AIBU to think not all husbands are absolutely useless?

[EavanBoland]

AIBU to think not all husbands are absolutely useless??

I love Mumsnet and love the concept of women supporting women, but I constantly see on here how useless men/husbands are. AIBU to say my husband is not perfect but he is certainly not useless - he does his share round the house, he’s an amazing father to our 18 month old DD and for Mother’s Day and all special occasions, he goes all out and makes me feel appreciated and adored. He also does practical things like nappy changes when we are out and about, walking our DD up and down the train so I can enjoy a Prosecco and my magazine. He’s not perfect and I don’t want to come across as a smug wife but are men really all that useless??

Can we have a shout out for the men who have done well today?

The time when your Dad needed to make a fuss about mother's day was when you were little and unable to do it without help. He doesn't need to do anything now, unless his own mother is still alive.

Of course they aren't. But good news is no news, so they don't often appear here.

I don’t know any women who keep up all the planning things for their husbands on Father’s Day stuff once the adult children have left home. I can imagine a man complaining that even though his adult children who left home gave him a card and gift, his arsehole wife hasn’t planned anything nice for him for Father’s Day.

Why didn’t you plan something nice for her?

Ditto this! DH totally spoilt me today and does random acts of kindness most days. He's just a good human.

Me too.😍

YANBU

I am very envious. unfortunately one reason why I am in the situation I’m in (single mum) is because I was always told that all men are selfish. Ironic really. Unfortunately I have no direct experience of non useless men but I am happy for those who have.

Lots of people I know have that attitude and it makes sense to me. I would find it weird if my Dad gave my Mum a mother's day present or card, she's out Mum not his. He doesn't and I agree with that, she does too.

Fair point! It absolutely wasn’t my intention to ‘centre’ men today of all days - more so to give recognition to the women who have chosen decent men and continue to hold them to account/set a high bar, instead of the depressingly low bar often seen on MN.

My DH is probably the least useless human being I know. He's incredibly helpful, very hardworking and proactive and always thinking about how he could make mine and DC's lives better. If anyone goes to him with a problem (at least if it is a practical one) he will fix it.

He can also be slightly aggressive, controlling, impatient and he genuinely sucks at giving emotional support. He's working on all these things and has come leaps and bounds but not being that way doesn't seem to come naturally. He has to work at it. I see this in most of my male friends, relatives, acquaintances and colleagues. All decent people but they do tend to be ever so slightly more aggressive, impatient and controlling than the women I know. I don't know if it's nature or nurture. Probably both. We can only work on the nurture bit and try to create an environment and society that allows men to be less of arseholes.

it is a good reminder to keep - because even though we know better, it is still sometimes easy to loose track of the skewed perspective that is inevitable in a forum mainly used by people who need help.

An equal, non-gendered example would be that, if I showed someone from outside of the U.K. the parenting forum, they would likely come to the conclusion that 80% of the kids in the UK are autistic or have ADHD... of course though we know that isn't the case, it is just that those parents are in need of help and reaching out to an understanding and supportive community, where parents of children who are not facing challenges don't need to post...

Likewise, that gets picked up on by some posters with an existing bias and you see threads about "ALL the kids are autistic nowadays!!!!". Equally the volume of threads complaining about useless men will get picked up on by people with an existing bias against men as evidence that "The majority of men are useless!!!!"...

In reality its just confirmation bias.

That being said, I do think there is a societal point that is leading many men to be considered useless.

I would say that societies expectations of a "good husband" has changed quicker than many men can adapt. So you have a lot of men who act in ways that even 15-20 years ago would have made them "good husbands", who are now considered useless.

Add to this that earning patterns have changed and now women under 35 earn more than men on average, and you have men who aren't adapting to their new family expectations (because they are emulating their father/mother's dynamics), but at the same they are earning less than their wives...

It is easy then to see why they are now considered useless.

I think this will improve though - give it another generation. I think the children growing up today, under our current ideas, with mothers who hold higher standards for boys, fathers who were rejected for being useless etc. and the next generation of men will be different (in both good and bad ways).

Sorry OP but even men know they are useless. My ex H was (just) half decent in this area (housework, parenting, etc) and he regularly would say that he's the best man he knows because of this. Imagine a women thinking, let alone saying out loud regularly, that she's the best women around because she does some house work and takes care of her own kids occasionally.

If men are so useless why breed with them and then go to get rid of one and breed with another, for a whole sex who is labelled usless there is a lor of angst over getting one & keeping one & trying to get over one and even more complaining about them, plus it doesn't say much for women who ignore all the red flags under the sun and put up with it, it also doesn't show women with much intelligence.

Yet online dating is massive business

Does your DM do anything for your DF when it's Father's Day?

You seem to be easily shocked.

@TeenLifeMumhang on - you are an adult so why would your father be doing something for your mother? It’s for you to, not for him. Sure dads can make a fuss when their children are too young to do it but when they are adults? Come on.
OP, as stated, people who have husbands who are ‘good’ aren’t going to start a thread about it (well, I guess you have), as it comes across as a bit smug. I mean, people post when struggling with something usually, not to boast about something.

My dh is a lovely human. Not perfect but perfect for me. Does that mean I should be congratulated for choosing so well? I have a good supportive family, good role models, a friendship group. Without these you’re vulnerable.

Have a bit of an understanding and kindness yourself. I don’t want recognition today for choosing well 20 years ago. I’d rather women were safe and at least have mumsnet to get good sound advice from.

Why would my father do something for my mum … because I can’t be there and I asked him to. Literally a cup of coffee in bed in the morning. Not expecting him to take her for a pub lunch or spend money. Dh brings me coffee at weekends as standard so I do think that’s just a nice thing to do for someone you love. Df mum died years ago so it’s not like his “efforts” are spilt.

Your dad is right, though.

When the kids are too little to sort something for Mother's Day themselves, that is when the dad needs to step in to make sure there's a card and/or gift or whatever. But not when the kids are old enough to sort it for themselves! Mother's Day is about celebrating your own mother.

I'd be willing to bet your mum doesn't do anything for your dad on Father's Day either.

You would lose that bet - she’ll cook a meal she knows is a favourite and might suggest a trip to a garden centre (something he likes doing). This isn’t about going all out, it’s about thinking adult kids can’t be here but you’re the mother/father of my dc so I want you to have a nice day. It’s nothing more than that. The rigid views on here surprise me to be honest but we are all different.