AIBU for blocking two mum friends without warning or explanation?

[Tiredboymum22]

Is it ever acceptable to just block people with no explanation or warning?

This is what I’ve done and I feel guilty although I don’t think I’m the bad guy here.

I formed close friendships with two fellow SEN mums last year. Let’s call them Sue and Jane. I opened up to Sue about how difficult I find parenting without a village (and a diagnosis of ADHD and OCD). She shared her struggles and we became close. She offered to babysit my youngest a few times but I turned her offer down. I know she tries her best in many ways but she has a very “hands off”, latch key child approach as that’s how she was raised. I tactfully told her that DH and I were going to hire a babysitter but I appreciated her offer and she stopped speaking to me for three months as apparently I didn’t think she was good enough to care for my child.

During this time I became friends with Jane. Jane takes a polar opposite approach to parenting and is definitely a helicopter. She’s quite an intense person and would message me every day, give me hugs (to my surprise), and would talk about our children growing up together, etc. We’d meet up regularly (to the point where it became routine for our autistic kids) and she’d even refer to me as their “auntie”. During this time, Sue apologised to me and I accepted it. Jane had a lot to say about Sue’s parenting style and spoke in a very derogative way about her (I actually defended her a few times) although their children are close friends.

A few months ago, Jane rang Sue up desperate for a lift (I don’t have a car) and Sue ended up taking her to a food bank and helped her bring stuff back to the house. The two became closer and Sue helped her clean her house and shift some broken furniture (I had offered but I have my toddler home with me during the day so could only do an hour). The two became closer and began meeting up without inviting me which I didn’t mind, but I honestly feel like Jane dropped me like a sack of sh1t. She began referring to Sue as the kids’ auntie, giving her hugs to say bye without so much as glancing at me. I know it sounds quite childish but I felt hurt considering I had opened up about my marital issues, allowed my child a sleepover at her house (I’m not usually one for sleepovers).

The other week, the three of us and my DS were sat in Sue’s courtesy car and she told me off like a child for giving DS crisps in the car. I apologised and the next day she gave me and my toddler a lift to her house where she drove over twice the speed limit toward a blind corner then told me, while we were drinking coffee in her kitchen, that she had told her 6-year-old to be more grateful as my son doesn’t have as a good of a life as he does and go on multiple holidays abroad each year or get to go to as many cool places. Because I’m clearly a pushover, we still agreed to meet for breakfast in the week where she cancelled without any prior warning.

I’m aware I’ve rambled so to debrief, I’ve cut them both off and blocked them on all social media. Now Sue is demanding an explanation and I don’t want the confrontation or drama, I just want to be left alone which makes things awkward at the school. My mum and Sue have a friendship and she thinks I’ve behaved harshly as it’s never okay to just cut someone off.

AIBU?

Blocking people that you will see at the school gate, whose kids are friends with your kids (or may become friends in future) is a really dramatic way to go about things and likely to lead to more drama in future.

So I would definitely reflect on that for the future, but in relation to these friendships it’s already done.

At this point - send a message to each of them saying you think that the friendship has become “more intense than I can handle right now” and that you wish them well but do not want to be in contact at the moment and will reach out if that ever changes.

You can be friends with whoever you like OP. However, I think it's a bit silly to say "you don't want the drama" when clearly blocking them was always going to lead to more drama than the slow fade approach.

My sister in law blocked me over some minor thing that she took offence to. Regretted it after but honestly I’ve never got over it. It seemed so childish to do something like that instead of talking to me. Our relationship has never recovered.

Blocking is just childish.

i agree that you all sound very judgemental and also way too focussed on SEND / mental health, those don’t have to mean you can’t have decent respectful friendships. Neither are these issues an excuse for unkind or disrespectful behaviour.

friends should enhance each others lives not be a negative energy. And it’s fine to just nurture a very small number of friendships or none at all if you feel you don’t want or need it at this phase of life. You mention you don’t want things to be awkward at school, so I assume you’re talking pre school or primary at the school gates. You don’t have to be friends with school mums if there’s nothing you have in common other than kids of a similar age. Personally when my kids were that age I just maintained a small number of friends and rarely did school pick ups anyway as I worked. Maybe if you want more friends, try to find them through a shared interest rather than school, kids or all having SEND/ mental health issues as this all sounds very intense and not how a friendship should be at all.

