Would you want to know about a partner’s infidelity, and why?

ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers · 2026-03-14T11:28:37+00:00

As the title states! There's another thread going where some people are saying that others should stay out of it. It's not their business, monkey etc! As someone whose stbxH had obviously been mucking around for years I just want to understand from individuals who have suffered from their partner's infidelity why they might not wished to have known. To make it clear I don't want individuals who've not had to experienced infidelity to guess. I just want to hear from individuals who've either experienced it or think it's happening now! AIBU = No I did not want to know about my partner's infidelity (and can you tell me why?) IANBU = I wish I'd known (possibly sooner).

Catza · 14/03/2026 11:31

When I was younger I very much thought that what I don't know can't hurt me. So my preference was for "if you love me, hide it well and don't confess to ease your own guilt".
The problem is, they may hide the actual evidence of infidelity but there is a difference in their attitude to the relationship which is pretty hard to miss. So I now think I'd like to know sooner rather than later because I need to be able to give informed consent to the relationship continuing. So anything other than absolute honesty is manipulation. And I can't stand being manipulated.

WhatAMarvelousTune · 14/03/2026 11:36

I’ve never seen any benefit in not having information about a significant part of my life (in this case a relationship but applies to anything)

mixandmatch · 14/03/2026 11:44

For me it would genuinely depend. If on one sole occasion, my husband had slept with a near stranger (eg on work trip or similar) and then felt terrible about it, I would rather never know.

appreciate this is an unlikely scenario and most people who cheat once do it again.

But not all! Early in my marriage, I cheated on my husband (not sex, just a drunken snog with a work friend.) I felt terrible afterwards and confessed to my husband but I’m still not sure whether I did the right thing. It upset him a lot and it took him a while to trust me again. But I knew at that point, I would never cheat again. So maybe I should have kept it to myself. I still think I told him to lessen my own guilt and I’m not sure it was the best thing for him.

Sartre · 14/03/2026 11:54

I had an EA a couple of years back with a colleague. Nothing physical happened at all beyond leg grazing I guess and a hug but feelings were there and there was a heck of a lot of chemistry. I can’t say it wouldn’t have gone further if the conditions had been there but they never were. I didn’t want to tell DH because I knew it would break him so I kept it to myself.

Colleague left and the EA ended. DH trawled through my phone one day and found an email exchange between us so that was that, he found out. He was broken for months and used it as a stick to beat me with. For him it was worse than a ONS with someone I didn’t care about because I’d actually fallen for someone else. I get it and don’t know how I’d react in the same situation.

We had therapy and are ok now. It would have made life much easier had he not found out, for both of us. I don’t think the knowledge benefited either party.

LittleCrumblyBiscuit · 14/03/2026 11:59

I can’t abide lies and liars. I’m glad I found out, otherwise I would have unwittingly continued in a relationship where I wasn’t loved and respected like I deserved to be with a man who was not who I thought he was. That is humiliating and unacceptable.

If I can’t have an honest relationship, I’d rather be alone.

VimesandhisCardboardBoots · 14/03/2026 12:09

It depends.

If DP had a drunken one night stand, regretted it, got an STI test, and resolved never to do it again, then I don't need to know. I'd likely forgive her if I did know, so all me knowing would achieve is making me feel like shit.

An ongoing physical or emotional affair however, is something I would leave over, so I'd definitely want to know about it

Original poster

ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers · 14/03/2026 12:10

just wanted to say that I watching and reading and finding it very interesting. Thank you

OP posts:

Loubelou71 · 14/03/2026 12:14

My ex had an EA and I wish someone had told me. I'm not sure everyone would feel the same so I would never share with someone else. Sounds like double standards but it's such a difficult subject.

shhblackbag · 14/03/2026 12:18

I would. He's putting my health at risk and lying every day. I would want to know so I had correct information to base my decisions on.

