Long time lurker but first post here, I will try and keep this as short as possible.
DH and I have been married 6 years and have two young DC. We both earn good money and are able to have a comfortable life.
Two days ago I opened 3 letters addressed to him after being suspicious about his credit card to find the card was maxed out at 6k and the last two payments had been missed. One of these letters was a red topped letter stating he was now in arrears.
I confronted him about this, and asked him to be honest about his debt. The 6k was just the tip of the iceberg… there is also another credit card which has 11k of debt, an online credit account for shopping which is 2k in debt. Last month he took out a 1k short term loan just to cover the minimum payments. So in total around 20k worth of debt with interest piling on each month.
He showed me all of his statements and bank accounts and I worked out that he has been putting less into our joint current account for bills/food shopping etc and holding more money back for himself than we agreed (we have our own current accounts in which we keep a set amount each month for ‘fun’ money and the rest of our salaries go into the bills account). I am assuming this is to pay off the debt. He said he saw this as his problem to fix and he was using ‘his money’ to pay this off. I disagree strongly, I see this as family money that could have been used for holidays or even to save for our DC’s futures.
DH is a bit of a compulsive spender. We have had conversations in the past about this as he spends a lot of money out of our joint account on pointless things and I have asked him to rein this in. I feel this compulsiveness is what has lead to this debt, he just can’t help himself. In contrast to this, I am good with money and am a bit of a saver but I will treat myself if I can afford to do so. I live within my means and always have done. This is very important to me and he knows this.
I am deeply hurt by this and have been so upset since I found this out. I can’t stop thinking about the amount of money he has spent with nothing to show for it. And how he has kept this from me for the past couple of years. I feel it is selfish and reckless.
Im spending my Mothers Day putting on a brave face for my children, but the way I feel right now is that I don’t know if I can stay in this marriage. Or if I do, will I ever be able to get over this?
I guess I am looking for some advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation, how did you manage to pay off such a big debt and get over this emotionally? And get over the fear that this can happen again?
I love my husband but I have to think of myself and my children’s futures. He is genuinely remorseful and is looking for ways to consolidate this and pay it off, but however he does this will affect us financially for a good few years.