It all sounds a bit teenage mean girls to be honest. Blocking them is just feeding in to the drama as well. It's possible to take a step back from friendships quietly but that's not the path you've chosen.

Friendships that start off fast and intense often end the same way because a foundation wasn't really established.

I don't agree that blocking someone is childish. Sometimes it can feel like it protects your peace. People can't send you confrontational messages or give you a piece of their mind. I'm usually very anti-ghosting but sometimes it's too much to have to explain your position, to get in to a tit for tat etc.

I know it sounds quite childish but I felt hurt considering I had opened up about my marital issues, allowed my child a sleepover at her house (I’m not usually one for sleepovers).

It sounds like you think you were doing Jane a favour by these two things, but the reality is of course the other way round.

Your choice to block had increased thr conflict, as you still need to see these people at school.
A slow fade would have been better.
I suggest a carefully worded message and then no further messages.
But the wording needs to be short, not over explaining. Wishes thrm well, and doesn't name call or put fuel on the fire.

Something like
Morning, I've been finding the dynamics tricky lately and needed to take a step back for my own benefit. Will always wish you well, but just need to focus on myself and the kids at the moment.

No further engagement.

Then you need to take a look at how your friendships benefit both parties, start saying no, and consider that trying not to have conflict can sometimes escalate it further. I've had to do all this following the way I've managed things. And how my adhd plays a part.

She kept offering a sleepover because her DD was asking. I was hesitant.

We spoke a lot about her ex too but maybe I was too much. Regardless, it doesn’t matter now.

You did what was right for you.

The one who decided you didn’t have such a great lifestyle and relayed it to her child, and told them to be grateful? What a complete turn off. Awful human.

get on with your life and if you do offer the one who messaged an explanation just say you’re no longer interested in a friendship. The end.

Hi Op. Hugs!

You were right to feel hurt about Jane’s sudden closeness to Sue, especially as, inexplicably, she stopped being close to you. Who knows, perhaps you did something to upset her, but when things are not communicated, it just causes anxiety and confusion all around.

I understand the urge to block them, especially if you got to the point where you needed a resolution of some sort and you wanted them to understand just how upset they’d made you. I guess telling them that you were upset or you didn’t want their friendship would have caused a back and forth where they would have tried to make you feel guilty and it would have caused you even more emotional distress. But perhaps you could have sent a message before blocking them, to tell them why you were doing it.

Like someone else said, the friendship between Sue and Jane won’t last.

I want to tell you my experience with my own Sue and Jane, so you can see an alternative to not blocking them :).

I have been friends with Sue for a very long time. We are different, have different values so we have struggled at times. Sue and I met Jane when we were all young and single. Sue and Jane didn’t like each-other at all so they didn’t stay friends. I remained friends with both of them separately. I had different challenges with each of the friendships but carried on, as I know how hard it is to make new friends.

A few years later Sue and Jane both attended one of my birthday parties and became reacquainted. By then they were both married, therefore had something in common and hit it off. Their husbands became friends. I was and remained single.

Sue and Jane started to socialise together and organise dinners, parties etc without inviting me. I guess in their minds these were couple’s events and I was single so I didn’t fit. Such narrow-mindedness. At the same time Jane became really mean towards me (always critical and hinting that I’d failed to meet her expectations, although she never explained what her expectations were). To my surprise and hurt, even when Sue witnessed Jane’s outbursts or sarcastic comments she defended her.

I still remember, after all these years, crying silently at the back of the car while my 2 ‘friends’ were sitting in the front, talking about how much fun they had over dinner the previous weekend, and making plans to meet again the following weekend. I was obviously not invited.

One day, I invited the girls to my place overnight. Jane couldn’t make it but Sue did. Presumably upset that Sue came to mine even though she couldn’t make it, Jane blocked both of us. She refused to give us any explanation for why she blocked us. It was a v confusing time but it made me realise how anxious my friendship with her had made me. Many months later she unblocked me, apologised, and we resumed our ‘friendship’. She never explained why she blocked us, she said that she didn’t know. She never resumed her friendship with Sue, she thinks Sue and her husband are disgusting people etc. Sue also suddenly remembered all the bad things she thought about Jane before they became close (and which she had conveniently forgot all those times when she witnessed Jane being mean to me).

