AIBU to think not all husbands are absolutely useless?

[EavanBoland]

AIBU to think not all husbands are absolutely useless??

I love Mumsnet and love the concept of women supporting women, but I constantly see on here how useless men/husbands are. AIBU to say my husband is not perfect but he is certainly not useless - he does his share round the house, he’s an amazing father to our 18 month old DD and for Mother’s Day and all special occasions, he goes all out and makes me feel appreciated and adored. He also does practical things like nappy changes when we are out and about, walking our DD up and down the train so I can enjoy a Prosecco and my magazine. He’s not perfect and I don’t want to come across as a smug wife but are men really all that useless??

Can we have a shout out for the men who have done well today?

In your world. I would love to treat my mum but can’t be there so why can’t I expect df to suggest they go to the beach down the road or something to ensure mum has a nice day. Quite honestly, she does so much for him I think that’s a pretty low bar.

Maybe let def know in advance of your expectations to cover MD on your behalf rather than have your DM say no, nothing was done for her.

I did!

My boyfriend who has nothing to do with my kids bought me some flowers and said he thought I was a great mum. He knew my kids might not get me anything. 2 out of 3 did this time though so it was nice. Best Mother's Day ever for me. Aside from a visit from my youngest, I was on my own all day doing my own thing.

He must have also thought your request was weird!

Tbf I said nappy changes “when we are out and about” so I can enjoy myself. Of course nappy changes at home are an equal thing - I certainly don’t have a low bar for men but it seems MN does from what I’ve read (especially today) so I suppose I’m trying to redress the balance. Glad to hear there are other decent, competent fathers and partners out there!

He’s just a very selfish man the older he gets.

Haha not at all - I suppose I’m trying to inject a bit of positivity into MN which feels very negative lately and especially today. It’s psychologically proven that we have a negativity bias and rarely shout out the good things in our lives so I was just trying to do that - to make women feel better. Is that such a bad thing?

Thank you - that’s exactly why I said it

Haha I am expecting more bashing now that you mention it! MN is great but seems very negative recently - I understand people offloading their troubles but think there’s no harm in highlighting the good things in our lives as well. Glad to hear you’ve got a good husband also - MN would make you think they don’t exist!

But again, it’s not really normal for husbands to treat their wives on MD when the kids are not there.

He probably doesn’t see it as being selfish just unnecessary which it is.

If your DM does a lot for him then he could treat her any day, it just would be odd to do this on MD!

It sounds like you feel guilty for not being there and so you’re blaming your dad for not filling in for you.

My Ex husband did a better job than half the husbands on here today…….

He produced flowers, chocolates, helped DD do breakfast in bed (plus there was the card and gift DD made at school). Then whilst I was visiting my own mother he cleaned the house top to bottom.

We are still living together at the moment for Reasons and whilst I know our divorce was necessary he was never useless.

As someone who's been single for such a long time with disastrous marriage before that - i appreciate the good stories.

Sometimes I despair when I read about some of the men on here and I would like to meet one of the good ones one day! Tho am on a leaving it very very late 😬😅

My husband is incredible. He’s kind, generous to a fault, looks after us all (practically and emotionally), and cooks us wonderful meals every evening. It’s always bizarre to me that so many people seem to resent or dislike their husbands.

I adore my other half - we have different standards, preferences and strengths and he can drive me nuts…but he’s still brilliant. And tries so hard. I wouldn’t change him for the world.

Obviously not all men are useless. I would say very few men are actually useless. What is presented on the internet is not the reality for many. People post because they need help. Posts of ‘DH cooked and cleaned the kitchen tonight, as he does every night’ aren’t really going to go very far are they (and why should they)? So a percentage of men will have bought presents if there are young children, maybe steered the children on to buying something mum would actually want as well as the tat from the supermarket that caught the kids eyes. Made sure the kids have signed the cards, maybe made cards with the kids or made breakfast in bed, helped the kids cook mum’s favourite meal. Or at least a meal that is in her top 10 but is a meal the kids will eat. Actually know what his partner likes to eat. Which is just the minimum - and that is completely fine, we don’t need our partners to go overboard to have a nice day.

There is a very high portion of men who are capable of doing these things, because men aren’t useless but simply haven’t because they’re selfish. They don’t care enough about their partners to do these basic things. We need to stop labelling men as useless and actually properly name the selfish ones. They badge selfishness as incompetence and we allow them to do it.

The advantage of the internet is that for those women who have competent partners that are selfish, there are women who can say you deserve better and your partner is selfish. On every thread where a woman is questioning if her partner should be contributing more when she’s on maternity leave or whether it’s fair he does no night feeds, or that he put no effort in today there will be posts of women who have non-selfish partners. On every thread there are examples of what the bare minimum looks like.

So you sent a card and flowers so she did get something from her child. Why dows your Dad need ro do even more?

I find it pwrsonay very weird that men are expected to os things for their wives for mothers day. If your kidis still a baby who is blissfully unaware of the day and it's meaning then just wait until they are...same for father's day.

I find it icky if I was expected to do this for my husband but thats just me.

I think there is something to be said for doing more...

When I met my partner ri would do so much, instead of orn thinf id do a few things. He didnt ask me or want or expect me to. I jmdid it cos I dont know I think as women we just do it.

So I slowly stopped and I wouk
I'd do maybe one or 2 things and turns out it hasn't taken anything away, he doesnt feel im doing bare minimum or lowering the bar. I feel like often its a out mismatched expectations. We think well I did the card, the flowers the gift the dinner cos thats expected but really a card and a gift might be more than enough.

Does feel like society pushes you into these big show off type of scenarios. Well not to show off but almost sets some unrealistic expectations through advertising, sm etc.

You are absolutely right that the bar is low. However women didn’t ‘set’ the bar. The bar is what it is because of a lot men simply don’t meet it, so when some of us find men that do meet it or even exceed it, it is a big deal!

It doesn't make sense for your father to give his wife a gift for mother's day when all the children are adults and should be the ones celebrating their mother.

Mine’s brilliant. He can’t cook to save his life but he’s generous, an incredible dad, so funny, attentive and will go out of his way to help anybody and everybody. I don’t understand why some people on here tolerate their husbands doing absolutely nothing.

Can we have a shout out for the men who have done well today?

Why do you want a shout out for men on a day that is about celebrating women/mothers? Can't we just have ONE day of the year where we aren't centring men?

My DH is fantastic, always has been. He doesn't ever 'help out' though, he does his fair share of our joint responsibilities of adult life I.e earning, household tasks, looking after elderly relatives, raising kids etc.

Lots of men are useless because they're allowed to be, unlike women. Unfortunately, lots of women only realise that when it's too late and children are already in the picture.

I think there are quite a lot of decent and thoughtful men about. I know some of them. Definitely not perfect and sometimes annoying, but good people.