To be so upset by DH’s secret credit card debt?

[HulaHoop31]

Long time lurker but first post here, I will try and keep this as short as possible.

DH and I have been married 6 years and have two young DC. We both earn good money and are able to have a comfortable life.

Two days ago I opened 3 letters addressed to him after being suspicious about his credit card to find the card was maxed out at 6k and the last two payments had been missed. One of these letters was a red topped letter stating he was now in arrears.

I confronted him about this, and asked him to be honest about his debt. The 6k was just the tip of the iceberg… there is also another credit card which has 11k of debt, an online credit account for shopping which is 2k in debt. Last month he took out a 1k short term loan just to cover the minimum payments. So in total around 20k worth of debt with interest piling on each month.

He showed me all of his statements and bank accounts and I worked out that he has been putting less into our joint current account for bills/food shopping etc and holding more money back for himself than we agreed (we have our own current accounts in which we keep a set amount each month for ‘fun’ money and the rest of our salaries go into the bills account). I am assuming this is to pay off the debt. He said he saw this as his problem to fix and he was using ‘his money’ to pay this off. I disagree strongly, I see this as family money that could have been used for holidays or even to save for our DC’s futures.

DH is a bit of a compulsive spender. We have had conversations in the past about this as he spends a lot of money out of our joint account on pointless things and I have asked him to rein this in. I feel this compulsiveness is what has lead to this debt, he just can’t help himself. In contrast to this, I am good with money and am a bit of a saver but I will treat myself if I can afford to do so. I live within my means and always have done. This is very important to me and he knows this.

I am deeply hurt by this and have been so upset since I found this out. I can’t stop thinking about the amount of money he has spent with nothing to show for it. And how he has kept this from me for the past couple of years. I feel it is selfish and reckless.

Im spending my Mothers Day putting on a brave face for my children, but the way I feel right now is that I don’t know if I can stay in this marriage. Or if I do, will I ever be able to get over this?

I guess I am looking for some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation, how did you manage to pay off such a big debt and get over this emotionally? And get over the fear that this can happen again?

I love my husband but I have to think of myself and my children’s futures. He is genuinely remorseful and is looking for ways to consolidate this and pay it off, but however he does this will affect us financially for a good few years.

this is shocking and you must feel so betrayed, I would.

whats he spending it on? He knows it’s wrong - that’s why he’s hidden it. Now it’s in the open is he saying how he will stop the spending (and not just consolidate it). How will he pick up additional income, or reduce his costs. What plan / solution is he proposing to you?

He is saying that there is overtime available at work - he has worked out how many hours to do each month so that he can pay a chunk of the debts off and he thinks this should take him 13 months or so. But I’m not sure of how solid of a plan this is. If it pans out then this shouldn’t cause too much financial impact but obviously will impact in other ways with him working longer hours. We both work full time as it is and I have a longer day with commuting further so it adds extra pressure to the juggle we already have.

He says that the spending will stop now unless it’s essential, but he’s always been an impulsive spender for as long as I’ve known him. It’s just never been this bad before. If he does have some sort of addiction to spending then I’m not sure it’s as easy as just dropping cold turkey

I can't get past you opening his post, OP, which is simply an awful thing to do. You have completely lost any "moral high ground", as a result.
Plus, it's absolutely fine for couples to have separate financial arrangements, so this isn't a secret, just him getting into a bit of a mess.

My XH did this and it was a horrific betrayal - I only found out during the divorce proceedings though so slightly different.
if he is unable to control his spending then he needs to let you take full control of the bills, money etc and his spending money needs to be reduced to pay off the debt. I know that’s not him learning the lesson by paying it off himself but you can’t afford to let him allow it to get worse if he is unable to control the spending. He needs to learn to become responsible with access to a much smaller amount of money which will not affect you as a family.

Then see if you can move some of the debt onto 0% transfer cards to stop the interest making the debts get larger. Get him to set up direct debits to pay the minimum on each one and then chuck what you have spare (from his spending money) at the higher interest ones. You could go to a debt management company but that might affect his credit rating which could impact on you as a family. Martin Lewis has loads of advice about it too.

