How can I get over this crush?

[Lowns]

I’m happily engaged to someone I consider the perfect man. He’s handsome and charming plus everything else. I have no idea why but I have developed the most intense crush on someone I work with. He’s not as good looking as my partner but is extremely good natured and popular. He’s very much considered a gentleman and hilarious. We’ve spoken a few times (very briefly) and I think there was a spark. But I’m genuinely not interested in even coming close to trying anything). I’m not a natural flirt so don’t crave that. We don’t work that closely but my heart skips a beat when I see he’s on a call, I walk past him in the office etc. I’m 31. Feels like a teenage crush. It’s horrible to be honest. How can I get over this??? I’ve stalked him online which has only made the crush worse. I’ve told myself I will just totally ignore him. No searching for him etc.

Every time you think of him, start imaging him straining out a big turd. That'll soon put you off

The most powerful thing about crushes is the fact you barely know them so it’s really easy to think of them as some sort of perfect incredible exciting being. As Bukowski said “it's possible to love a human being if you don't know them too well”. In all likelihood he’s a boring git like most people. I bet he spends his weekends in Aldi and B&Q, probably scrolls through his phone for an hour when he does a shit, has some really grim habits like picking his nose and wiping the bogies on his sofa.

Crushes end in two ways. Either you get together with them and realise they’re not perfect or you don’t and realise they’re not perfect. Either way, it gets boring in the end.

I don't know. I've been struggling with a crush for a year and we're not even in contact anymore

Either act on it, and that will end up in heartache for at least one person.

Or concentrate on your fiance, and imagine what life will be like if you do act on it.

One thing for sure...you can't have your cake and eat it too.

I believe that these kinds of crushes can often tell you something that’s amiss or lacking in your own relationship/ life.
Maybe there’s something about this guy that’s appealing to you that your own partner falls short on?
Maybe your relationship is generally lacking in some way that has you looking elsewhere?
Maybe you are under too much stress/ pressure and this is a distraction/ escape? Could be dopamine seeking? Hormones?
At least you know it is just a crush.
It’s horrible but use it as a way to identify what you need that you’re not getting in your life and it will eventually pass.

It will pass. Crushes are usually a form of escapism, a little detour off the straight and narrow that make life a little bit more enjoyable.

they give you a wiggle in your step and probably enhance your sex life. And the reason for the crush is because you have an unmet need that your subconscious believes this man can meet.

harness it and it will fade away in time

I also think it's a myth that only teenagers get crushes. I have gone through my life having them.... it does no harm to me or my husband.
I don't tell him, and I don't act on them either.

Argh, it’s awful! I had an intense crush on a colleague in my old job, I felt there was something between us but looking back, there was little to substantiate that. I never told anyone or acted on it, then, I left. Not because of him, but it was a relief to get away from him in the end.

You are nowhere near ready to get married. You need to break of your engagement for a start.

Just think you would be if it was your fiancé with a crush on a coworker.

If you can feel this intensely then you don’t sound ready to get married. Perhaps postpone it and have an honest conversation with your fiance, he has a right to know

Why is it something you need to get over? Hear me out...

If there is genuinely no risk of you trying anything, and you don't have any desire to try anything, then surely it's just that you feel a physical attraction to someone. That's really normal. Being in a relationship doesn't switch that off.

If so, then isn't it just the same as seeing a movie star or singer you find attractive? A bit of a rush and then it's done, back to normal.

I guess what I'm asking is why it feels horrible? That would worry me more than the crush itself, if that makes sense. The fact that you've described it as feeling horrible suggests that it's a kind of wanting what you can't have situation, which really turns it into a different kettle of fish.

I honestly think crushes are quite healthy. And they do pass! Try to find another distraction.

I had an intense crush on a colleague but it was a short term contract, when I left I used to smile briefly at the thought of him but that was all it was. I was so glad it never tripped over into flirting.

You're always going to find other people attractive :)

If your partner had written what the OP had, would you be okay with it and not expect them to get over it? How many threads on here are women finding out their partners have a crush on a coworker, and the answer is always that they should chuck him out

Move jobs if you really care about not cheating. It might be as simple as his pheromones which it will take you ages not to react to or he might be hitting a lot of much deeper chords.

It might take years for you to stop wanting to have sex with him (which is what you mean when you say crush). If you continue to stay in his vicinity you will continue to want to have sex with him.

It's up to you if you are sure you can control that urge and do nothing about it over weeks, months or maybe longer. The best advice with temptation you actually honestly want to avoid is - always - not to put yourself in its way.

As I said if there is genuinely no desire to act on it, then it's not an issue. People are always going to find other people attractive, we're wired for it. I am well aware my DH finds other people than me attractive! Doesn't bother me at all. Conduct is different though, of course.

I wouldn't mind if a partner had a crush on someone. We all find other people attractive. It's just if it tripped over into predominance or it was acted upon then I'd worry.

You're human, sometimes you find other people appealing.

Maybe it’s the job that’s a bit boring? and he’s the light relief. I’d do my best to stay out of his way, especially on work nights out. Everyone likes to be liked, he may know you like him and enjoy the attention, makes him appear popular, things can escalate if you laugh at his jokes etc. People will notice (even if there’s nothing in it/you didn’t fancy him) and you can quickly become office gossip. I’ve been there! Even though the man was over twenty years older, I didn’t fancy him, we just hit it off. We still both got teased by colleagues though.

As pp say you are seeing the ‘perfect’ version of him in work. You’ve no idea what he’s really like 24/7. You have a lot to risk, so be careful.

When you want to have sex with a man so badly (which is exactly what having a crush means) that you are writing to strangers online begging for them to help you get over the urge, there is a problem.

Everyone flirts with the idea of having sex with other people. Not everyone is obsessing on it, and if they are and don't want to cheat they need to remove the temptation.

Or just hope for the best, I guess.

Crushes themselves are okay but this sounds really intense. Perhaps OP should be honest with her fiancé - if it’s harmless then it’s fine

I don't think having a crush on someone always means you want to have sex with that person. Not in my experience anyway.
You can admire someone, get a bit obsessed for a time, find everything they do fascinating, the way they talk, move around etc....all that can draw you towards finding someone attractive, but finding someone attractive (could be a man or a woman) doesn't always follow you want to rip their clothes off.

Are you sure you're in the right relationship? You describe your fiancé and the guy you've barely even spoken to in strikingly similar and fairly superficial terms.

Crushes are natural. Before marriage was invented, women had babies with different men. The biological reason is that mixing your genes with other peoples different genes could lead to a more successful generation, in a 'survival of the fittest' way. Crushes can be overwhelming precisely because our bodies are saying 'you have to mix genes with that one, the future of the human race depends on it!' 🤣 Now, thousands of years of culture mean we don't see things that way, and we value a close knit family and loyalty. So, if those are values we like, we stick to the rules. All I can say is, this will pass. And your crush isn't based on what everyday life would be like. When the body stops being all animalistic, we still need to be happy with the person we do laundry with, put the bins out with and fart in bed next too. You'll be fine.

You just ignore it. Stop imagining there was a 'spark' with him. He's charismatic and popular it doesn't mean you should shag him. Or that he has any desire to shag you.

You will get over it. I'd imagine he's not single. And neither are you.

We don't need "always" when we have almost 100% certainty.

OP wants to have sex with this man so badly she is writing to strangers to try to stop herself thinking about having sex with him. So, you can pretend that the minute possibility that people have "crushes" without wanting to have sex matters if you like, but my advice to the OP is sound.

Or she'll give in and try to fuck him, as millions of humans on the planet do, on the regular.