AIBU for blocking two mum friends without warning or explanation?

[Tiredboymum22]

Is it ever acceptable to just block people with no explanation or warning?

This is what I’ve done and I feel guilty although I don’t think I’m the bad guy here.

I formed close friendships with two fellow SEN mums last year. Let’s call them Sue and Jane. I opened up to Sue about how difficult I find parenting without a village (and a diagnosis of ADHD and OCD). She shared her struggles and we became close. She offered to babysit my youngest a few times but I turned her offer down. I know she tries her best in many ways but she has a very “hands off”, latch key child approach as that’s how she was raised. I tactfully told her that DH and I were going to hire a babysitter but I appreciated her offer and she stopped speaking to me for three months as apparently I didn’t think she was good enough to care for my child.

During this time I became friends with Jane. Jane takes a polar opposite approach to parenting and is definitely a helicopter. She’s quite an intense person and would message me every day, give me hugs (to my surprise), and would talk about our children growing up together, etc. We’d meet up regularly (to the point where it became routine for our autistic kids) and she’d even refer to me as their “auntie”. During this time, Sue apologised to me and I accepted it. Jane had a lot to say about Sue’s parenting style and spoke in a very derogative way about her (I actually defended her a few times) although their children are close friends.

A few months ago, Jane rang Sue up desperate for a lift (I don’t have a car) and Sue ended up taking her to a food bank and helped her bring stuff back to the house. The two became closer and Sue helped her clean her house and shift some broken furniture (I had offered but I have my toddler home with me during the day so could only do an hour). The two became closer and began meeting up without inviting me which I didn’t mind, but I honestly feel like Jane dropped me like a sack of sh1t. She began referring to Sue as the kids’ auntie, giving her hugs to say bye without so much as glancing at me. I know it sounds quite childish but I felt hurt considering I had opened up about my marital issues, allowed my child a sleepover at her house (I’m not usually one for sleepovers).

The other week, the three of us and my DS were sat in Sue’s courtesy car and she told me off like a child for giving DS crisps in the car. I apologised and the next day she gave me and my toddler a lift to her house where she drove over twice the speed limit toward a blind corner then told me, while we were drinking coffee in her kitchen, that she had told her 6-year-old to be more grateful as my son doesn’t have as a good of a life as he does and go on multiple holidays abroad each year or get to go to as many cool places. Because I’m clearly a pushover, we still agreed to meet for breakfast in the week where she cancelled without any prior warning.

I’m aware I’ve rambled so to debrief, I’ve cut them both off and blocked them on all social media. Now Sue is demanding an explanation and I don’t want the confrontation or drama, I just want to be left alone which makes things awkward at the school. My mum and Sue have a friendship and she thinks I’ve behaved harshly as it’s never okay to just cut someone off.

AIBU?

This all sounds so tiring!! Blocking people as an adult just feels so unnecessary and childish. You’re able to let friendships drift or fade without being childish.

I mean, you could nut out who did what and who should be blamed for each bit but I'd consider those bridges burned now.

It may have been best to step away from these intense friendships gracefully but it's done now. And I think the reason why you found that hard was for the same reason that you ended up in them in the first place.

You don't have to meet each person at the level of how they want a friendship to be. You can keep things light, you can draw your own boundaries about what you want to talk about, how much time you spend together, what you do and how much familiarity people have with your kids.

If you are entirely passive about it and just go along with the intensity that meets their needs then you are in the shit if that person is a needy, drama lama.

Try being a bit more aware what you are signing up for, for your sake and your kids sake.

You sound unreasonable: who accepts lifts from someone then allows their children to eat in their hire car and complains about their driving? You were the one being disrespectful here.
Cutting people off and blocking them is not a mature way to behave, and is not going to help your children, who are presumably friends with the children of these women . If your paths are going to cross for the next several years because of school and living in the same place, you’d do better to find a way of being civil. You can keep your distance but be polite.

Agree with your assessment that it does sound quite pathetic. Blocking doesn’t decrease the drama when it’s people you’ll still see around, it stokes it. And it’s not like she’s gonna know it was because you suddenly found one bit of her driving disrespectful. I think from all the ins and outs, from how you disapprove of both their different styles of parenting to their comments on your parenting, that you’re better off not being in each other’s lives, but wanting them to know you’re ‘pissed off and done’ is the opposite to that. It’s caring what they think and asking for more aggro when they inevitably disssect your behaviour and make their move. You could have handled it much better overall.

Two things stand out to me from your original post @Tiredboymum22

I tactfully told her that DH and I were going to hire a babysitter but I appreciated her offer and she stopped speaking to me for three months as apparently I didn’t think she was good enough to care for my child.

She's right, you didn't and however tactful you were, she saw right through it!

and

The two became closer and began meeting up without inviting me which I didn’t mind, but I honestly feel like Jane dropped me like a sack of sh1t.

You did mind, but didn't deal with it at the time.

You need to work on your communication, especially if you do want to maintain friendships.

