Adult ADHD - ruining my life

[WhyWouldYouNotWatchASquirrel]

Just typed out a long post listing all my issues but then I pressed a wrong button and lost it all. Now I just want to cry because I desperately need help but I don't want to type it all out again.

I feel doomed. I just don't know what to do anymore..I'm so lucky and privileged in so many ways but I'm wasting it all because I can't get myself to do the things I need to do. Really simple things. I have an infection that won't clear but I won't call the specialist even though my GP has asked me to. I haven't seen a dentist in 10 years. I'm chronically dehydrated but won't drink enough water. I'm obese and have high cholesterol but I won't stop binge eating

I am late 40s and have two amazing but very young kids and I feel more and more I can't cope with the organisation I require to get stuff donr for them. I keep forgetting stuff. I know I need to be fit for them but I can't even do it for them

I work full time in a very technical role that ik barely coping with. I spend most days browsing my phone while quietly panicking about yet again missing a deadline. I spend entire nights trying to catch up with work but increasingly I can't do that anymore. I don't have imposter syndrome. I am an imposter.

I'm medicated. I take 50mg of lisdexamphetamine on working days and it allows me to think coherently but doesn't help with procrastination. I don't want to up the dose. I hate the meds and how they make me feel.

I've tried the usual tricks. Alarms, internet blockers, task lists, reminders. Nothing helps. I'm lucky that I have a very competent and organised DH otherwise I'd probably be homeless. Or maybe I'd get my act together purely because I would have to. I don't know.

I don't have any friends anymore because I can't keep in touch with people. I barely call my parents or siblings though I know they are struggling and love to hear from me. I have got messages from 18 people just on WhatsApp at the moment that are all waiting for a reply from me. I have got so many contracts going for services I've long stopped using because I can't cancel them.

I'm always stressed and anxious because of all the things I'm not doing that I know I'm supposed to work. I desperately need to finish some work that is due on Monday. That my colleagues are depending on. And I just can't do it. I'm so worried but I still can't do it

I look at what's going on around the world and how much people are suffering and I know how lucky and privileged I am but I'm absolutely wasting this privileged life. It's wasted on me. I can't even carry out any hobbies even though I keep buying stuff for them because I can't actually do anything apart from browse my phone. Smart phones and working from home have been my death blows.

Huge sympathy. If you get started does it kick you into carrying on - the so-called ADHD superpower?

I found that self help books worked - for a while. Once one wore off I got a different one.

~Some other things
assemble the tools for the task so they are ready if and when you can get started
do 5 minutes of any task
worst thing first

Maybe have a good night's sleep and start fresh tomorrow?

Would it be possible for you to take a couple years off from work? I have ADHD too, and while my kids are 8 and 11 now, I remember what it was like when they were really little. ADHD might be an “invisible” disability, but it’s a disability, and it sounds like you’re really burning the candle at both ends.

For now, get off the internet and go to bed. Try to sleep. If you can’t then have a cuppa.

That sounds really hard. Perhaps soothing music and hot milk and honey just for tonight? You need rest right now to gather up some energy

I could have written your OP (though I don't have kids). I'm 44 and have wasted all my chances and talents. I am lying awake feeling crushed by life.

It's not a superpower, it's a fucking curse.

I know exactly what I need to get out of the rut, and it's impossible. I've been here so many times, and I always end up back in the rut. Careerless, penniless, fat and miserable.

I have so much talent and ability when the circumstances are right. I can be brilliant. Everyone expected me to achieve great things. But I can't. The circumstances just can't be right for me as an adult.

I have theories about this - I don't actually even believe in "ADHD" as such, in that I don't think it's a disorder. I think the way the world is set up is what's disordered, but that's a moot point really. The outcome is the same - we're fucked.

Yes once I start I can usually continue. At least till the next distraction. But starting is a massive issue. Maybe I should read an ADHD book. I've only managed to read 2- delivered from distraction and a Russel Barkley one - back when i was diagnosed about 10 years ago. As a trenager and early twenties I used to buy philosophy books to inspire me into being more proactive. Now that doesn't work anymore.

I sleep reasonably well and I tend to fall asleep easily though I struggle with the getting up.

All us ADHDers are of course awake at this time and scrolling our phones.

i could probably have written everything you have.

Walking really helps me, an hour a day. At the moment I’m listening to Dr James Kustow’s “How to thrive with adult ADHD” as I walk, and it’s at least giving my a little bit of hope.

I’m going to give up my smartphone too.

Good luck.