If he is going to do the overtime then great and all of this goes towards his debt, however he has to work out the logistics of it to minimise the impact on you and the kids.

agree to sit down together each month to go through finances etc to help train him to become more responsible with money and to help him realise that as partners he has to work with you on the family finances and it’s not all about him.

stop his treats such as lunches, coffees etc, (if he wastes money on such things) he takes packed lunches etc. Again a valuable lesson.

he needs to learn the value of money and realise the crap he’s been buying is not feasible any more.

otherwise if you can’t work though it/don’t want to work through it then get your own finances in order and get the hell out!

I’m not sure OP what to think. I have about 4k on my credit card and my DH doesn’t know it. It isn’t something I’m hiding on purpose but dont see a reason to keep him up to date on my credit balance. So I’m not sure where the limit is, when it becomes your partners business how much debt you have accumulated on your credit card. If my DH told me he has, say, 10k, I wouldn’t care as long as it didn’t impact his contribution to our family money. I’m pretty laid back about this, even though we aren’t particularly wealthy, just comfortable. But you know your DH has a spending problem and the amount of debt is pretty high, so I can see why you’d be upset.

Really? Your take away from her husband having 20k of secret debt is that she shouldn't have looked at his credit card bills? I can only assume you're also in secret debt to think like that.

Sadly OP I think marrying someone who was not good with money was not a good idea. I would be devastated. 20k is a chunk towards a deposit on a house, it's a huge amount of money. How do you spend that much and no one notice? What it is buying? Does he have an expensive hobby? Are you sure he's not gambling?

Trust would be gone for me. No one wants to have to babysit their husband into managing money reasonably - but you can't rely on him doing it because if he could then he already would have. Instead he's taking out loans to pay off interest on loans. I wouldn't be prepared to let him drag the family into any more debt, if you're not prepared to walk away now then I'd say he has 6 months/a year to seriously turn this around or you're out.

I have about 3k on paypal credit which my dh doesn't know about it. However , I make payments every month. It sounds like his spending has got completely out of control, it is an addiction. He needs to get help as with any other addiction. It is very vindictive of him to pull back on what he puts in your joint account without telling you. That is very unfair and you have every right to be angry and disappointed. Saying that most people are in some sort of debt. Companies really need to start clamping down. I know from experience how tempting it is. It's very worrying that you can keep spiralling more and more in debt.

The debt itself, never mind the lies/secrecy about it would be a dealbreaker for me.

If it wasn’t gonna impact you to pay it off then I would step well away from it and say good luck clearing that Mr. DH.
But it is going to impact on you. He’s going to be less available for family time.
But I would be inclined to let him sort it out for himself don’t you dare bail him out otherwise he’ll do it again

It's never ok to open someone else's post.

What was the money spent on? Is there stuff he could sell to help get the debt down?

Totally disagree with the first paragraph
Also, his level of debt is not "a bit of a mess," it's huge.
OP, I could not be with a compulsive spender. The trust would be gone. Saying that, I hope he works it out. Maybe contact a debt charity.

You lost me at ‘saving for our children’s futures’, that just sound so sanctimonious. If you’re not happy with your husband spending, that’s fine, but don’t be framing it around your children like that.

YANBU to be upset.

Any chance he might have ADHD? It is very common for people for ADHD to get into debt, especially if undiagnosed and untreated - impulse spending is often a dopamine-seeking activity. Obviously there are many reasons people get into debt and mostly it is not because they are bad or lazy or whatever.

Don’t blame the OP at all, she knew something was wrong so good job she looked. “ Bit of a mess”! What an understatement!

I personally don’t get the personal spending thing that entitles a DH, DW or committed DP to spend much needed funds on things that are not discussed and agreed by both. This is the way to debt as has happened to you OP. This is not just your DHs concern. It affects the whole family.