Flutterbees · 14/03/2026 12:25

I’ve been cheated on. I would never have found out if it wasn’t for a suspicion on my part and a middle of the night trawl of my partner’s phone. If I hadn’t found out I would have ended up with a nasty STI that you can’t get rid of, so for that and so many other reasons I’m glad I found out. There are people in my partner’s life who knew and didn’t tell me…even though they knew that he’d contracted the STI. I can’t forgive them for that.

Lugol · 14/03/2026 12:27

Not wanting to know is just lying to yourself.

Why would someone want to lie to themselves?

To thine own self be true.

Gardenquestion22 · 14/03/2026 12:30

similar to other posters, one off stupid shag I’d rather not know. Persistent infidelity, yes, I’d want to know. The stupid thing is when younger I was given absolute proof of infidelity and chose to ignore it and do the pick me dance when I should have dumped his sorry ass. I did eventually.

now, older me, with more to lose, I wouldn’t ignore it….

PissedOffNeighbour22 · 14/03/2026 12:43

I’d want to know about anything, whether that be an EA or an actual affair, ONS etc. I don’t want to be made a fool of.

I’ve found out myself about a couples of ex’s attempts to cheat (not sure if anyone actually did physically cheat, but the intention was certainly there).

I’d be gutted if my DH cheated but I’d rather know. A lot of the men he works with cheat - I don’t know any of his colleagues or their wives, but if that was happening to me I’d like to think I’d have an inkling about it. I assume they all just cover for each other, which I find disgusting behaviour.

HappyAsASandboy · 14/03/2026 13:12

I would like to know because I am trying to find the strength to leave my husband and this would be the push I need! Maybe there’s more people in this situation than just me.

If I was happy in my marriage I would still want to know. Then I could decide to stay knowing what was going on, or leave.

Original poster

ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers · 14/03/2026 13:41

I think knowledge is the best way forward. Weirdly my stbxH had mucked around for ages, but then found an emotional attachment to someone. I found out about everything at the same time i.e. I didn't know about the sleeping around but his emotional attachment seemed to hurt more.

OP posts:

Pryceosh1987 · 14/03/2026 23:52

I would, so i can know the measuring stick and judge whether i am good enough to handle the pressure. if i cannot handle it i bounce.

BauhausOfEliott · 15/03/2026 00:16

I’d want to know, but I wouldn’t want to find out from someone who clearly getting a little thrill out of poking their nose in and pretending to care while secretly enjoying the drama - which is 99% of the people who post “Should I tell their partner?” threads, however much they pretend otherwise.

If one of my close friends found out my partner was cheating I’d certainly want them to tell me because I know they genuinely care. I probably wouldn’t want to hear it from a casual acquaintance, a colleague or the other woman.

CinnamonBuns67 · 15/03/2026 09:27

When it happened to me, all our mutual friends knew and they chose to not tell me. I couldn't remain friends with any of them. It was humiliating. I would always want to be told and therefore I would always tell.

shhblackbag · 15/03/2026 10:04

CinnamonBuns67 · 15/03/2026 09:27

When it happened to me, all our mutual friends knew and they chose to not tell me. I couldn't remain friends with any of them. It was humiliating. I would always want to be told and therefore I would always tell.

I'm sorry. That must have been double heartbreak.

Original poster

ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers · 15/03/2026 10:08

CinnamonBuns67 · 15/03/2026 09:27

When it happened to me, all our mutual friends knew and they chose to not tell me. I couldn't remain friends with any of them. It was humiliating. I would always want to be told and therefore I would always tell.

Some of my friends have tried to remain neutral. It's less hurtful than you went through but whilst I'd admired their integrity it has of course hurt. but that's for a different thread. I know now that I would never stand by and watch.

OP posts:

Original poster

ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers · 15/03/2026 10:09

BauhausOfEliott · 15/03/2026 00:16

I’d want to know, but I wouldn’t want to find out from someone who clearly getting a little thrill out of poking their nose in and pretending to care while secretly enjoying the drama - which is 99% of the people who post “Should I tell their partner?” threads, however much they pretend otherwise.

