he is a highly avoidant personality who doesn't / can't do intimacy
and/or he is a self-hating closet-case - both can be true.

either way or neither way (yes, he may be an alcoholic/having a "thing" with the barmaid/meeting his dealer), you are being gaslighted and currently you are set for a life of misery with this man.
I'd start seriously planning your exit.

He’s definitely an alcoholic. Iv seen it with my mates. He or you need to sort this out asap. I’m sorry but no normal drinker goes to the pub every evening. Even if it’s just up the road. He knows it annoys you but does it anyway. He’s relationship with alcohol is stronger than his relationship with you

I thought coke too….would make sense why hes popping out and not drinking at home

What was life like before you had a baby? Did he still nip out? Did you have evenings together more regularly? Just wondering if there has been a change of behaviour following something that could have provoked this? Aside from all this nipping to the pub and laziness with chores how was he before?
how old is your little one?

I'm sorry OP but he sounds awful, I think going out to the pub (to get drunk or not) that much would have had alarm bells ringing for me, as in he doesn't sound like a family man. When do you guys have time for eachother and your child? You are not needy, he sounds terribly selfish and just wants to continue life as before. I would be concerned for the child and the example this is setting. 'Daddy would rather be at the pub than do bath time or bedtime story' so sad.