To ask how you fit everything in.

[Caitl995]

Just that really. I am completely overwhelmed and over stimulated all the time. I had 2 children young and then had 2 younger (under 10) children with an age gap of 16 years. One of the younger ones is ASD. I just struggle to be the person that all the people in my life deserve. I feel like I’m so busy with just the youngest 2, I’m late 40’s and reasonably fit but I get tired more easily now. But then I’m a Mum to older children who have left home and still deserve their Mum and my presence, then there’s my Mum who is quite well and fit and who also deserves my attention. But fitting in seeing everyone and spending time with them is almost impossible when I have young children that want to do hobbies and do things at the weekend. That’s before I even consider working (1.5 days per week but really need to start bumping the pension) or working out or any DIY / housework etc. I feel like I’m failing everyone really. I can tell my eldest feels a bit resentful if I forget to tell them we’re doing something with the younger ones or if we haven’t spoken for a while even though they have their own home and I can tell my Mum would like to spend more time with us. She recently asked me if she was invited on holiday with us (we’ve holidayed with her a lot over the years) and I felt awful saying no but the younger ones are now at an age where my partner and I can relax a bit more while we’re away and we still need time as a romantic couple and so our holiday is our family time (is that awful?) We don’t have nights out together etc as the ASD child won’t stay anywhere overnight without us.

Help!

Hi @Caitl995, I can only really comment on your last few sentences, about not taking your DM on holiday with you.

When my - then little ones - were babies and toddlers, we took my DM with us on a week or two's holiday every year, some of that was so that my Ex DH and I could also have some relaxing - and possibly romantic - time together. We would usually spend the day time all together, doing normal seaside holiday things, then on a 7 day holiday we would have about 3 evenings where my DH and I would go to any later evening entertainment at the resort (when the kiddlywinks were in bed), or maybe just go out for a 'romantic' meal together.

On the other evenings we might all share a takeaway, and maybe all go for a stroll along the promenade, or my DM and I might have one evening at the resort's evening entertainment, while DH stayed in with the little ones. Of course, during the day, if we weren't venturing far, all the adults had individual time outs, when we would maybe have an afternoon nap, or read our books for a couple of hours.

Anyway, all I am really trying to say is, that my DH, my DM, and me too, all had much more fun, and a more relaxing time on those holidays, because we had my DM with us. I also know that my DM absolutely adored having the extra time with her DGrandchildren, they were all extremely close to each other, in fact we were all close to each other. When at hom, my DH and I would not go out as a couple, more than one or two evenings a year.

My DM has very sadly been gone for over 15 years now, and the children have been adults for at least 20 years, and I am just so grateful that the three of us adults - me, Ex DH and DM - had so many special times together when we still had the chance. We (my now - 2nd - husband and I), spend at least 5 days, to a week, together, every year, on holiday, with our DGrandchildrench and their DParents! These have been the happiest days of my life - so far - since our DChildren grew up. The same goes for my DH, even though he is technically, and only technically, the DGrandchildren's step-GF. They have been such quality times, that we would have both hated to have missed out on them, particularly as neither of us know how much longer we will realistically be able to continue holidaying with them for. 🙏

If you, and your DH, think that you could make having your DM with you for just one week's holiday each year, work, then I both hope, and believe, that as long as you are all reasonable human beings, you will all look back with fondness to this very special time! 💐

I read that and thought yeah she sounds busy then you take a step back and think about what you've just said...

2 of your kids are grown up.
The other 2 are school age.
Most of us have a mum/parents.
You work 3.5 days per week LESS than most of us.

So yeah. This is life. You just need to get organised.

I probably played down how busy I am with appts and issues that arise for the disabled child, I don’t like to seem that I am complaining about them.

I did a bit of a double take when you said that you worked 1.5 days a week! You’ve got 2 kids in school. How do you spend the 3.5 days you have off? Do you just need to get better routines in place so you feel more in control? Because from where I’m looking you have lots of time.

Yeah this tbh. Surely you can see your mum on one of the 3.5 days a week you have free?

