Mother's Day mixed feelings

[OneBrightCrow]

AIBU in my feelings about Mother's Day?

I just have this sense of disappointment I guess, that the way our family approaches Mother's Day isn't so much about celebrating me as a mother, but rather about about meeting the demands of our own mothers.

My DH and I are lucky to both still have our mums. Don't get me wrong.... that's why I feel a bit torn about the way I feel because I know that if they weren't here, we would wish they were.

I grew up with my grandparents living in another country, so Mother's Day was about spoiling my mum, giving her homemade gifts or ones that I'd bought with pocket money/my dad's help - nothing extravagant but heartfelt gestures.

now I'm a mum, my own DM and my MIL are always of the belief that the other has the better deal (one lives close, and gets frequency in visits, over longevity. The other lives further but gets overnight visits to offset the travel).
on the Mother's Day weekend we try to factor in seeing them both, but my mum wants us to visit them (travelling, plus overnight stay to make it worthwhile) whilst my MIL expects an afternoon tea to be laid on for her (which my husband would happily do, whereas I feel a bit resentful of having to host a get together for his mum, when it's a day for me too).

neither of our mums seem to really consider what I might like to do... or how difficult it is to meet their expectations plus mark the day as a mum myself. it ends up feeling more like grandmother's day.... rather than for someone who is in the throes of parenting young children.

you'll prob say I just need to put on my big girl pants and tell them what works for ME etc etc but honestly it wouldn't be worth the guilt
tripping, silent treatment (from mine), the childish sulking from my MIL whose behaviour is totally enabled by the rest of the family, and also my husband probably getting it in the neck from his sister if I put my foot down.

i know I just need to suck it up, but every occasion winds up making me feel a bit like this. I've even suggested to my DH that we switch to celebrating the international Mother's Day in May, just to spread it out a bit.

I'm very pro do what works for you and your nuclear family in these situation. I sometimes wish my parents or in laws lived closer, but when it comes to mothers day/father days/Christmas/Easter etc, I'm glad they don't.
Mother's day this year my parents are on a cruise the other side of the world and my in laws live in Australia so its all about me.

Could you start a 1 in 3 or 1 in 2 rota situation (like we do for Christmas)? This year its about what you want and next year about seeing your mum and MIL? In our families this keeps everyone happy for Christmas/ Easter sort of events.

It’s sad they are like this. I would hold my own Mother’s Day the week before or after and tell Dh exactly how I want it to be!

Absolutely this. I tell them a card is very welcome, but save your money and enjoy your own day as a Mum, see you soon.

Once our adult DC have their own DC then it's time to recognise that we've had those days now, we aren't the focus, and need move along for newer Mums to share it with their children. It's not all about MEEE!

You’ll probably have to few years of sulking, but would be worth it eventually. Just tell your mum (dh can tell his) you’ll be spending it as a family of 4 this Sunday, to celebrate you as a Mum. You need to stop the tradition you didn’t want. Mother’s Day with kids is a bit magical.

I feel for you OP, I’m incredibly lucky to not have to deal with this on either side of the family, it wouldn’t even occur to them to ask for any kind of fuss as neither of them are remotely arsed about Mother’s Day! In your case can’t you make grandparents day a thing? Just to appease them if nothing else. For Mother’s Day I completely agree, send them both a bunch of flowers and a card and plan the day exactly how you want it and actually start looking forward to the day before your children grow up and think that celebrating grandparents on Mother’s Day is the norm! I’m sure they’d like to have the memories that you have of making their own mother a card and present, breakfast in bed and all the usual!

Just slightly tweak this and make THEIR Mother’s Day the week before!

I don’t think you should suck-it up. It’s a day for young children - those living at home really - to spend one day of the year appreciating what their mum does for them on a daily basis. Which as we know can be taken for granted!

So, a day being appreciated by your dependents is what you deserve.

For next year, I would arrange a visit to DM and MIL the weekend before saying it’s to celebrate next week’s Mother’s Day and then have the actual Mother’s Day how you would like it to be.

Surely they couldn’t be annoyed with that?

I used to spend Mother's Day with my own DCs and DH, not my mother (or DH's mum). I always sent my DM flowers and a card and met up with her on another day. No point complaining if you don't fix it OP! Book something for you, DH and the DC that you'll like, see your mum and MIL, another day.

I came to dislike Mother’s Day because it was another job for me to sort out for my mum and my mother in law, much more so than me. It’s a massive silver lining following the death of both that at least I don’t have to do that any more.