Sometimes I find having several things on the go at once and continually swapping between them works - each task is a distraction from the previous task and it feels like I am skiving (which helps!)

It sounds like you’re in burnout. It’s awful, hits all of a sudden like ton of bricks when all the late spinning come crashing down.
Since my diagnosis I recognise periods of my life as this and I’m in one at the moment. I strip everything back and do the essentials needed to sustain life in my household - Work (to the best of my ability as I need the income, but I’ll rein back and just do the absolute necessary, nothing pro-active or offering to do extra), keep us fed (with convenience food if needed), keep us in clean clothes, wash dishes as needed, and rest, rest, rest (as much as is possible with ADHD). Try and block out the chatter and give yourself time to recharge. I then find that a priority will surface which I feel able to tackle.
For me it’s about giving yourself permission to stop and not feel guilty for the things you can’t do right now. Don’t give in to the pressure, it’s not real.

And I somewhat agree with @IDontHaveASuperpower. I stand with the theories that suggest ADHD brains haven’t caught up with the demands of the modern world. However if it is an actual neurological disorder I believe it should be a dysregulation disorder not a deficit. I’m not deficient in attention, I just don’t know where to put it at any given time

It might not be adhd but the fact that working FT with young children is absolutely exhausting. Are you sleeping well? Poor sleep quality will also wreck your energy levels.

Don't beat yourself up too much. It sounds you just have little mental space left to be organised. Be kind to yourself x

Burnout is real, I feel for you.
Work- go to a coffee shop with headphones, and have it booked in, even 9-1 and then go home. Having a work space is really helpful to draw that line.
Phone- leave it in a different room. Don't have it in arms reach because it is too easy to do out of habit.
What do you do to reset? Can you spend 10mins every evening writing about your overwhelm? Trying mindfulness and do it with your husband as doing something with someone else- shadowing- is so good for my adhd.

Lots of lovely support and advice on this thread OP. I hope it’s useful

Out of interest , given your age, are you on HRT?

I don’t have ADHD myself but friends who do and are of a similar age have mentioned how debilitating their ADHD became once their Oestrogen started to decline

Would a task partner work? Could you ask a partner or friend to start knocking some of those little things off your ginormous mental to do list that seems to be causing you so much stress? Or you could use Focus Mate to do the urgent self care one about the DR? Would your work out in place an ADHD coach perhaps through the Access to work scheme? Sending a hug and also agree with a PPs thoughts about burnout.

That sounds truly awful and I agree with pp that you sound like you're in burnout.

You work full time with 2 kids and have ADHD. Please just pause a moment and at least recognise this is a massive massive ask of anyone. You are not failing. You, as a human being not a super hero, are struggling with a life any of us would find very difficult.

One thing I have found helpful is to 'accept' my ADHD. If I have a week to do an important piece of work, I will do it 45minutes before the deadline. I no longer stress about this. I won't change. I can't change. And you know what? Since I accepted this and just do important things in a crazy rush, no one has noticed. Not one person. The upside of my ADHD is i can do in a 45 minute last minute crazy session, what other people take three working days to do.

Once i accepted this, instead of spending that week feeling guilty and like a failure for not doing the work task, it freed up the time to do other stuff that I preferred to do in that moment. So now i get more other stuff done as well!

Keep posting. ADHD when working full time with 2 kids is no joke. Especially with all the guilt and failure feelings.

If you feel a sense of doom, or vacuum of joy then the meds might be too high. Revisit this with a medic.
other than that you’re going to have to CHOOSE which area of your life to focus on and change it with habit stacking, reinforcement and commitments. It won’t happen over night.

ADHD is very very hard but life is often hard for those without it too. Be a role model. Get a adhd counselled/coach if you can. Read James Clear, Automic Habits. Or audio book it. Progress creates motivation. Motivation doesn’t fall from the sky.

I've got every sympathy for you, it sounds like you are experiencing burnout. No diagnosis here, but two adult kids with adhd. My daughter doesn't have a perfect life but some strategies work better for her. Noise cancelling headphones or loop earplugs at work. Smart phone in another room. Routines and accountability - we ended up ringing her at 7am every morning to make sure she'd get up. Body doubling - working on tasks with someone else in the room often helps.
Have you had an occupational health review at work? Make sure you use any accommodation at work that you think might help.

Finally, get to the GP and discuss HRT. Perimenopause makes adhd so much more challenging.

Good luck!

Have you tried other meds? 50mg lisdexamphetamine made me feel really anxious and depressed. I've moved on to dexamphetamine and although the dose isn't right yet, and it's a pain having to remember middle day dosing, it is much better.