Older kids I assume would be working but surely it’s not beyond the wit of man to have a regular fortnightly Sunday dinner arrangement or something?

Things I’d put in place to get a regular structure that deals with everything I’ve mentioned:

1 day a week is housework / home admin
1 day a week is visiting Mum plus extra errands or appointments
1 day a week for you / gym plus appointments

That leaves 1/2 day for unknown jobs / bigger house things.

1 evening a month for dinner with each big child either out, at theirs or at yours
1 evening a month where Mum comes to stay with you and you and DH go out

1 week a year for a holiday with Mum

Get DH involved with weekend or evening hobbies / clubs / logistics if not already so that’s not all on you.

Can you do an exercise where you quickly block your diary at the end of each day showing what you did that day and how long it all took?? That’s usually a good technique for working out what’s draining your time and where you can put some boundaries in place.

Well, my kids mum and I (now ex) decided not to have any more kids after 3, because we recognised that we would probably be too busy to have any more. So we stopped (I had a vasectomy). Not to take away from your current predicament, but isn't it a question of choices?
My kids are all adults now, and doing their own things - people often tell me I should get a pet, for company. I choose not to, as I'm too busy to care for one.

I think I probably should have made it clearer that these people want to see all of us including the younger children and that feels difficult to fit in. The youngest one has some very big issues so we are extremely limited in what we can do as it will cause meltdowns etc. I’m hoping someone has felt the same at some point and found a way to make everyone happy but I forgot for a moment that most people just like to tell you that your problems aren’t really problems 😂

I’ve had three appts this week for the disabled child this week alone btw which would have made working on those days impossible, I can feel the annoyance in some peoples comments, don’t worry my pension will be suitably crap.

I don’t want to out myself too much but, sometimes people have unexpected children, more than one at a time and they don’t come out as perfect as they should which is obviously quite a shock, whilst it can happen it’s not the norm.

Thank you! My goodness it’s difficult to get anyone to actually be helpful without tearing you to bits on here! This is exactly what I’m looking for.

Fair enough, apologies, I didn't mean to be judgy. Hope you find ways to make things more manageable 💐

Thanks, I was already thinking of going with her later this year so I think it seems that if this keeps her happy. Whilst I found the last holiday ‘tricky’ (we did have a few tense moments 😂) that it will be worth it as it will alleviate my guilt that we don’t see her enough. She wouldn’t want to babysit while we went out on holiday though, she wouldn’t like it. She’s good at home if I’m working but she would feel she was missing out if we went out and she had the children but that’s okay.

Agree with this.

Set out a structure that works for everyone.

A weeks holiday in a big house / villa could work as well. For all children big & little, and your mum. All adults pitch in to help with cooking etc and everyone gets a week together and a big box of”ticked”.

Then a different trip with just DH & younger ones.

Maybe first Sunday of the month you define as roast day - everyone welcome if they are free. Then you can see elder ones 1:1 on a weekday (meet them for lunch near their work?). My mum comes to meet me on a working lunch day sometimes and it’s very helpful

Yes the dinner invitation is a really good idea. I’m not a natural host tbh but it’s a good way of seeing everyone at the same time isn’t it while the young one isn’t out in a difficult situation. Thanks.

It sounds like you're trying to keep everyone happy while they're all expressing annoyance at how little they're getting from you. Why is it your job to supply everything they need? They're adults. Do they have any interest in helping you?

