AIBU to object to ex hosting family barbecue in my home?

[Hihohihoitsofftoworkigo]

Hi, looking for some unbiased opinions.

My husband and I separated last year (his choice). He now lives in a small house with no garden, while I remain in the family home and cover the mortgage myself.

In a few months I need to travel for work for three weeks. My soon-to-be ex asked if he could stay in the house with the boys while I’m away since most of their things are still here. After thinking about it, I agreed, even though I had reservations as it took a long time for the house to feel like mine after he left.

He has now said that while I’m away he plans to have his family stay for a few days and host a barbecue. Knowing him, I worry it could turn into a bigger gathering with more relatives and possibly neighbours.

I’m uncomfortable with the idea of him hosting extended family and what could become a party in my house when I’m not there.

For context he left because he says I’d become distant and unloving rather than anyone else being involved. I agree that may have happened, but we had young children and I carried most of the mental load and admin, he did very little.

When I raised concerns about similar issues in the past, he’d say it was my issue and make me feel unreasonable. So I’m wondering — am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with him hosting his family at my house while I’m away?

Is the house legally your now and the finances settled ?

I think it would be fine at this point to tell him the deal is off. The boys need to take what they need to dad’s , then you lock up and don’t give him a key.

This is beyond CF territory.

I would find that unacceptable. There’s a huge difference between him being there, and a large group of his guests. If there was a problem- ruined carpet, broken lamp, bbq fire, it would be really hard to get past.

He can take the boys to visit his various relatives across the three weeks, and leave your house out of it.

How horrific.
This is totally unacceptable. Let him know that he won't be staying at yours.
Sorry, but this is a huge breach of your privacy and i imagine, may create a difficult situation for children too.

No, his family cannot stay in your home!

Well, I don't think you're being unreasonable to feel that way, but having allowed him to stay in your home (his previous home) while you're away, seems like a bigger deal to me than him having his family around for a BBQ. So to me it seems a bit petty to object to that if you're going to let him stay.

I used to have people house sitting quite a lot (preferred it for my cats to a cattery) usually young people I knew who enjoyed having the house to themselves & loved the cats. I always said they were welcome to have friends around for a BBQ or party as long as they were mindful of the cats & neighbours.

Different to your ex I know, but really, if your letting him stay, dies it really matter if he has his family visit when he has the space to do so?

If the house is 100.% signed over to you and you’ve bought him out and are paying for it all then yes YANBU

if he owns half of it STILL then he will see it as half his Perhaps???

He has now said that while I’m away he plans to have his family stay for a few days and host a barbecue. Knowing him, I worry it could turn into a bigger gathering with more relatives and possibly neighbours.

No. A big fat NO. This is now your home, it's not his any longer. You're paying the mortgage, not him.

What on earth does he think gives him the right to announce (not ask) that he's going to have his family to stay? Not even just to visit for a barbeque but to stay???

This isn't about the DCs, he's just tried to dress it up that way. What he wants is somewhere to entertain and host.

When I raised concerns about similar issues in the past, he’d say it was my issue and make me feel unreasonable. So I’m wondering — am I being unreasonable to feel uncomfortable with him hosting his family at my house while I’m away?

So he turns it on you. You are not unreasonable, probably never were. And if you'd become distant and unloving I can hazard a good guess as to why. His constant attacks would kill any sort of love or affection or closeness.

Tell him the arrangement is off. The DCs will go to his. And if you haven't already got one, make sure you have a Ring or similar doorbell before you go away. If he is joint owner of the house I don't think you can change the locks.

No, YANBU. He doesn't get to stay in your home. Allowing him to do so has blurred the boundaries, and this is the result. Dial it back OP.

Is he still on the deeds?

Thanks for the replies. We are going through the divorce and financials currently so technically it is his house. When I objected to his family plans he said it was his house too and I was being unfair. He doesn’t contribute to anything now though, all mortgage and utilities are covered by me (it’s just the equity we need to split). We are trying to be amicable so I don’t want to rock the boat.

