My mum and situation with autistic son

[SugarNBrown]

Hello,

My mother's day has not been great. My son is autistic and high needs (non verbal, limited understanding etc) and he has been very easily triggered today.

We have had a lot of meltdowns, lots of crying and tantrums, lots of pinching me. I am exhausted.

We originally had arranged to have a low key affair today with my mum, my grandparents and my siblings at one of their houses, with sandwiches and picnic type food.

It was then changed to a meal at a restaurant that gets very busy. I was uneasy about this due to my sons unpredictable behaviour initially and did make comments about not being sure if that would work for us.

Anyway, due to above behaviour today, I rang and said I was simply not going to be able to take my son to a restaurant in the current circumstances and would see them at my mums after they had finished their lunch.

My mum has form for being quite emotionally blackmailing but her response was quite upsetting.

She said she was annoyed and 'we all have our shit to deal with, why is yours any worse?'
'There is no point you popping in afterwards'
'Why should I not get to have a meal if that's what I wanted to do'
'You obviously don't care enough to make it work'

And various versions of the above. I said I think it would be beneficial for everyone including yourselves and others in the restaurant for me and my son to sit it out today as quite frankly, it's not fun for anyone to witness these types of meltdowns and certainly not for me to try and calm him down.

I just felt the response was lacking any understanding and has made me feel really quite shit.

What a horrible message you received.
Only do what is best for you.
If it was me I'd tell her to get lost.

That’s a horrible response from her. Is she usually like this? She sounds hurt and like she’s lashing out, but it’s horrible for you to be on the brunt of it.

I’m your situation I think I would have asked DP to stay home with him and gone by myself; mostly to have a break and a breather!! But I’m assuming there’s not another parent around or you’d have asked?

She can be very easily offended. I do have to be very careful as she will fly off the handle at things I imagine most people would take quite innocently.

No, unfortunately his dad is away with work atm which couldn't be changed.

Lots of love to you OP sounds like you’ve had a really tough day. She clearly doesn’t get it and her response was horrible and uncalled for.

I felt every single word of this.

I'm sorry @SugarNBrown I don't have any answers but I am right there with you in spirit.

Do you see her often? It sounds mad to say that to someone parenting a high needs autistic child.

I’m really sorry OP, there’s no way I’d have done the restaurant in your shoes either.

Oh no that’s awful OP. So sorry. I think you’ve done the right thing avoiding the restaurant for yours and your sons sake.

She can still have her meal in the restaurant with the others can’t she??

She was unnecessarily nasty and I wouldn’t even bother trying to see her.

I find eating out with my kids and family hard work without autism in the mix. So I can only imagine how hard it would be.

Just because she’s a mum, doesn’t trump the fact you’re also a mum and deserve a decent day too.

sending hugs 🤗

So you should not meet the needs of your disabled child so the adult woman can get her needs met. What a dick response. I wouldn’t go now and don’t feel guilty

Your mum is horrible, sorry.

OP, I feel very sorry for you. You certainly did the right thing. Your mother sounds very entitled. You are a mother too.

All I can say is that she's shown you how she feels about the whole situation with your DS. I agree with the others OP, she is horrible. I wouldn't be seeing her for quite a while...

She’s very selfish. I’m sorry she’s being so mean.

Gosh that is the height of self absorbed and lacking empathy. I don’t think I’d be giving her as much access to your time and energy as she feels entitled to as a rule.

@SugarNBrown so sorry for your mum's unsympathetic response. With autism its often unpredictable, and can cause stress for your child. Which no one wants. Sending hugs and flowers 🫂💐

I’m guessing she would have said equally unsupportive things if you’d brought him to the restaurant and he had a meltdown.

(My mum was like this. When I got to age 30 I’d had enough of it. I said to her I’m an adult, I’d never let anyone else speak to me like that, why should I take it from my mother? Instead of thinking about that and apologising she absolutely lost her shit. Long story short I realised she was a toxic, horrible person and went NC. She tried to get me back onside after a few months - not by apologising mind you - but I wasn’t having it and she lost her shit yet again. Life had been nice and anxiety free without her in it and I intended to carry on. And I did. No regrets.)

@OriginalUsername2 that is a really insightful point. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

You did exactly the right thing. Your mum clearly has no idea of the needs of your child. I completely understand. I’ve lost count of the number of events and days out we’ve turned down because my ASD DS would be unable to cope. It would have been no fun for anyone, including you. Hope you’ve had some down time today too x

Your mum sounds awful. Suggest a good read of the Stately Homes threads and resources on there.

Good mums would be primarily concerned for you in your challenging situation and wouldn’t organise something so unsuitable, and wouldn’t be so nasty.

Well, bear in mind that you're a mother too @SugarNBrown and your day hasn't exactly been stellar, which noone seems to be paying mind to. for you, even if virtual.

Sorry for you. I have a dc with AuDHD and we have had similar.

happy Mother’s Day and I see you

This is awful especially on Mother’s Day. Demonstrates a complete lack of understanding of your son’s needs and the impact on you. Sorry this happened to you.

You did the right thing. You made the only choice when put in that situation - to put your child first. She did not.

Your mother has - as the youth of today would describe it ‘main character syndrome’. In other words self-absorbed. It’s all about how it affects her on ‘her’ Mother’s Day, not about you as a mother or actually the most important thing of all, how the environment would cause distress to your son.

well done on protecting him from that and having boundaries. Happy Mother’s Day to you from another mother with a non verbal ASD son whose day doesn’t look picture perfect. xxx

Happy Mother’s Day to someone who is clearly a fantastic and selfless Mum💐
You completely did the right thing for your son. I am so sorry your family was not more supportive (particularly as they must know your DH is away) and could at least have said it would be lovely to see you for a cup of tea once they were back at the very least.

What a horrible nasty woman she is.

Sorry you're having such a rough day OP. Your mother sounds a selfish old bag so don't worry about her getting in a mood, she was very hurtful to you. I will say, as another special needs mum, that most people just don't get it - you're an amazing mum and it is hard! I hope when DH comes back you can treat yourself to a spa day, an afternoon tea, pottering the shops or whatever floats your boat. You deserve a break and a treat.

I hope you can get your son to bed and then have a soak in the bath and watch something relaxing after the day you've had. Look after yourself lovely 💐