Mother's Day mixed feelings

[OneBrightCrow]

AIBU in my feelings about Mother's Day?

I just have this sense of disappointment I guess, that the way our family approaches Mother's Day isn't so much about celebrating me as a mother, but rather about about meeting the demands of our own mothers.

My DH and I are lucky to both still have our mums. Don't get me wrong.... that's why I feel a bit torn about the way I feel because I know that if they weren't here, we would wish they were.

I grew up with my grandparents living in another country, so Mother's Day was about spoiling my mum, giving her homemade gifts or ones that I'd bought with pocket money/my dad's help - nothing extravagant but heartfelt gestures.

now I'm a mum, my own DM and my MIL are always of the belief that the other has the better deal (one lives close, and gets frequency in visits, over longevity. The other lives further but gets overnight visits to offset the travel).
on the Mother's Day weekend we try to factor in seeing them both, but my mum wants us to visit them (travelling, plus overnight stay to make it worthwhile) whilst my MIL expects an afternoon tea to be laid on for her (which my husband would happily do, whereas I feel a bit resentful of having to host a get together for his mum, when it's a day for me too).

neither of our mums seem to really consider what I might like to do... or how difficult it is to meet their expectations plus mark the day as a mum myself. it ends up feeling more like grandmother's day.... rather than for someone who is in the throes of parenting young children.

you'll prob say I just need to put on my big girl pants and tell them what works for ME etc etc but honestly it wouldn't be worth the guilt
tripping, silent treatment (from mine), the childish sulking from my MIL whose behaviour is totally enabled by the rest of the family, and also my husband probably getting it in the neck from his sister if I put my foot down.

i know I just need to suck it up, but every occasion winds up making me feel a bit like this. I've even suggested to my DH that we switch to celebrating the international Mother's Day in May, just to spread it out a bit.

Both are spoiled brat women.

There is no solution other than you know about and don't want to do.

I think it's a shame for you. Surely it's about celebrating you in your peak mothering era...
your children need to feel they're spoiling you, helping prepare a meal/ bring you a cake or something...

Not sure what the answer is other than speaking calmly to your respective mothers maybe this autumn and say "oh btw we may be away for Mother's Day next year as we want to do something to celebrate me with my kids just for a change" and give them months to get over it xx

I would send them both a card and have some flowers delivered and then spend mother's day doing what you want to.

Both of them sound like spoilt brats, as a PP says.
But if you don’t feel like you can say no, just say to your husband that you’d like your own Mother’s Day the weekend before.

Just wondering - does your DH get anything special for Father’s Day, I mean does he manage to put his foot down there and prioritise himself over, say, your dad.

I fundamentally disagree with celebrating the older generation of mothers over the ones actively mothering children. Send them a bunch of flowers and a card, book a meal in for a day other than mother's day, and be spoilt on the actual day. They've had their turn.

I absolutely think you should claim the other Mother’s Day for yourself.

well actually, I think you should take this one back but I see the issue with sulking and aggro so take the other one seems like an easier path. Will your husband support this?

You really really do not need to just "suck it up"! Your DH needs to explain clearly and pleasantly to both mothers that he is planning something special at home for you this year. He could phrase it that "you know that bright crow always makes such an effort for other people, I think it's her turn to be spoilt" or something else which is hard to outright disagree with. Then both of you form a united front in politely ignoring any passive aggressive nonsense, and redirecting e.g. suggesting nice things you will do for their birthdays this year.

This is the only way, unless you are prepared to spend the rest of both their lives pandering and putting yourself last - if you are, then carry on as before I suppose?

Yes, I really cannot imagine insisting (and getting in a sulk if it doesn’t happen) that my DD with young children adds more to her plate to celebrate me, at the expense of her own Mother’s Day.

I don’t even really like Mother’s Day, we don’t really do it. But I can’t understand mothers who view it as so important to them that they must be prioritised, but presumably think their daughter shouldn’t view it as so important that she prioritises herself.

Very torn as it’s literally probably the only day of the year grandparents are guaranteed spoiling and seeing their kids,especially if they live alone- parents have their kids/ company all the time. My mum doesn’t have us nearby so we all make an effort to get down, saying that if it’s bothering you then you do need to change it!

