Would you want to know about a partner’s infidelity, and why?

[ICanBuyMyOwnFlowers]

As the title states! There's another thread going where some people are saying that others should stay out of it. It's not their business, monkey etc! As someone whose stbxH had obviously been mucking around for years I just want to understand from individuals who have suffered from their partner's infidelity why they might not wished to have known. To make it clear I don't want individuals who've not had to experienced infidelity to guess. I just want to hear from individuals who've either experienced it or think it's happening now!

AIBU = No I did not want to know about my partner's infidelity (and can you tell me why?)
IANBU = I wish I'd known (possibly sooner).

Yes I’d want to know I needed to kick him out.

I really wish I’d have known. He was seeing the woman he’s with now on & off for nearly 10 years. I feel like I’ve wasted a huge chunk of my life that I could have saved much sooner had I have known.

Infidelity puts your partner’s health at risk. I would want to know do I could stop having physical contact with my husband and get myself tested and treated if necessary. The emotional implications are difficult, but potentially spreading sexually transmitted illnesses is unforgivable.

@Sharptonguedwoman Why are phones private? I give zero s**ts about mine cos I have nothing to hide. Frequently ask my DH to text my friends/family back if I am driving or busy and he does the same.
Being private suggests you have something to hide. Sneakily checkong phone is wrong however in the case you responded to the other half obv had an inkling of something so checked phone and was obv correct....

I know how you feel and am sending love

I was very grateful I was told. Apart from the obvious I was also glad I could go get an STD check.

Of course I would want to know, so I could protect my health and potential fertility.

My own sexual health is important and the power of being able to make a decision knowing the full facts.
Once I knew for certain about my ex husband I had a full check up and made decisions for me based on the facts. So yes even from just a health perspective I’d want to always know

Yes I’d want to know so I could get a good lawyer and leave!

Yes, I would absolutely want to know. My ex cheated on me and it turned out some of my friends knew and didn’t say - that was almost worse than the affair. I’d want to know for the following reasons:

My sexual health and fertility - if he’s sleeping with someone else he risks getting an STD and/or getting her pregnant. I don’t want to be with a man who thinks it ok to take those risks.

Finances - I would be making very different decisions about home improvements/holidays/moving house/changing jobs if I knew he wasn’t totally committed to the same things and might not be around in a few years.

Emotional - my ex knows everything about me. I don’t want to share personal (and perhaps medical) information with someone who doesn’t have my absolute best interests at heart - things they could use against me in the event of a divorce, or share with their AP. Your DH is the one person you should absolutely be able to trust and rely on. If he’s cheating he’s ripping that psychological contract to shreds - you’re holding up your side of the deal, while he’s treating you with disrespect and insulting behaviour - even if you don’t know it at the time.

At least if you know, you can make decisions with all the facts. You might choose to do nothing, repair the relationship, or leave, and all of those are valid options, but I like to make decisions about my future with full knowledge of all the facts. I’d tell someone in a heartbeat if I found out their spouse was cheating, even if I didn’t know them well.

Of course I would want to know

• so I could get an STD test
• so I could make an informed choice whether to stay with him rather than him getting decide for me that I am ok with cheating

Yes as some- one who has been through it I would want to know everything about both physical and/ or emotional infidelities of whatever length.

The effect of a physically or emotionally unfaithful partner is hard to understand if you’ve not experienced it. It is traumatising. For me, a partner differs from other friends in that you share more with them, have each other’s back more, know that you are there for each other. Having suspicions that your trusted person is betraying you has a very deep psychological effect, it erodes your stability and sense of reality. It’s so hard to explain but it feels like the ground is constantly shifting. Invariably, they’ve displayed intense secrecy whilst bonding with the new person, and have persistently gaslighted their original partner in the process. It’s awful, you are upholding your side of the marital promises, working, caring for children, cooking, cleaning, chauffeuring, pet walking, laundry etc whilst grappling with behaviour that undermines your safety and security leaving you questioning your own sanity.
it should always be revealed.

Maybe there are some exceptions, say a partner is terminally ill, then do they need to know their spouse is unfaithful? But even then they probably should be told , as they may want to change their will, for example.