So I am now ‘friends’ with both of them but I am cautious and feeling resentful. I know I can be dropped like a sack of potatoes without a second thought. I don’t actually want to be friends with Jane, the period when we didn’t speak made me realise how one-sided our relationship has always been. But I don’t know how to just end the friendship.

As for Sue, we go back a very long time so, again, I don’t feel I can just end the friendship, but she has showed me over and over that she only values me when it suits her.

These are not healthy relationships just as your relationship with Sue and Jane was not healthy.
In conclusion:

I SHOULD HAVE BLOCKED THEM!

It’s ’as good a life’, not ‘as good of a life’. What is the ‘of’ doing there? Regardless, it does all sound quite childish. The blocking has been done but you will still see them around. Are you going to blank them?

Parenting SEN kids can be very intense and from my experience this also leads to quite intense relationships between parents too.

What I've noticed is that the friendships tend to come and go depending upon what happens with the kids. For example two mums bonding over issues with school, or both awaiting autism assessment or similar. It makes people think they have a lot more in common than they actually do. Like friendships formed at the baby group stage. They tend to then burn out and people move on.

I expect that's what's happened here but blocking people is harsh and odd.

Am in a similar situation. I think you are right to block and move on. Fuck it, and stick with real friends who wouldn't behave how they have.

@Tiredboymum22

"she had told her 6-year-old to be more grateful as my son doesn’t have as a good of a life as he does and go on multiple holidays abroad each year or get to go to as many cool places"

For Sue to have said that to you, face-to-face, was incredibly rude.

I'm not surprised you were hurt and then blocked, let her stew, you don't "owe" her anything, least of all an explanation, imo

Unsure about Jane though.

Why block? Why not have closure? What is wrong with getting it off your chest?

You don't owe anyone any explanation.
I think you can remind your mother about loyalty and if she continues to be very involved with Sue I would put your mother on a complete information diet, as she may be chatting to Sue about you.

I think stepping away sounds like a good plan, it is all too much drama.

@Tiredboymum22 YABU. Blocking people is so petty and childish.

If you don't want to hang out with them then just don't. Blocking people is just dumb.

a grammar correction @Lilyargin? 🙈

Blocking people without warning who you spoke to regularly and are still going to have to see in person at the school gate is a good way of increasing the drama and the chances of a confrontation.

A slow fade or a short message saying you need to step back like someone suggested up thread would work far better. I don't see the point in blocking someone unless they're harassing you.

Completely agree with this.

Also, if I'm being entirely frank, often, as in this case, parents of neuro diverse children are neuro diverse themselves. Friendships in a small group of ND adults can be difficult to negotiate. I was briefly, as a professional, involved in autism groups, and I saw this regularly.

Life is really tough for SEND parents, and I totally get it. And seeking out other parents with the same concerns, is natural and healthy. But it can come with its problems, too. OP said herself that all three of them have mental ill health, so they probably can't support each other in the way they'd hoped.

None of you are coming off well in this story. Blocking is a bit extreme but you all could do with some distance. The whole thing is way too intense.

You sound like a drama llama.

Why not just let the friendship fade? Blocking seems disproportionate and childish - it just creates more drama and attention.

I dont really understand why you've blocked Jane. You do sound like maybe you didn't deal with her childcare offer that kindly but obviously it depends what you said. Offering to care for your child is really kind, did you say no sensitively? All three of you do seem to be dramatic about things which may be due to RSD.

I agree with others that blocking should be saved for situations where you feel the person causes a threat. When someone hurts you in a friendship the three sensible approaches are

1. let them know they have hurt you and talk it through then decide if its worth continuing the friendship
2. decide you dont want to continue the friendship and fade out of their lives simply by not messaging/inviting them to things etc.
3. decide that it isn't worth the drama to say anything. Keep the friendship as it is and let it go

I dont think anything else is very mature.

Blocking sounds very melodramatic. I've never blocked anyone in my life.

Also you say it's "to send a message" - why do you need to send a message? If you don't want to spend time with them, just...don't. don't meet up, don't chat etc. Why does it have to be active and pointed, that they "know" they're being shunned.

Alternatively, if it is that important they know, wouldn't the message be clearer if you spoke with them/texted them?