I know I am rare, but I open all of my DHs mail and he mine, if I feels to. We have family admin that needs to be done! We both need to know what is coming in and what is going out.

It is not about seeking my DHs permission to buy a dress or a pair of Louboutins (don’t own a pair, just saying, because if I did I might be heading to that level of debt).

Understandably, we all manage money differently, some better than others, but I couldn’t marry someone with such bad money management.

I have friends and family members who have lost so much and had their lives devastated by debt. It is not good! I feel for you OP.

20k of additional spending on credit is not a bit of a mess, it’s deeply irresponsible and will have a significant negative impact on the OP’s life and that of their children. If he’s got to do loads of overtime for the next 13 months to pay it off, who picks up the slack? The fairies, or OP?

You have separate finances so I get why you didn’t notice money going out but how did you not notice £20k extra of stuff? What did he buy??

@HulaHoop31 I would be furious as its completely and utterly disrespectful towards you.

It will also affect your future lendint.

Him saying he will pay it off with some overtime wouldn't be enough for me. I'd be wanting to sit down with him, taking out one loan to pay off all the credit cards, cancelling all the credit cards, then working out how much overtime he will have to do.

He has essential stolen from the family.

I'd make it very clear that any future debt and it will be marriage over.

I have advice, based squarely on learnings from my pils experience. In other words, learning from other people’s mistakes.

You & your dh are my mil & fil. His hidden then discovered debt not once, not twice but 3 times led to them almost loosing their home, and a lifetime of a dogs life for both my mil but that of her children too.
She helped him pay the debt again and again.
She had nothing, not a thing, her kids had nothing, not a thing. Well actually, they had never ending misery and poverty because of his selfish, self centred shitty decisions.

Get your ducks in a row, get legal advice, make plans to get out. Don’t make the same mistake that she made. Get out.

Why is he paying interest? I get interest free offers all the time on my cards.

If you are decent earners they will be cleared in no time. I’m poor and can manage my debts easily.

This won’t get better it’s an addiction and he is in denial about it. No impact on you or family, who is he trying to kid, himself more than anyone. And with denial there can be no recovery. Honestly I would start planning to leave, before you get dragged down with him. Life is going to get much much harder soon. The impact of these wars on the cost of living will make 2024 look like child’s play. You don’t want to be facing this with a stone around your neck like your husband unfortunately.

Currently divorcing a man who spent like this secretly. Always credit cards in his name, direct debits out of joint account as all money joint and paid into single joint account. He rack up debts and just ignore them, letting the direct debit pay the minimum. I spent years pushing him to be transparent, moving them onto interest free in my name and paying them off aggressively, sacrificing other things. He just then starting building them up again. Always said he wouldn’t, never stopped. He can’t manage money but also things he prefect and takes him crap out on me as a diversion. I was a mug yes and overlooked a lot of other bad behaviour but my take is, I would never again want to be attached to someone financially who can’t manage their own spending.

I too would be furious OP. A good friend of mine had this with her exh - she bailed him out SO many times, against everyone's advice. Eventually she told him if it happened again she would leave. Made it crystal clear. Of course it did and she followed through on it but it impacted her and her dc enormously for several years.

At the very least I would draw a firm line in the sand wherever you feel comfortable. For me, that would going forward, ANY increase in debt is a dealbreaker and I'd expect great sacrifices to get it down to a manageable level, followed by transparency even once it's sorted. However, to have got to this stage I'm not at all convinced he'll be able to do it so please do check your own ducks in case they need lining up in future. 💐

@Miranda65
I completely disagree. Even if you manage your own finances when you’re married, effectively all debts and assets are joint in many circumstances eg divorce, death and bankruptcy. What if OP’s husband had to declare himself bankrupt because he can’t even cover the minimum payments.? What happens to their home? No one in a marriage should be running up huge debts without the other spouse knowing. I’d say £20k is a large debt.

What are you on about? His poor financial record is linked to hers becauae they have a joint account. He could impact OP’s credit score. Of course it’s her business!