OP you are overwhelmed because you have too much to do and no time. I don't think this is necessarily about ADHD, lots of mothers feel this way. You are catastrophising and beating yourself up and believe you are doomed because of your diagnosis, this is not helpful. Lots of mothers work part time for these exact reasons.

How long have you been medicated for? Have you also had an autism assessment? I would never have believed I was autistic until I was medicated for ADHD. The same thing happened with my son.

Have you been on lisdex for a while? It didn’t suit a friend of mine at all - she’s now on a non stimulant ADHD med (atomoxetine) and she is MUCH better on it and has far fewer side effects. ADHD meds are not a one size fits all. Maybe it’s worth speaking to your prescriber about trying something else?

Also echo the previous posters who’ve mentioned perimenopause. This massively increased my ADHD symptoms, especially anxiety which I’d never had before. HRT has helped a lot but not completely resolved it. That might be something to try?

I also have young kids (including an AuDHD one) plus a v demanding job. It is HARD. Sending you loads of virtual support through the ether. You are not alone even though I know it can feel that way.

Medicated for about 10 years though I took a few years break in between when I had the kids.

I was assessed for autism as part of the ADHD assessment, which was negative. I also don't think I have any symptoms.

So get rid of the phone and get a dumb phone. ADHDers seek dopamine and apps etc are designed to constantly drop dopamine in the brain. It’s why teens get so addicted to them.

Take out the phone and you’ll break the pattern

There was a thread on here recently, where someone with severe ADHD was saying that all this "superpower" bollocks was offensive and minimised the difficulties. Many people on that thread said they struggled a great deal, but people didn't see it because they had so many coping mechanisms in place.

All those posters had one thing in common - money. They either came from wealth, or had rich husbands, or somehow managed to hold down well-paying jobs (or, most likely, a combination of at least two of these factors).

If I had money, I could thrive. I have in the past when I've been earning well, but it's always short-lived, because I can't do the same things day in day out and build that kind of career. My husband makes okay money, but not enough to ease the struggle.

The thing is, my theory is, ADHD is only a "superpower" when there's a social infrastructure in place to support people to be the creatives, the ideas people, the project managers. When everyone has to be doing everything themselves, it falls apart. If you can outsource the day to day stuff that becomes overwhelming for people like me, you can succeed. It's really just paying to replace the communities and tribes we evolved as a species to function within and do our part.

If you don't have money, you're fucked.

This is probably incoherent. I am pissed. I am drinking because I am depressed, because I fail to thrive, over and over again. I am overwhelmed and can't bear to even try anymore to do the things that need doing in my home, because I know I will fail. I don't have the money to outsource the things I have to do but can't, so I don't have the time to do the things I'm brilliant at. So I just do the things I have to do, but am shit at, so my life is just a constant cycle of shitness and failure. It's miserable.

Humans weren't intended to have to do everything though are we? We're meant to be tribal and different people have different strengths and a tribe allows people to play to those strengths. Nowadays you're a failure for not being able to do everything to a high level of competence.

People with adhd often have many strengths such as creativity, problem solving, high physical energy levels, ability to become intensely absorbed in something. You can see where they would have been great at different points in history if they were accompanied by others who were good at organisation, had their mind on the big picture and could see ideas through over long periods of time.

Huge sympathy OP - I also have ADHD and could have written parts of your post.

I think you should ask your GP for a medication review - maybe there is an alternative which would help you more.

But more fundamentally, it sounds to me like you're in burnout, and that being the case it's really unlikely that any of the ADHD tricks like timers and internet blockers are going to work, because frankly they're just pissing into the void of the fundamental problem.

Is there any prospect that you could take some time off work or be signed off for a period of time, to dedicate to resetting your cortisol levels and getting back into some kind of balance? Some proper rest, a proper mental break from work, a bit of a reset? That might just give you the breathing space to consider your next steps.

Also, have you thought about the possibility of weight loss injections? I know people have mixed feelings about these so please just disregard this paragraph if they're not something you'd consider. But quite apart from the weight loss benefits, which are almost an aside here, lots of people with ADHD have reported that using them helped them in much wider ways than just combatting food noise. People have reported better concentration, more motivation etc.

The reason for this isn't fully known, but scientists think it's because GLP-1 receptors affect the parts of your brain which relate to reward and motivation, which are of course parts of the brain which are just wired differently in people with ADHD. People with ADHD who are on WLI have reported reduced impulsivity and food cravings, and that the way their brain processes rewards feels more stable (which can help with paralyzing procrastination by allowing you to prioritise long term over short term reward).