Interesting, I do sometimes feel a bit judged by them tbh. I wish they could do one day of my life and see just what it is actually like. My Mum does want to help but she is aging and the youngest is very difficult, they cry if I’m not there. The day I work is really difficult as they ask for me constantly and cry when I leave for work etc - this is not a sob story btw, it’s just facts. A couple of years ago I worked full time and my Mum used to collect them 4 days a week from school. It became untenable, she would stay for quite a long time when I arrived home from work and I was exhausted from a demanding job, the youngest played her up, ran away from her etc and I was having to face work being peeved that I had yet another appt for them and I was always having to email their school teacher to resolve issues and it felt like I was letting my child down so I took some time off. My Mum says I haven’t done them any favours as now they get upset when I go to work but I felt like I wasn’t doing them any favours before. I feel like I can’t win. And when my Mum insinuates that she wants to come on holiday with us it’s very difficult because some years we might only be able to afford one holiday and I do think that she should understand that we may not want to invite her on our one break away. I have been on holiday with her (booked by me) probably 50 times since I had my first child but I still feel guilty because I have pulled back a little due to simply being busy at the times that people would want to see us. My eldest child I can tell thinks that I should do more with them, I am trying really hard but they moved a little way away and no they don’t have any interest in helping me, it’s very much that I’m Mum and therefore I should be the one doing any helping 😂 and I don’t expect them to anyway. I feel like I’m two different people. I should be having leisurely lunches with my Mum and my adult children and have all the time in the world but actually I’m knee deep in long bed time routines and EHCP meetings and OT / SaLT appts and I’m basically not doing a good enough job to keep anyone happy. I made the choice to have another child, I didn’t expect 2 or that one would have significant needs. Right now for example I am free and will clean up, work etc but everyone that would want to see me would also want to see the youngest ones, my Mum will still be in bed etc. Once I collect the kids from school (when other people may socialise) I will be doing all the stuff that people with young children do, lots of people say they’re knackered when they’ve got young kids but for some reason people seem annoyed at me for saying it. I’m knackered, I’m peri menopausal and I’ve been a parent of someone under 12 for the last 26 years. I do also try to be a good parent, as in, we get outside for fresh air and some exercise everyday, we do reading / homework together etc - all of which takes time.

It is 100% not your job to try to keep your mum and adult child happy while they whinge and complain and judge you. Your adult child should be helping to look after their younger sibling, not acting like a jealous toddler.

You're busy looking after small children, one of whom has significant needs. They will have to get over it.

Look at it this way - you're very concerned about their feelings and needs, to the extent that it's stressing you out and adding a lot of pressure to your already pressurised life. Meanwhile there's a string of excuses as to why they don't give the first fig about your feelings and needs.

You sound like a lovely person doing your best

It’s hard to understand just how much your time can be taken up with a child who has a disability. The appointments, meetings and supporting take so much time and emotional energy. Your experience of parenting your younger children will be miles away from parenting your older two. I found I really needed to protect my energy because there were many, demanding, things that only I could do.

That means stopping trying to keep everyone happy, your older DC and your mum are adults. If they want to see more of you it needs to be in a way that is easy for you which means fitting in with your plans. If need be explain clearly that you simply don’t have the capacity you once had so they need to step up or step back. That’s not about you loving them less, or caring less - you simply have only so much to give and you have a small child whose needs can’t adapt and adjust because someone else wants a piece of you.

Thank you, you’ve kind of hit the nail on the head. I am going to take one of the suggestions I was given on board but I’m going to forgive myself for the rest. This is likely to be for the rest of my life. I doubt I’ll ever live without this child in my home and needing care, I need to be kind to myself as my life will always be hard.

It wasn't clear in your OP that you have a very disabled child, I think that does change things. If you had 2 typical children in full time school and only worked 1.5 days, that would be strange. But a child with such severe needs will take everything you've got and there is no break whatsoever. We all take a gamble when we get pregnant but really we all hope a disabled child won't happen to us.

Be kind to yourself. Try to reset and have some routine. I found on mat leave (the only time in my life that I was not working 5 days a week) that I needed a schedule rather than let the days go by and do ad hoc cleaning and cooking. Sit down on Sunday and plan your week, like you plan your work day.

Hmm. I have four school aged children. Work full time in a demanding job as does my husband. Currently training for a half marathon and doing a self build home extension. It's hard but we're organised and manage to get it all fitted in. Working 1.5 days a week with two younger kids sounds like a dream.

You’re trying to please too many people. It’ll never work. Sounds like a lot of time and energy is going towards one of your younger kids and that’s ok. It’s not your job to make everyone happy all the time.

If you read the updates, one of the children is quite disabled and has lots of appointments and needs a lot of support. If OP made that clearer she would have received different responses I think.