He knows I’m not keen on his family so I genuinely think he’s doing it to annoy me. Since we split they have only visited twice in a year, don’t even send the children cards at birthdays, so not sure why it has to be the 3 weeks I’m away.

I feel like he always tries to subtly wind me up. It’s one child’s birthday this weekend. I had a lots of nice things planned (which I included ex in, he hasn’t bought a single thing) and now it will be overshadowed by this (in my head). He could have waited to tell me his plans.

Even if it is technically still own by him, it is not his home. He doesn’t get to leave you to pay the whole mortgage and then use it in anyway he wishes.

I fear you’ve muddied the waters by having him stay though. And technically it is still his house.

Tell him absolutely not. I think I'd change the locks while I'm on.

Yes technically it's not allowed but by the time he gets anywhere legally you'll be back.

Or get some friends to stay while you're away.

And he could change them himself quite legally.

I don't think you can object if the house still belongs to both of you, until financials etc. are finalised.

What I would do however, is lock away any personal stuff, and lock your bedroom door so no one can use it as a crash pad. I'd say you are due privacy in respect of your own bedroom at least.

Make sure they clean up fully after them too.

He is 💯 trying to wind you up.

The issue is you already said yes to him staying.
He legally has a right AND you need the childcare for 3 weeks....

Personally id get a lock put on your bedroom door and film the condition of the house and garden very carefully before you left and leave him to it. Be clear if there is any damage he pays not house insurance. Get that in writing via text.

Once back pursue finalisation of divorce and get it locked in.

This is one instance where I would be firmly focused on my north star vs "being right" (and you are right he is a dick to do this)

I would do this, he isn't going to listen to you if you say no anyway so protect your private private space and cover yourself.

He’s being a dick.

Rescind the offer for him to stay at your house. He can transport the stuff the kids need and host his family at his home, not yours.

Its half his house still so yabu.

Absolutely no way.
Change your mind AFTER things are agreed and signed.
I wouldn't have anyone in my house that I didn't 100% adore, while I wasn't there.

If you can't get out of it, do as @ Salmon suggests.
Personally I would fully remove any private papers.
I wouldn't trust them not to break the lock if they are so inclined.
Very very carefully record the whole condition of the place AND get everything agreed by text for proof.

This should be motivation to get financials signed as sweetly asap.

When my friend was going through a divorce, her ex moved out but it was still legally 'their' house. I think she managed to keep him out by going for a 'right to privacy' thing legally. It meant he couldn't actually come and go at will because he'd moved out and was living elsewhere. Worth looking into I think. I wouldn't be happy with him staying there at all. If he wants to go down this route, tell him you will pursue him for his half of the mortgage costs and have this factored into the final settlement ( if that would be advantageous to you).

Thank you for the replies. It’s comforting to hear that most people feel my concerns are reasonable. At times I find it difficult to judge whether my reaction is justified or not where my ex is concerned.

I’ll stand firm on saying no, and I’ll also take on board the suggestion about locking certain parts of the house, especially where there’s private paperwork, I hadn’t thought about that.

I’ll also continue moving forward with the divorce when I’m back.

Unfortunately he owns half and can come and go as he wants and that means he can have friends and family over.

Id lock up all important things including breakables you love. I try and push for his kinder side but unfortunately if he wants to he can.

Unless you think you can get the divide pushed though before the trip? Or at least the house and finances tied up and signed off.

I don't agree that it's half his house as he's moved out and you are presumably buying him out or giving him a fair share. You didn't have to let him stay there with the kids, not sure why you did tbh. If you're not happy shout the party, tell him the deal is off and he can't stay. You didn't have to say yes and he's not being gracious about it.

Also if you let him stay, he will have the party.

No idea what the legalities are.

But no fucking way.

He wanted to leave. Fair enough.

But if you needed any encouragement to get the financials moving, let it be this.

He wants it all ways, him to leave, you to pay and you to be "amicable".