The damage is done so you might as well just tell her why you don’t want to be friends any more. They have both behaved badly to you, especially the comments about how your son doesn’t have a nice life! They have both basically bullied you and they might as well be pulled up on it, they will be defensive but so what 🤷‍♀️ The friendship is already over, it seems like they already don’t like you that much, and telling them will be doing them a favour and helping you assert yourself instead of feeling small.

In future I would either say something or let a friendship fade if someone does something that makes you feel bad. Don’t stay quiet and continue the friendship and don’t randomly block them, just be very busy until they get the hint

There was nothing to warrant blocking there (no harassment) so blocking was OTT but I understand why you felt tempted to do it.

I would be very annoyed at myself for my response to Sue’s disclosure of what she said to her son (wow!). How do you wish you had responded?

When I have sat with my emotions after issues with various acquaintances/friends over the years it usually boils down to this - I didn’t like my response, and I allowed people in too quickly/ignored red flags. It doesn’t sound like these two should’ve ever made it past friendly acquaintance? All we can do is learn from the lessons these relationships taught us.

This is silly, OP. You met these people last year, didn’t appear to much
like Sue or approve of her parenting but rushed into being ‘close’ before she then stopped talking to you for three months because she thought (rightly) that you didn’t feel safe letting her babysit your child. During that three months, you started another intense friendship with Jane, another woman with equally poor judgement about rushing into close ‘friendships’. (Did the Sue situation teach you nothing?) Then they became instant friends, and dropped you. Now you’ve dropped them. All this in the space of a year?

Actual friendships take longer to establish. In future, take longer to get to know people before confiding your marital woes, seeing them daily, being ‘Auntie’ to their children. And don’t seethe in silence and not communicate, then snap and block everyone involved.

I’ve read your responses and although some of them have been hard to digest, blocking them was dramatic and childish and I do wish I had dealt with things differently.

My mistake was jumping into both friendships without boundaries and ignoring the red flags. My long-term friendships are with people who have clear boundaries and a straight head on their shoulders. I have always jumped into intense relationships/friendships too
fast and I’m a chronic people-pleaser so I end up with burn out. I know it’s no one’s problem but my own.

There are more issues than I’ve shared on here but I wont drip feed and it’ll only reinforce the fact that I should’ve been more careful.

Lesson learnt! Now I need to work on not repeating old habits.

Thank you for your advice :)

You're not 12. Blocking is so infantile, deal with the situation like a bloody adult. If you don't want to be friends with them, then that's your choice but don't be a baby, just tell them why.

You haven't avoided confrontation and drama by blocking them, my advice is answer Sue's question. She asked. So tell her.

Yes and then what did you do?

You went to breakfast with her, when she literally could have killed your child.

That was the oddest part of your OP. I found it difficult to read on after that.

None of you sound like real friends tbh so you're not unreasonable to let them go.

This millennial doesn't understand the obsession with blocking people though...It's just unnecessary & stupidly dramatic.

You're not compatible as friends. If i were in that position, I think I'd muster the courage to say that I didnt think the friendship/s was healthy and that i would be stepping back from regular contact but wished all well. Blocking - which I've only ever heard of on MN btw - is throwing petrol on the drama bonfire.

You all sound unpleasant from the op

I don't think ADHD is relevant, you are a grown up, why would you block them? Just let the friendships cool down.

You are all acting like middle school girls.

This. Your children have SEN and that came from the 3 of you.

Blocking is unnecessary and spiteful - it causes just more resentment and uncomfortable moments if you meet. It all sounds that you are all a little immature / judgemental of each other, but having said that I don't know if it's due to conditions you explained or individual needs so I may be coming from a different angle.

I would unblock them, say hi if you see them and leave it at that. That way you are still being friendly - just not involved or giving them details of your life!

If you DO need each other though - to cover each other, for lifts, friendships etc - why not meet up and explain in a way to come across non accusory that can clear the air and rebuild the friendship, albeit from arms length?

Good luck.

Slow fade better than blocking.

3 is a crowd as they say. Don’t be surprised if they fall out next week and you’re back in vogue

What is it with this blocking culture here? Since when did it become acceptable to behave like this, as adults? How awkward to then have to see these people in real life. Blocking solves nothing, and makes you look very silly and immature.

Learn from this OP.
Slow down.
You have enough going on.
You don't need this.
Mind yourself and be kind to yourself.

I don’t want the confrontation or drama

So why block people ?
There is little that is more attention seeking and likely to cause a drama ?

However, good to see, in your last post that you seem to have found the thread helpful and that you say you will take advice on board.

That’s an awful lot to read. The mixture of ND kids and ND mums is a recipe for this kind of thing. I think you could all do with being a bit more tolerant of each other nuerodiversities.

Me too. Life is far too short.
That said its got to be easier if you never have to see that person! I’ve never blocked anyone and had the misfortune to run into them again! 🤣
But I have never ever regretted blocking the people I’ve blocked. Contrary to what others think, blocking has caused all the drama/ nastiness to disappear like a puff of smoke.