Just shows why these Hallmark cards days shouldn't exist.
There will be lots of unhappy, sad, angry and pressured people on Sunday. Who needs it?

You can also buy flowers, chocs, meals anytime you like if you like?

Just stick to birthdays.Its easier. This one blanket day is dreadful .

Luckily both my mother and MIL live within 45 mins drive so we see MIL for breakfast, my mum for lunch at her house and then we try to have something nice for tea at home for me, but honestly I do feel I get lost in the rush of celebrating everyone else a little bit.

However, it’s my choice to do it. My DH would support me if I wanted us to have a day ‘just us’ and my mum wouldn’t kick up a fuss if we didn’t see her. I feel very privileged to both have our mums, and I know there will come a time when Mother’s Day is a very difficult day without our mothers. So for now, we’ll all pack into the car on Mother’s Day.

You don't have to do it.

We don't see our mothers on Mother's Day, we send them a card and a gift each and ring for a chat. If we're able to drop round, we will for an hour or so, but we live further away now so that's not as easy.

While my kids live at home, I spend the day with them - usually a cooked breakfast and maybe some board games in the afternoon. As long as I've had a card and some daffodils, it's all good.

Once they move away (like they did when they were at university) I will get a card and a phonecall and that is just fine. Mother's Day isn't supposed to be a burden.

I think if there isn’t a way to include everyone that keeps everyone happy you just need to do what you want to do.

Mothers Day doesn’t have to be just that one day, if you both wanted to celebrate with your mum’s you can spread that out over 3 weekends and keep actual Mothers Day for you and your family.

It doesn’t sound like either grandmother doesn’t see much of the children though. And it’s also the only day OP is guaranteed to be spoiled!

These women sound very annoying even outside of Mother’s Day, nagging and getting competitive about which grandma gets the better deal regarding seeing the grandchildren. I’d have no time for any of it. The guilt tripping sounds ridiculous.

I think the majority of responses on here will be to tell you to put your big girl pants on and choose what YOU want to do with your own family.

You know that they are being unreasonable. You don't have to spend every Mother's Day with them both - certainly not at the expense of your own special day.

So you have two or perhaps three choices!

1. Suck it up and do what they want.
2. Big girl pants, send card and flowers and see them on a different weekend - your DH should 100% be backing you up.
3. Change your mindset. It is one day and it's a commercial day really - so you could do what they want on Mother's Day and then the weekend before or after you speak to DH and organise a special Mother's Day for you.

Very glad to be in two families that don't make a big deal of it at all. None of me, MIL or me think of it as a particularly important day or have any expectations beyond a card and maybe popping out for lunch, just somewhere that doesn't need booking.

All the angst about who is being celebrated more and who is seeing who sounds exhausting every year it comes round.

I have a complex relationship with my mum, my ideal Mother’s Day is not spent with her, but we see her every Sunday so it would seem cruel to not do so. But cooking for my mum (or buying her a takeaway so I don’t have to cook) isn’t my ideal day.

It is also MIL’s birthday this weekend, she lives further away so we usually go up there for a night but feel bad leaving early Sunday (even though we need to as life still goes on/stuff needs doing!).

I can't help but think I won’t get a Mother’s Day in the way I would like until both our mums are no longer here, by which time my kids will be grown ups, which I appreciate is an awful way to see it.

If my DDs ever have kids I will make sure they don’t feel obliged to do anything with me on the day itself!

Edited to add I have two siblings, one far away and one close but with zero interest in taking turns to entertain her.

I'm in my late sixties with grown-up kids, I have young DGC. I simply don't understand women of my age expecting this kind of attention and fuss on Mother's Day. I think it's a day for younger kids to take their mums a bunch of daffs and make a card. I always say to my kids, don't go buying in to this big commercial MD nonsense, I'd hate to feel I was an obligation on any day of the year.

Yes, pull up your big girl pants and remind them you're a mum and this year you want to enjoy it with your kids. Grown, older women sulking is beyond pathetic. I've never met a sulker who didn't enjoy sulking so you're not spoiling their day at all.