If one of my close friends found out my partner was cheating I’d certainly want them to tell me because I know they genuinely care. I probably wouldn’t want to hear it from a casual acquaintance, a colleague or the other woman.

I'm not sure that's fair. Some might be - agreed. But others might be seeking support for a scary thing to do. Knowing you're about to destroy their bubble can't be easy.

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Sharptonguedwoman · 15/03/2026 10:11

Sartre · 14/03/2026 11:54

I had an EA a couple of years back with a colleague. Nothing physical happened at all beyond leg grazing I guess and a hug but feelings were there and there was a heck of a lot of chemistry. I can’t say it wouldn’t have gone further if the conditions had been there but they never were. I didn’t want to tell DH because I knew it would break him so I kept it to myself.

Colleague left and the EA ended. DH trawled through my phone one day and found an email exchange between us so that was that, he found out. He was broken for months and used it as a stick to beat me with. For him it was worse than a ONS with someone I didn’t care about because I’d actually fallen for someone else. I get it and don’t know how I’d react in the same situation.

We had therapy and are ok now. It would have made life much easier had he not found out, for both of us. I don’t think the knowledge benefited either party.

Why was he looking at your phone?! Phones are private.

AllPlayedOut · 15/03/2026 10:12

I absolutely would want to know. The affair is obviously bad but refusing to allow me the choice to decide whether or not to continue the relationship is even worse. That people are willing to take that choice away from their partner so that they don’t have to deal with the consequences of their own action is far worse than the actual affair imo.

ThisIsJustShit · 15/03/2026 10:19

I would want to know because I would end the relationship.

14 years ago, I discovered my now exh was having an affair. At the time, I had no idea and discovered it purely by chance. I also did a hobby and two of the women there also worked with my exh. I was quite friendly with one - we'd meet up and have lunch/coffee occasionally and knew the other to chat to at the hobby.

When I found out, I told the woman I was closer to, not realising that she already knew (he had an affair with a woman from work) and she just said, "Thank God you know," and went on to tell me that they had both lost a lot of respect at work and that she and the other hobby woman hadn't known whether to tell me or not. What had made it difficult was that they both worked closely with him and he had a reputation of not being a very nice person at work. It would have come back on them.

I completely understood why they hadn't told me. I approached the other woman at the hobby whose face upon hearing me say, "Have you got a minute for a chat?" Told me everything I needed to know about how she'd felt about knowing and not sharing. I told her I knew and that I didn't hold it against her for not telling me. It was fine. Again the relief on her face was palpable.

But I would always want to know. I'm not staying in a relationship with someone who'd cheat on me especially someone who would put others in such an awkward and uncomfortable position. He was arrogant and compassionless to everyone.

3 weeks after I'd kicked him out, he told me he still loved me and asked could we work it out. I laughed and asked if the OW knew he was saying this. He said no and I pondered over who he was actually cheating on and with whom now.

He told me he was going to 'make a go of it' with her now as I'd said that and he felt he needed to 'make the best of a bad situation'.

Why would I want a such a weak and spinless individual in my life?

SplodgeWaddler · 15/03/2026 10:33

YES most defintely. My exH is an abusive, manipulative, sociopath. I suspected him of cheating on about 4 different occasions but never had any proof. Finally, finally 12 years in and 2 kids later I got the proof I needed. At this point my self-confidence was on the floor and, looking back, I was really quite mentally unwell - although I hid this well. I also went through a thankfully brief period of anorexia.

I suspect that a mutual 'friend' knew something about one of the infedelities (with mutual friend's friend) because he was trying to encourage exH to leave me. A total head-fuck at the time but now it all makes sense.

If I had known then, I would not have wasted so long on that pathetic excuse for a man, my life would have turned out so much differently.