I agree that your Dh can explain to both that he’s celebrating you this year and giving you a lovely day. Each of you send a card to your mums and be done with it.

My own mum lost her mum when I was 5, so to be honest Mother's Day weren't great, despite my efforts as a kid. I remember giving my mum a "world's best mum" trophy (lucky her eh? 😂) but her response was "but I'm not... my mum was". She's always struggled a lot with her death. But even if she had been around, she was overseas so not possible to see her.

my MIL however always saw her mum, at some point over the weekend, until she lost her 6yrs ago. So my husband has even said that his mums mindset is that she always had to see hers, so expects us to do so too.

my mum was a bit better about the day being about me when my kids were tiny.... but knowing we'll end up seeing my MIL too, has started to throw her weight about with what she wants. Insists on us going there, even though my brother lives in my area too, so would be less people travelling if they came to us. I offered to host but she didn't want to drive back the same day, and didn't want to stay over as she'd have to miss her Monday Zumba class 🙄😂

Both of them seem happy for you to fanny around after them while having no consideration for what you actually want. Send cards and flowers then tell them you’re being taken out by Dh this year because you’re a mum as well. Let them sulk and guilt trip you, maybe a bit of silent treatment from the pair of them would be a blessing.

You know deep down there are only two options - put them first at the expense of your own happiness or sod them both and enjoy the day your way for once.

This is basically how it ends up being. Rushing from one place to the next... and as u say, it will inevitably feel a lot more difficult one day, hence why I just get on with it.

i think as a PP said, I could probably do with just changing my mindset and placing less significance on an occasion that we're expected to mark.

I've already had a lovely handmade card from my son that he made at Beavers but couldn't wait to give to me.... and that will always mean more than making a big deal of one day

I've been emotionally manipulated by my mum since I can remember so I fear that even if I took the day for myself, the fallout would really spoil it.

i find it very hard to shake off the guilt tripping and passive aggressive comments, and it ends up affecting me for a lot longer than her silent treatment lasts.

In that case I think you need to work on your boundaries. Maybe work through these feelings of guilt with a therapist or something? Because nobody (especially not your own mother) should be manipulating you and forcing into situations that you’re not happy with.

If you spoke to your dh would he arrange something for you and deal with both mums? He could pretend it’s a surprise and then you can’t be blamed for it. Although I have to say all this jumping through hoops just so you don’t piss them off is a bit ridiculous. They need to stop taking advantage and let you enjoy the day too.

I visit mine tomorrow. She quite difficult. Op they never happy are they! I hope you enjoy your day.

We had issues like this and in the end we stopped spending the day with either. And both get exactly the same card and gift. Keeps them happy, keeps us sane.

I'd rather use the cash on something nicer so that's what DH and DC do. I was in Asda the other day and nice cards were £5 each. £15 on 3 A4 bits of card? Nope.

As children we were never expected to do anything for either granny. Plus, it's a Christian day and we aren't Christian.

(although I would love to discover it has Celtic or Pagan roots!)

Thinking ahead to 2027, book a weekend away or day out somewhere (far away). For your own sake. Take back control.

Even if it's a Premier Inn somewhere nice. secretly call it a protest.

I have to do this for my birthdays otherwise my parents (75+ divorced and bitter) fall out and if I see one and not the other I get silent treatment

It's horrible I fully understand.

OP, this is about your mothers being ridiculously demanding. This Mother's Day shit has got way out of hand.
My husband loved his late mother dearly and they always got on well. She lived a couple of hours' drive away from us.
Every Mother's Day we sent a card, and he probably phoned her too. That was more than sufficient, because it let Mum know that we were thinking of her, and she was happy. This need for lavish gifts, experiences and physical presence is just selfish and manipulative - you don't have to go along with it.

Ugh that sounds rubbish OP! My Mum was happy with a card and a bunch of daffodils. I’m just as easy to please. Personally I think you should please yourself more and make some changes, but I can understand that’s hard in your circumstances.

YANBU - the others are being brats!

Me and DH both see our mums on the Saturday and then the Sunday is my day. I think that is fair enough. I agree with a pp that they seem clueless, you are a mum too! I am shocked at how selfish they are.

It always seems unfair that the most selfish and manipulative mums/MILs always seem to get their own way on Mothers' Day when their awful behaviour should result in them spending the day alone.

Can't you do what you want for a change and ignore the fallout or, even better, get angry with your mum for her unacceptable behaviour?