Btw, despite my protests my AC have always marked the day regardless!

Same here. Mother's day is always about my mother. She completely forgets I am one too ( and have been for over thirty years).
We also have our birthdays on exactly the same day - so you can imagine how that goes...

My DC are older now, late teens / early 20's we luckily still have both mum and mil still with us. MIL spent many years and still does try to make.it about her. 15 years ago it got to your point and DH pointed out i was now the mum of young kids and we were staying home, breakfast in bed and a tesco family meal deal with a walk. MIl sulked for several.years , both mums get card and flowers delivered and currently my older one will buy me lunch , on a cheaper day! I would say put your foot down now. My kids will possibly be parents soon and at that point i will be gracfully encouraging them to do somthing with the younger/ in the thick of it mums. If you dont do ut now you may always be missing out.

I’m sorry they have both spoilt the day for you and sound like they don’t want to acknowledge life has changed, roles have shifted.

Of course you never stop being a mother however old you get, but everyone needs to have their chance to let their children/own young families spoil them.

If their own mums (your grandmas) are still alive then what are they doing with them to celebrate, or what did they do with them for Mother’s Day when you were younger? Going by how they are behaving now, I would have expected them to spend the day with their mums when you were young, I hope they did! If they kick up a fuss when you say you’re doing your own thing on the day in the future, can you remind them of how they behaved with their own mums when you were a similar age to what your own children are now?

I personally don’t think you should switch to celebrating on another day. I think you might start to resent them on the day knowing you had to flex around them. It should be them suggesting they do something another day and leave you alone on the day.

I really feel your pain! It definitely feels like “grandmothers day” in our family too. It’s always been all about my grandma (mums mum. Dads mum died when I was younger).
She likes to have everyone there for a big family meal after she’s been to church. When my sister and I were young, we’d do nice breakfast bits with my mum and get her presents. Now we’re adults, we tend to take her for afternoon tea on a different weekend, as that’s what MY mum enjoys, but Mother’s Day always has to be about what HER mum wants. And it’s the same old sane old every year.
Unfortunately in the last couple of years, there have been a few silly family dramas, a big fall out with my sister and my auntie, similar with my dad and uncle. Everyone can bear to be in the same room but it just doesnt feel the same, tensions and awkwardness between some people just ruin it for rest Of us, there’s just a bit of an atmosphere. I love a couple of hours away, and the last couple of years I’ve really not wanted to travel back for it, but been guilted into it.
Anyway, this year is my first year as a mum. My baby is only a few months old and obviously doesn’t have a clue about Mother’s Day, but I don’t care. I told my partner a few weeks ago that I am absolutely not spending my first Mother’s Day doing a four hour round trip for a crap, awkward meal. Just to please my grandma. My mum brought it up a few days later and I told her I’m not going. She seemed disappointed, but understood. Said my grandma will be upset not to have me there. I said that’s a shame, but she’ll just have to focus on everyone who is there. I just find it all so silly.

you'll prob say I just need to put on my big girl pants and tell them what works for ME

You're right, we will, because that's exactly what you need to do.

Yes, they'll probably sulk a bit, but you have to let them and not let it bother you. You need to set some boundaries, because right now you're not even giving them the chance to respect them because you're just rolling over without even trying to get what you want.

It's a nightmare of a day OP, for anyone except those with genuinely good relationships with their mothers. We're currently in the trenches of infertility, I have a crap relationship with my own mother. It's become a performative, commercialised event, like most other things and it's really hard to avoid, even when you try really hard.

Do they not celebrate their birthdays?

Or they could choose to celebrate Grandparents Day in October. I bet one can make a card on Moonpig

OP, I would just do what you want and ignore them. They had years of Mother’s Day. They don’t get a do-over during your time as a mother and your DH should be able to handle his sister.

My DH sends his mum a card (I think) and/or talks to her. She lives about 5 hours away.

My mum is in another country and it’s in May and I just say Happy Mother’s Day.

Told DH I will be doing xyz and I will see him and kids in the evening of Mother’s Day and that is it.